Our partner

My toxic relationship

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

Moderators: mark1958, xdude

My toxic relationship

Postby fletcher78 » Thu Nov 08, 2018 11:45 am

My ex of 3 years ended our relationship 2 weeks ago telling me that she didn't love me anymore. Previous to this she had broke up with me over 20 times in the last 3 years. I was always walking on eggshells & I had to watch every text that I sent to her in case I had worded something wrong which would cause her to flip. She was very needs & clingy to the point that she would bombard me with texts at work & if I didn't answer immediately she would start sending ???? texts & then calling me ignorant. She never trusted me & would look at my phone. She constantly accused me of talking to other women when I wasn't. On the other hand she was very secretive with her phone & she was always getting messages.

Arguments were often & occasionally I would be asked to apologise for basically sticking up for myself as this was nasty behaviour. This was a clever tactic that she would deploy. The original cause of the argument would be forgotten about which was 99% of the time due to her erratic behaviour & then the attention would be put onto me for being nasty & standing my ground. I would then be asked to apologise.

Her family life wasn’t stable. Her Father was an alcoholic & cheated on her mom more than once. Her siblings were always fighting & verbally abusive to one another. Her older Sister was in & out of relationships & I often heard her lose it with her bf & wish him dead etc. . Her mom was in & out of relationships & she would always be posting slanderous stuff about her current partner on Facebook then deleting it the next day. Her mom would be constantly attention seeking on Facebook & blatantly lying. But I continued chasing my ex until she agreed to meet me. We met & after a few dates she said we should start seeing each other seriously. I had my doubts but didn’t listen to them. As soon as we started dating, she would threaten me with friendship if I did or said something she didn’t like. We only saw each other once per week which was fine with me because of this unsettling feeling I got when I was with her. But I still am not sure why she was happy only seeing me once per week. She said she liked her own space. She would often ‘test’ me. She would say things to intentionally see my reaction & if I reacted in a way, she didn’t like then it would be hell. This made me paranoid & I had to check each text before I sent it. If we argued, it wouldn’t take long before she would start verbally abusing me. I would tell her that I wasn’t putting up with it & she would either say “don’t annoy me then” or “you know where the door is”. I think I counted at least 30 times that she broke u with me. She would speak really bad about family members like her Father but then the next day laughing & joking with them. She also got very angry if one of her siblings got a better gift for their birthday than she did. All this points to the BPD trait of unstable relationships.

It wasn't long after we started dating that the first break up happened & then the next & the next. I suffer from co-dependency so I found it hard to set boundaries but after the last time she broke up with me I told her that one more time then that is it. I think she truly believed that I wouldn't stick to my word. She has contacted me since asking if we can get back together. This is after telling me that she doesn't love. She said she didn't mean it & she does love me then in the next breath she said but not in a boyfriend way. I am sure she has some kind of personality disorder? She is 26 & should not be acting like this. She has said a lot of nasty things to me in the past about my appearance & how she thought of other men when we had sex. She also believed I was out of her league. I know it's not good to resent people but I will never forget these comments.

I am keeping strong & I am adamant that I will never get back with her. I feel less stressed & more calm since we broke up. Every time I start feeling weak I remember the awful comments that she said to me & it makes me stronger. I must have very little respect for myself but I will build that back up in time. I just felt like I had to get this stuff off of my chest.
fletcher78
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2018 11:13 am
Local time: Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:57 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: My toxic relationship

Postby xdude » Thu Nov 08, 2018 6:32 pm

Hey fletcher78,

First, I know it's a rough time for you.

Second, no doubt you are a good guy who tried and meant well.

It appears you got in that classic, life suck, of a relationship where one person goes out of their way, great care, to try and avoid harming someone with poor self-esteem, only to find that the more you did, the more you got tested.

While she was trying to do everything she could to poke and prod your self-esteem, you were trying to build her's up. Of course you eventually did have to stand up for yourself.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7126
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Sun Nov 18, 2018 4:57 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My toxic relationship

Postby fletcher78 » Thu Nov 08, 2018 9:23 pm

xdude wrote:Hey fletcher78,

First, I know it's a rough time for you.

Second, no doubt you are a good guy who tried and meant well.

It appears you got in that classic, life suck, of a relationship where one person goes out of their way, great care, to try and avoid harming someone with poor self-esteem, only to find that the more you did, the more you got tested.

While she was trying to do everything she could to poke and prod your self-esteem, you were trying to build her's up. Of course you eventually did have to stand up for yourself.


Thanks for your reply.

Yeah you sum that up nicely. My self esteem was already low & while i tried building her's up she took some more of mine. Although, it has made me look deeply at myself & my issues & as stupid as it sounds I think I am actually stronger now & I think my self esteem will be greater than it was before as I have been forced to work on myself & admit my defects.
fletcher78
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2018 11:13 am
Local time: Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:57 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My toxic relationship

Postby xdude » Fri Nov 09, 2018 8:25 am

Understood and kudos to you.

That is sometimes the one positive after a relationship like the one you described.

Sounds like you've reached that point of asking those tough questions like why was I attracted to this person to begin with, why did I stay involved knowing that it damaging my self-esteem, why did I avoid setting boundaries earlier, and more such questions?

And not to get all philosophical, but you may have, or maybe will, reach that point of pondering 'maybe I needed this painful experience to happen, to give me the kick I needed to grow'

As you wrote, you can end up stronger once you get through it. Hopefully you'll also never get involved with someone like this again too ;)

p.s. She may come back at some point, and you may be tempted to retry. It happens. Sometimes it takes a few rounds for it to really sink in. You giving more won't change her for the better. It's probably always going to be all about her in her mind. If that changes, it won't be because of anything you do. It would require some significant paradigm shift that comes from within her, and that may never happen, or if it does, due to something like hitting a rock bottom point. Please be careful to take of you.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7126
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Sun Nov 18, 2018 4:57 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My toxic relationship

Postby fletcher78 » Fri Nov 09, 2018 11:06 am

xdude wrote:And not to get all philosophical, but you may have, or maybe will, reach that point of pondering 'maybe I needed this painful experience to happen, to give me the kick I needed to grow'

This is exactly how I now think. Just like an alcoholic has to lose everything before they eventually get help. I believe there is a lesson in everything & every struggle helps us grow. She says we have wasted years, I say I have gained some important lesson which will help me grow to the next level.

xdude wrote: p.s. She may come back at some point, and you may be tempted to retry. It happens. Sometimes it takes a few rounds for it to really sink in. You giving more won't change her for the better. It's probably always going to be all about her in her mind. If that changes, it won't be because of anything you do. It would require some significant paradigm shift that comes from within her, and that may never happen, or if it does, due to something like hitting a rock bottom point. Please be careful to take of you.

She has come back already, trying to ask for another chance. Saying she does love me then in the next breath that she does but not in a boyfriend way. I stood my ground & said it's over. She even made the remark that I just wont go which is ironic as it was her who contacted me again.

I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can function throughout the day without the fear of arguments or checking the time to make sure I have texted her before she texts me interrogating why I haven't texted her.

I truly believe that deep down she knew that we both were not meant for each other but I was a regular supply of validation & emotional security for her. On the flip side I was at first afraid of been alone & afraid of hurting her by breaking up which I should have done after the 2nd or 3rd time of her dumping me & the verbal abuse. But, as I said earlier it is what it is, I have no regrets & no remorse I just feel stronger now & able to move on with lessons learnt.
fletcher78
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2018 11:13 am
Local time: Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:57 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My toxic relationship

Postby xdude » Fri Nov 09, 2018 3:01 pm

Hey fletcher78,

You are actually doing great! I don't know if you had any help, or progressed to this point on your own, but what you are writing about is the best possible outcome after a toxic relationship. You've looked at your part (a hard step to take), and oh yea to what you wrote about reaching that point of embracing the positives like -

I am not walking on egg shells, today.

I am not having to engage in an insane, anxiety producing, depressing, fight, today.

I am not having to put my own needs aside, today.

I am not having my self-esteem shredded and toyed with, today.

I do believe you that you provided the validation, the security, and emotional support she wanted, but as you learned, it wasn't reciprocated. Sadly with toxic people it's often not. Even worse is you build them up and it empowers them to be cruel, and just demand more.

Glad you are sticking to your position, choose you. Take care of you. You deserve better in a relationship. Also I hope others who read this benefit.

p.s. I had to chuckle with you over the 'we have wasted years' comment. It's such nonsense. The goal is to enjoy the relationship. Doubtful she even knows what her goal was/is if pressed to explain it. To what, to so run you down that there is no you left but be a thing to fulfill her every momentary want? You had the right thinking. A relationship should be mutually beneficial. Again glad though that you took away something positive despite what happened.

Best,
xdude
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7126
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Sun Nov 18, 2018 4:57 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: My toxic relationship

Postby fletcher78 » Fri Nov 09, 2018 9:58 pm

Thank you for the kind words!

xdude wrote:You are actually doing great! I don't know if you had any help, or progressed to this point on your own, but what you are writing about is the best possible outcome after a toxic relationship.


I realised around 6 months ago that something wasn't right & maybe I needed some help so I managed to get 8 therapy sessions which were for depression at first but then turned into codependancy therapy. I then just Googled & Googled & watched YouTube vids. I did a lot of work on myself & I think this is how i managed to call it a day this last time. There's a lot of support out there & forums like this help a lot. But, theres only you that can do anything & it can take time sometimes.

xdude wrote:p.s. I had to chuckle with you over the 'we have wasted years' comment. It's such nonsense. The goal is to enjoy the relationship. Doubtful she even knows what her goal was/is if pressed to explain it. To what, to so run you down that there is no you left but be a thing to fulfill her every momentary want? You had the right thinking. A relationship should be mutually beneficial. Again glad though that you took away something positive despite what happened.


Yeah I think that just shows you how she thinks. I once told her that your there to give in a relationship & not to take. She asked me what she gave to the relationship & I was actually lost for words. I couldnt answer her which made me sit back and think!
fletcher78
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Nov 08, 2018 11:13 am
Local time: Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:57 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: lilyfairy and 21 guests