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the fear of going into a relationship

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the fear of going into a relationship

Postby themissingme » Thu Nov 08, 2018 12:07 am

I am so sad..
and afraid
have been seeing a guy for almost 2 months during the friends stage
didn't hold hands, didn't hugs,didn't kiss yet and we have only started to flirt a little more
we joked, we had a lot of fun talking about meaningless things, sometimes we have deeper talks, he would share more of what he is thinking

and I know that I am falling
or I have already fallen for him because I like being around him
it's fun, he is sensitive at times, he cares a little..
since we are still at the "friends" stage, we are still "open to the market" right now...
and I kind of figured that he was meeting up with another single girl for a drink, and he did tell me that he randomly met with his other female friend for drinks last weekend.. I am freaking out.. because I am jealous
I am worried that he would choose them over me
I am worried that I am not good enough for him
and maybe because I am not sure if I am ready to dive into a relationship yet, I blame it on him to try to find a way out... by doing so, I hide in the victim mode, focus on the fact that he is still meeting other girls, then I will have all the reasons to freak out and to walk away
I am also hiding into my fear, because I am not sure if I am ready myself
I am thinking it through if he is want I want
to be honest, I don't know
I am so afraid if I should dive in
because relationship is scary
having someone in your heart is scary and we might get hurt


the truth is, because of my fear of not sure if I should dive in, I schedule another dinner with other guy next week just to take my mind off him, just like what he was doing
but the truth is we won't get anywhere if I keep on doing this

what if he doesn't like me
he likes me
what if we are not compatiable
we won't know unless you dive in and try
what if I will get hurt again
I will cry, grab my heart, I won't die and I will survive through that
what if I miss this out and will I regret?
yes I will feel so painful because I missed this chance
and I don't want to regret it
I don't know if he is the one for me
but I still want to try
I want to see if this would work out
although I am terrified inside, I still want to give this a try
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: the fear of going into a relationship

Postby realityhere » Thu Nov 08, 2018 3:18 am

Grab the right moment and take a chance with your heart. Sometimes a leap of boldness is better than doing nothing or going with the same ol'.

You'll find out if he's more than just a friend, rather than dragging on the misery of wondering is he into you or not? If he's not, then that frees you up to search for another relationship. If he is into you, then everything's gravy.
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Re: the fear of going into a relationship

Postby themissingme » Tue Nov 20, 2018 2:29 pm

thanks for the support.. I bravely grabbed onto his arm and lean my head towards him with the help of alcohol on the 9th Nov and we had our first kiss then.
we held hands a little and we would hug and kiss too.. until I saw his messages from coffee meet bagel popped up when we were chatting.
I was away for couple days and he was telling me that he misses me but the fact showed that he was still swapping through the app, liking girls and speaking to them.

it was so disappointing and I felt so dumb of deleting all the apps and cancelling all the dates after we kissed. It's really sad and my heart broke a little.
I confronted him and he #######4 a little about it was from before.. but we all know that he had to swipe in 7 days and speak to the girls in order to maintain the chat to be active.
he said yes he should delete the app and he deleted it in front of me.. but it doesn't really mean anything.. because if he wants to hide he can always hide.

the truth is, we are not there yet, for him to commit.
he can delete those apps but it doesn't mean anything
I am very sad, my emotions are so intense that I made a very silly mistake at work and got told off by the director and my manager.
I burst out in tears and rushed out of the room.. I never cried at work until today..
my tears just can't stop running..
it feels like forever since I last cried.. that much
my tears just can't stopped rushing out..
and I can't wait to see my therapist next thursday

borderline sucks
my black and white thinking sucks
my intensive emotions that are driving me to freak out all the time really sucks
my push and pull and swinging back and forth really sucks too
how my overwhelming emotions are driving me back and forth realy sucks
I can only write about it and I am so sad that we are not there yet
I am so impatient
so lazy and expect that love just happen like that, ta da!
and I didn't have to work for it
I didn't have to give enough or invest for it to grow
that it can just give it to me on a plate
I hate it when people mess around with my emotions
I hate it more when people manage to swing my heart up and down
I don't like to feel weak
I don't like to feel sad
and I am feeling so vulnerable and so sad...
so weak
so victim

I thought love will grow
I thought that people can be loyal
I thought that love can grow slowly
and people will commit naturally without me working for it
but the truth is - love takes time to grow
love takes a long time to build up
it takes a lot for someone to commit.
and it takes TIME to know someone
this is the first red flag
it just shows us that we are not there yet
not enough for him to commit
I am acting out emotionally
making it such a big scene and let people make comment about it
because I am freaking out and don't want to try anymore
so I want others to talk me out
I want my fear to be so big that it will freak me out and withdraw myself emotionally
my defense is so strong that it does not want me to fall deep
it's TRYING to protect me from forming any relationship
forming relationship means sticking around when things are tough..
I am not sure if I can hang in there...

I will do what I can to hang in there...
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: the fear of going into a relationship

Postby CaliforniaMan » Wed Nov 28, 2018 2:41 pm

I've been through the same. Interestingly, what got me out of this state is my girlfriend who was in the army. Military people have the kind of perseverance normal people just don't have and after learning about her hardships, I realized I was just too irresponsible. Maybe you will find military people interesting
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Re: the fear of going into a relationship

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 28, 2018 5:00 pm

Hey themissingme,

You know what made me smile about this post is that you are aware of your BPD.

For whatever it's worth I struggle with it too, and oh, I got 90 percent through writing a book about it, what it is like, except that it was so depressing for others to read I put it on hold ;) I honestly cannot decide do I want to sugar coat it to make it more palatable, or dig in deeper, in which case nobody will read it :D

You express yourself well, including all your quandaries and fears.

This means you do have real strength. I know it's hard to believe in yourself, but you really do.

No point other than I enjoy reading your posts and believe you'll find a path that works for you.
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Re: the fear of going into a relationship

Postby themissingme » Sun Dec 02, 2018 1:28 pm

here is an update of the story between the guy and me..
he went on a short trip and I followed him there..
nothing really happened except a single hug when we were both drunk
because I deliberately kept my distance..

at the end of the trip, I asked him what are we now and he said the spark was gone..
so we haven't met up after a week since the trip.. thought I still text him every other day and we would still chat

my bpd defense has successfully kept him away, and just managed the whole premature relationship into the toliet
I feel so bad about myself as I have been crying for the bloody whole week before bed.. or on a bus.. or whenever wherever
no one can understand how this intensive push and pull thing inside my heart except my therapist and you lot here...
he just doesn't know what's going on with me, and he has his own issues and defense as well
he is keeping me away and I can no longer get close to him except through messages
I am so sad.. feeling so sad that I just wanted to sleep for hours and hours
I have been crying so much and I almost feel that my tears will eventually run out

people say maybe he is not the one and what so ever
but I know what my BPD defense has done to ruin this relationship early on
and I had no one to blame but myself
although I got better each other in each relationship, I improved from fleeing, not being available, to stay around.. but still pushed him away (by saying mean things)

dear God.. why.. are you putting me through all of these pain..
why can't you bring me to someone who would understand me and accept me?
can you just lead me to the one that you have prepared for me? and saves me from all of these heartaches?

my heart is broken again into pieces.. and I just don't even have the energy to pick up all of these broken pieces..
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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Re: the fear of going into a relationship

Postby xdude » Mon Dec 03, 2018 4:07 pm

A tough one for sure themissingme.

For BPD, HPD, and NPD, it seems we often measure 'love' in terms of that 'spark', which comes on quick, and likewise, is damaged easily. Not sure if that's because we don't have the patience to build up to that, or because we need it like a dose of drugs as an impetus to start a relationship, or something to mask what we feel the rest of the time, or...

I wonder too if it's because what we missed as children was that 'spark' from a parent or caretaker, I just love you for you on a deep primal level that has nothing to do with what you do/did.
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Re: the fear of going into a relationship

Postby themissingme » Tue Dec 04, 2018 3:23 pm

it is a very tough question, maybe it's because we are feeling so intense all the time, if the feeling is not up to the degree of intensity, it's just not it? to us?
while most of the relationships are built up in time, and it's often not based on stimulations.. in most cases, in the healthy relationships. Maybe we never get that intensity of love from our parents? so we want it so bad?

BPD, we have an addictive trait.. we are like addicts, hunger for that intensity of relationships.
maybe it's just to fill up our "emptiness".. the hole that's left in us since childhood.. the lack of love and attention..

:-P
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
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