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Severe Jealousy Towards a Best Friend

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Severe Jealousy Towards a Best Friend

Postby CynicalDez » Sun Nov 04, 2018 9:52 am

(Hope this is where this goes, new here.)

Ok so this is going to be long, but I need to explain it to get others to understand, I think. There's literally no where else I can turn for this so please, bear with me.

Lately I've had this awful bout of jealousy that's never happened before and it seems to only be getting worse. It's not towards anyone outside of my personal bubble, just towards my best friend. I'll do my best to explain some things.

My best friend and I have known each other for 15 years now. We've lived together for about 4. We've done literally everything together and have grown up around each other. We're so close we call each other sister. Yeah we each have our problems, but we dealt with it. If one or the other was upset, we'd give each other space and be fine.

Lately, however, it's been really hard. I've always claimed to have had "bad luck" in my life, no matter how hard I tried, everything would go wrong, even if I believed it'd go right. It's difficult to hold down a job, college didn't go well, my family literally abandoned me except for my mother and one uncle, I can't take medication anymore cause I keep having severe reactions to them, my health is decreasing. It's a LOT to take on. My sister has dealt with a lot of hardships in life, and I understand that, but her outcome is so much better. I made better grades in all my schooling and never failed once, she struggled with keeping her grades up and failed classes in college. I was better at dealing with people, she had issues with it. I was somewhat skilled in art, something I dreamed of doing for a living, she doodled as a hobby. You get the idea.

Now it's like everything is switched for us. Every job I get never lasts long (IF I manage to find a job. Having an art degree actually destroys chances in some places). My cognitive ability is decreasing even when trying work on it (like math problems, reaction time, etc) and sister, while constantly on her phone browsing almost 24/7, is smarter than ever. She's a freakin genius. She always has been. I'm in a lot of pain lately, always seeming to be sick, have stomach issues, can't do much physically even after exercising, but sister can walk for hours and not have any issues (despite the fact that she is a little overweight and doesn't exercise much at all). Like she doesn't even get sore, but one hour after walking and the next day kills me. Her family was able to pay one month's rent when she first got a job and gave her a car, where my family has always struggled with money. On top of that she has a career in computer science and is doing fantastic in life, which that career path was a total fluke that turned out great.

But the worst thing that's recently happened is that she's drawing more and into art more. And what's bad in my head is that, in my opinion, she's better than I am. This DESTROYS me completely. We're usually interested in the same thing, yes, but this was something I've been working to improve for years, even went to school for it. I feel like she's stealing more from me. And it's not just that, almost everything I do is copied. My phrases, interests, the way I act towards pets, everything is being copied. For a long time I wondered if it was possible for someone to literally drain everything from you and make it theirs. Kinda still wonder that. On top of that her intelligence always makes me feel like a moron. Sometimes she'll throw in constant facts or start off with “I can explain that” or “I have a theory.”And she's not a bad person. She's a great person, far better than myself in literally everything. She's smart, kind, charitable, and deals with me. But she also has anxiety and feels like many people hate her, so it's not like I can just bring this stuff up to her. I've tried. But this constant jealousy is killing me. I know I'm the problem, not her, but what to do? I'm so tired of fighting myself all the time over stupid, petty things that are personal insecurities. Something needs to be done because it's causing tension and everything is being bottled up inside until it rots.

(Sorry for the long message, I desperately needed to get this out to someone...)
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Re: Severe Jealousy Towards a Best Friend

Postby Wally58 » Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:23 pm

I sometimes feel that I am not as far along as I need to be at times. I probably am my own worst enemy and best friend, depending on how I'm doing. I can only hope to learn a better way forward, one day at a time.
There is a line in the Desiderata that helps me to 'not compare':

"If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans".

The Desiderata is a good read for me when I am out of balance with the world:
http://mwkworks.com/desiderata.html

Wherever I go, there I am.
Best of luck to you. :D
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Re: Severe Jealousy Towards a Best Friend

Postby CynicalDez » Mon Nov 05, 2018 9:30 am

Thanks, Wally58.

It's hard to just read things though and it be alright. I tell myself constantly that it's fine if someone's better, it's always like that. Positive things don't really seem to work much, though. It's not that I'm not proud of my sister. I really am. Immensely proud of her and what she's overcome in life. It's just hard to understand that, while there are people better at things here and there in life, why in the world did it have to be my sister that's better at everything?

It's...a bit hard to understand. I'm sure it has to do with me hating myself and how I am, with the fact that I seem to have to push 500% when she seems to only push 65%, yet she still exceeds me in everything. I've always been viewed as the big sister and someone to look up to and rely on. But it kinda kills me that she no longer needs me, that I'm basically useless to the only person that ever really did look up to me in anything. And I'm jealous of all her abilities because I'm so far behind in life right now and feel like there's just no purpose for me. Things like "why couldn't I be smart" or "why can't I be skilled at anything" or "why is it no matter how hard I try, I always fail at it" pop up into my head. Then there's this endless cycle of negative thoughts and emotions.

I apologize for typing so much and rambling on. It's nice to talk to someone about it and just get it out.
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Re: Severe Jealousy Towards a Best Friend

Postby Wally58 » Mon Nov 05, 2018 10:55 pm

I went through a time of low self-esteem when everything sounded like criticism to me and I felt hopeless/helpless.
It was made worse with a large ego. Self-esteem and ego are not the same thing. The large ego made me unteachable and unreachable. I had to allow myself to be human.
A 12-step program with a roomful of peers helped. The 4th step about 'personal inventory' (for the first time in my life) allowed me to make peace with who I was and who I wasn't.
I learned to like myself for who I was despite all my mistakes, shortcomings and regrets.
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