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On again Off again

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On again Off again

Postby Jemma » Fri Oct 26, 2018 10:18 am

I've been in this relationship for 3 n 1/2 years now. And we go constantly on and off. I know it'll sound weird but. He loves me in seasons. He doesn't love me in the summer then comes back to me in the rains and then falls out of love again around October and then comes back in December and its a loop. We don't date other people during the off time . Because i still love him and always did and he isn't in a place in his life to see other people. We're great when we're on and then he just leaves . So obviously Everytime this happens I'm a mess . I don't know how to deal with this. It's been more than 3 years now and I still can't get used to it. How do I get used to it ? I wanna be calm when he leaves. I wanna get used to it. How do I handle this ?
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Re: On again Off again

Postby xiximmxi » Fri Oct 26, 2018 9:21 pm

Hi Jemma,

If you are not on board with this on and off relationship that makes your heart ache after three years, what makes you think you're going to like it next year? Do you see yourself ever changing your mind in the future? If he does this without apparent reason - what would he do when you two are actually going through a rough patch like every couple does?

You won't just wake up one day and be OK with this. You already know what kind of relationship you want to be in. Why are you lowering your standard to be with a guy that is willing to hurt you time and time again? You shouldn't be focused on how you can get used to this; you should putting your energy into your happiness. If this relationship doesn't make you a happier, better person every day, then what is the point?

I know this is probably not what you wanted. I'm sorry :oops:
But I wish someone had told me to ask myself these questions when I was in a toxic relationship with my ex for five years. I loved him so blindly, with all of my heart. I justified everything he did that weren't alright with me. I understand what you are going through... But you need to hear this.

Tell him how you really feel about this situation. It's okay to be vulnerable; telling people how something really makes you feel doesn't make you a weak person. You will feel so much better after, too, I promise. And if he is willing to change and work on this "we are great but I'm gonna leave you high and dry" BS for you - great. If not, he ain't the one - you should say f you & move on.
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Re: On again Off again

Postby xdude » Sun Oct 28, 2018 9:18 am

Hey Jemma,

I know you've written about this relationship many times here, and you are aware it's toxic, but understood you still are at a point where you aren't ready to let go. I do agree though with the comment above, odds are you aren't going to come to peace with him leaving over and over.

I've also written to you before, understood it can be hard to end a toxic relationship. It really can become an addiction, and breaking it is as hard as something like giving up heroin. You'll feel worse before you feel better, which can keep a person locked in for a long time.

But perhaps the thing to do is when December comes around, ask this question again. Perhaps your head and heart will be in a better place, do you even want to repeat the same cycle again.
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Re: On again Off again

Postby Jemma » Sun Oct 28, 2018 10:28 am

Thanks guys .
Xdude . Thank you so much for always helping me with your support and advice. Thanks for understanding . The problem is. When we're together and having a good time its so Good and comforting and just so pure . Its hard to let go when its bad . Even though at this point the bad. Is way more than the good. I can't let go of those good moments . I don't really open up to people soon and its just that I've become so comfortable with him . I'm afraid I'll never have that comfort and love with anyone else. Now i know that everyone thinks this way but it gets better . But i don't think it will . Everytime he leaves. I know he's going to come back . The most time he's taken is 5 months . But most of me still behaved like i was his girlfriend and he just wasn't talking to me in those 5 months .
I don't know . I'm just going to go with the flow for now . Maybe leave this city and start new somewhere after I'm done studying and have a good Job if things don't get better . I can't think of any other way to put an end it to it . But i pray to God it works out . Because I believe what we have is special . Even if he or anyone else thinks otherwise .
Thanks again both of you. Hope you'll find the happiness you'll deserve.
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Re: On again Off again

Postby xdude » Mon Oct 29, 2018 1:59 pm

Understood Jemma,

I can relate to the belief that it will never be as good (when it is) with someone else, but I also wanted to share something with you that someone else conveyed to me...

For reasons that worked for you, you opened up with him, but much of those good times are because of you. That's what is within you that you shared with him. You made that happen. You are the romantic in the relationship, the dreamer, the person who is almost assuredly doing most of the giving.

Question is, why did it take him and all of his issues for you to open up to someone?
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Re: On again Off again

Postby Jemma » Fri Nov 02, 2018 7:57 pm

Well I wouldn't say all the good times were because of me . That's very sweet and supportive of you to say. He's extremely bi polar . And hence I feel like I'm in a place where there could be a blizzard one moment, hurricane the next or a sandstorm. Its an emotional rollercoaster . Very unstable. Again when he's in the good weather mood. He's a great person . But well when the weathers bad It's bad and ruthless. He keeps breaking yo with me. We are broken up right now as I'm talking. Who knows what's next . Its so predictable yet unpredictable. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. But well thats what it is.

Thank you so much for listening. I really couldn't appreciate less . Thank you.
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Re: On again Off again

Postby xdude » Mon Nov 05, 2018 4:16 pm

Very true Jemma,

Yea, those extreme personalities can be very attractive and addicting when the are on their upswings, behaving in ways in that appeal to something that aligns with what matches our own desires, and wants.

I am concerned though that you are stuck in an the traditional addiction pattern with him. It seems it comes down to this -

1.) When times are good, they are really really good, so like being high on a highly addictive drug.

2.) When times are down, they are really really down, and this part hurts, so we struggle to go back to #1, which does alleviate the pain for a while, now and then.

3.) To go cold turkey, completely stop the drug hurts even more than #2, unless one can do so long enough that those symptoms subside. And as it applies to a relationship with an extreme personality, it means that letting go entirely is going to hurt. Loneliness, will I ever feel that way again with anyone else?, isolation from others makes it hard to ask for support, etc.

You'll know when you are ready, if it comes to that point, where #3 seems more livable than #2.
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Re: On again Off again

Postby Jemma » Tue Nov 06, 2018 5:43 pm

Thank you so much,xdude.
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Re: On again Off again

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 07, 2018 9:26 am

You are welcome.

For whatever it's worth, it was a relationship with someone with an extreme personality that brought me to this website to begin with. I get your attraction despite the downs, but my fellow moderators here can attest to what I've written in private about how hard it was for me too to break the pattern, to let go of a toxic relationship. I was depressed as hell for months, and still sometimes feel that way, but also I enjoy a sense of peace now that I missed.

I can write to you too, it brought out the crazy in me, extreme emotions, and because those feelings were so intense, it felt like 'it must be love'. So again, understood you are not ready to let go yet and trying to find a way to make it work.
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Re: On again Off again

Postby Jemma » Wed Dec 05, 2018 9:35 am

Hello ,
Theres something I really need your opinions on . So I didn't have any friends untill last year of college. I made some friends this year . And they aren't the best of my friends . They're college friends. Doesn't everyone make friends in college ? There was already a group of people and I was friends with one of them. So she got me into that group and we really hit it off. So I very quickly became a part of that group . They're all my classmates. My boyfriend had a probly firstly because i made friends too fast. For which he accused me of lying to him about not having friends. I explained it to him that they've been my classmates for more than a year and it wasn't veey difficult to become friends with them quickly since we had topics like class and teachers to talk about. Now fast forward to today. I was outside college with him and my friends were all inside and he wanted to meet them. He met them and they said we've heard a lot about you. Hold . So is it not normal to answer things like 'oh he's good' or 'oh we broke up' when my friends ask me the question hey how's your boyfriend ? And recently since our relationship is very complicated I tell them idk when they ask me questions like 'hey how's it going between you and your boyfriend ' which is why ( coming back to today) one of my friends asked him so are you'll on or off right now i don't want to make it awkward for you'll by saying the wrong thing. Which again ticked my bf because ( coming to the main problem) he really got upset that I spoke about us to my friends. Because he doesn't like it . I've never told my friends about my personal life . Even they know we aren't that good of friends so they don't ask personal questions. All that they know about Alistair is out of the curiosity of how dating someone is . Because none of them have dated before. They ask me questions like what is like and were your parents ok with it when did you'll meet how is he as a person ( to which I've never spoken negative) They really think its cute and totally ship us.

So my question is was it wrong on my part to answer those questions and tell my friends anything about Alistair ? Very general knowledge. Nothing about the personal life I talk about on this forum. He said I was a liar and I lied by telling him I didn't talk to my friends about us. Which I didn't. They don't know our relationship dynamic and how things actually are . For them its a rosy picture . He is very upset about it and called me a very bad person for this.

I'd like to know your views on this .
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