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Boyfriend wants to end 5 1/2 year relationship

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Boyfriend wants to end 5 1/2 year relationship

Postby Ladywolf89 » Sun Oct 21, 2018 10:46 pm

Im sick to my stomach, I'm terrified, im confused. he just broke it off suddenly and moved out. I had to move in with my mom and he moved in with his mom. 5 1/2 years of the best relationship iv ever had. I'm 29 and hes 26 but we put a lot into it and he wants to end it but stay best friends and says he still loves me be but is not in love with me. He says he feels no need/want to be in a relationship with anyone. He says he doesn't understand why.

Sure we had hard times but we always got through them together. Recently I have been in and out of a job for the last year and a half and have had problems with depression and anxiety but he's always been supportive and says that nothing iv done is the reason he wants to end the relationship. He even cried when he told be because he knew it would break my heart. I don't understand though. He says he just needs to do this for him.
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Re: Boyfriend wants to end 5 1/2 year relationship

Postby xdude » Mon Oct 22, 2018 10:50 am

Hi Ladywolf89,

First, ouch, that must hurt.

And this won't help much, I know, but I would definitely take what he is saying at face value. It is not because of anything you've done. I don't know why, but people sometimes go through dramatic personality shifts and it sounds like he is going through one now. It's hard when this happens. He probably really does not know why. Of course none of that makes it easier for you, but perhaps it helps a bit to know you aren't a alone in going through this.

All that written, if it's possible, he really should speak with a therapist. Figure out why, for your sake and his.
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Re: Boyfriend wants to end 5 1/2 year relationship

Postby Ladywolf89 » Tue Oct 23, 2018 2:42 pm

would you know how I could go about getting him to see a therapist? I see one but I'm not sure I can convince him too.
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Re: Boyfriend wants to end 5 1/2 year relationship

Postby xdude » Tue Oct 23, 2018 3:37 pm

As you no doubt know, getting someone to go to therapy is not easy. Three things on the line -

Cost - Sometimes health insurance pays for this, but often not, and while there are some less expensive alternatives, it can end up being a show-stopper. I can recommend a cheaper alternative if this his primary reason to say no.

"There is nothing wrong with me" - Some people just won't go even if they can afford it. This is often the greater challenge.

Stigma - Some people won't go even if they agree they could benefit. The stigma factor.

Sucks, but good to read you are taking care of you and seeing someone. He might be back too.

Again sorry, but I don't have any easy answer. Please feel free to write as you need here.
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Re: Boyfriend wants to end 5 1/2 year relationship

Postby xiximmxi » Thu Oct 25, 2018 3:15 pm

My ex and I went through something similar to this...

We got together our senior year in high school so we were both young with little to no experiences.
He put me through so much - from drug addiction to cheating on me with my friend, you name it. I think he knew what love is supposed to be like but didn't know what it really is. And I justified staying in that toxic relationship for five years, justifying it by telling myself that love is unconditional.

After a while, I feel like he was curious about what is out there; wondering if there is something better or exciting out there that he hasn't experienced. I'm no saint; I've had those thoughts myself. And the scary part is, once you start to have that thought - it snowballs. And the other person just doesn't seem that attractive anymore, hence "love you but not IN love with you."

He had to do whatever he had to do, even if it meant breaking my heart and trust by lying or investing his feelings more than he should in other people, then realizing that I am the best he will ever get.

Obviously your situation may be very different than this but... you get the gist.

By the way, I doubt that this was "out of the blue," though. No one just wakes up one morning and decides to leave a five-year relationship. Unless you're a completely clueless person or he is an excellent actor, I'm sure there were cues.

& Breaking up with someone by telling them you still want to remain friends with them might sound like a cordial way but let me tell you, it's not. It's inconsiderate and selfish. It's a safety net. He is trying to keep you waiting at bay just in case he doesn't find someone else.

If you want to get him back, just tell him:
"Thank you for being so honest with me about where you stand because I would hate to blindly be in a relationship with someone who does not know if they should be with me or not and take my presence and love for granted. As much as I want to be your friend and stay with you through this, I think it would be too painful for me since I still am in love with you. I love and support you and I want you to find yourself and happiness, and I hope I am still here if you do decide to come back."
I can guarantee that he will come back to you.

But should you?
Read that again and ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who is uncertain how he feels about you. Do you really want to cage him with fear? Don't you think you deserve better than that? Of all things so vague and ambiguous in this world, I don't think love should be one. If you're not obsessionally passionate and hot for your significant other, wtf is the point?

Don't be afraid to start a new chapter in your life just because you're used to this person. I know, you've put so much time, blood, sweat and tears into this relationship. But how many years you've been with a person doesn't mean a thing if you're just in love with memories, or how it used to be. We are constantly changing; we are not the same people we were a year ago, or a month ago, or yesterday. You have to love the person now in the present moment, and how they long to be.

But this is something you'll have to decide for yourself based on your specific circumstances.
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