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"You need to work on yourself!"

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"You need to work on yourself!"

Postby Markness » Sun Oct 21, 2018 7:33 am

This is something I am commonly told by others when I mention my struggles in establishing a relationship. Even those who tell me there's nothing wrong with me tell me to work on myself. I honestly don't know how to go about this or even if it's possible for me. I have been in a routine for most of my life and I am usually drained by the stress I go through to the point I pretty much collapse under the pressure I feel. I am 30 now so if I couldn't achieve social skills and my goals in my developmental years, how can I ever at all when I've missed out on so many milestones?
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Re: "You need to work on yourself!"

Postby realityhere » Mon Oct 22, 2018 1:29 am

Markness,

As a disabled person myself, I missed many social milestones in my developmental years as well. At age 30, you still have time to develop and attune skills to achieve those milestones, however many years later. I know, I've been there as well, going into my 40's. Just because you missed earlier milestones doesn't mean you can't accomplish them. You have the intellect and vocabulary to express yourself here, it's just going to take some time to polish those features into a socially comfortable context in which you can interact with others. Take your time with this process...
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Re: "You need to work on yourself!"

Postby Markness » Sun Oct 28, 2018 6:58 pm

I do have a therapist and I see her tomorrow. It's just difficult to function during the days I don't see her. The days feel slow and painful due to the fact I struggle so much that it further reinforces the vicious cycle I am stuck in.
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Re: "You need to work on yourself!"

Postby xdude » Tue Oct 30, 2018 8:31 am

realityhere wrote:You have the intellect and vocabulary to express yourself here, it's just going to take some time to polish those features into a socially comfortable context in which you can interact with others. Take your time with this process...


I wanted to write yes to this. You express yourself well when you are writing here. Not everyone can do that.
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Re: "You need to work on yourself!"

Postby psidium » Sun Nov 04, 2018 4:22 pm

Comrade, it is not too late. I'm 22 and missed all typical social milestones when I was growing up. I thought I was lost, but over the past year made huge progress. I still haven't even kissed a woman, but now I can attract them at least, I can touch them, I can make eye contact, I can tell if they're interested in me. And one year ago I was so shy I couldn't even buy a bus ticket or order something in a restaurant.
But you need to do something. You need to find a group of friends that can integrate you.
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Re: "You need to work on yourself!"

Postby xdude » Wed Nov 07, 2018 9:18 am

Something many have tried to express to you Markness is that many people struggle with finding a relationship, and if they do have one, often struggle with the relationship too. So I don't think it's unusual that you've struggled, but I do wonder if your perception is skewed (i.e., you may be focused on the belief that others have an easy time of it, seeing only those cases, or only the outside appearance).

You do express yourself very well here, which tells me that you have it within you, but understood you struggle with communicating that face to face.

I am hopeful for you that you find others in their 30s have changed. The 20s is a strange time for many people. It's often the first time in their lives they are stepping into that role of living life as an adult, no parents to carry all of that adult load. Many men and women at that age are driven almost purely by hormones, primal instinct, and immature beliefs about what a relationship is about. These relationships often don't last. The 30s tend to be a time of yet another change, greater focus on stability, values, picking partners who can sustain a relationship, etc.
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