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I feel like my wife's therapist is scamming me

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I feel like my wife's therapist is scamming me

Postby FinallyWoke » Tue Oct 16, 2018 6:17 pm

I'm having a real problem here. I was about to file for divorce from my HPD/NPD wife, but she made sure to file first and then bring me a business card for her attorney and hand it to me because she wanted to see my face when she told me she filed. I know...everyone is going to ask if she has been diagnosed...and technically she hasn't. But when we first saw a marriage councilor 5 months ago, and my wife stopped after 1 session, she said she could see it. She was more concerned about my codependency and why I stay married to someone that obviously doesn't love me. I've actually met with her therapist in a group session and twice alone now, and she says she also sees it. She says that my wife doesn't have the "ego strength" to come to terms with the damage she is causing, or even being honest during any of the sessions. We also have a VERY close family friend that has 2 PHDs in psychology, and she says from ALL the time she has spent with her, that would also be her diagnosis...from her own personal experience.

So here is my issue. To try to work on our marriage (for the sake of our two amazing children) I agreed to see her therapist. Her therapist just keeps saying that my wife lacks the "ego strength" for basically anything and everything that is a problem in the marriage. I've proven to her all the lies that have been told, and the smear campaign that my wife is doing to me. I told her I've spent the last 6 months trying to strengthen myself to the point that I no longer feel codependent with my wife. After 20 years with my wife I actually saw the truth. She has drained me of all my dignity while all I've ever done is try to make her happy. Now she just projects ALL her anger and envy onto me, and is telling all our friends the craziest lies about me. But her therapist is saying that I could be the only "catalyst" to make her see the truth, and no matter what my kids will have to deal with her for the rest of their lives. But really it seems like she is just trying to get 4 sessions in at $600 a week (1 with me, 1 together, and 2 with my wife) while basically throwing me into the fire to be abused more. I told her I can take the lying and gaslighting in the therapy, because it took me so long to stand up to it. But it seems like the therapist is using this "last hope" for my wife, and the future for my kids, as a pawn to keep us coming in. Somehow she thinks she can get my wife to eventually get the "ego strength" to admit all the damage she has done. And I'm supposed to just sit there and let her attack me with accusations and just let the lies pass as a symptom of her condition.

Does this sound right to anyone. I really want to get help for my wife, even if we don't stay married, but at what expense? Do I allow her to continue the abuse of me...just in the hopes that I'm spending all this money to get the therapist to eventually have her see the light? I'm really confused what to do here. I understand my kids will have to deal with my pathological liar of a wife for the rest of their lives...but do I risk my own sanity in hopes that this therapist thinks she can do what most think is impossible to do? I love my wife, and I'm so sad it's come to this, but now I'm wondering if this is just easy money for a therapist that is giving me false hope she can help my wife.
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Re: I feel like my wife's therapist is scamming me

Postby xdude » Thu Oct 18, 2018 3:31 pm

Hey FinallyWoke,

My gut reaction -

First, I suspect you are a good thoughtful man who got involved with a self-centered partner. Sadly that happens, and it hurts.

I think you are seeing clearly. This is a real risk/truth, and perhaps an unfortunate fact that where other medical professionals tend to deal with objective measures of illness and outcomes (i.e., continuing to bill someone whose broken bone has healed, or not going to improve, is clearly unethical), some therapists unfortunately do, or will, encourage therapy endlessly, no clear goal of when it is time to stop, or say enough is enough.

You also should be placing yourself as equal in value, priority, in this situation. Your feelings, and your life matters every bit as much as the rest of the family, but another comment on that below. The financial cost is a big factor, that affects you, more than them if you are the one who is working to earn that money, dealing with job stress, and trying to be the financially responsible one. You are the one with 'skin in the game'.

Actually, that may be the key matter here from your point of view. Are you being valued equally? Are you valuing yourself equally? Do they actually value you, or just what you do for them? Or are you in last place, trying to accommodate your wife and children's wants/needs first, and for... (and the for part is where therapy could benefit you).

When it comes to therapist, unfortunately, yea, you may have to be blunt. Your therapist probably won't like that, but it could also be the start of what you really need here. To place your own needs/wants on equal footing with your wife, your kids, and your therapist's wants.

Please keep writing.
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Re: I feel like my wife's therapist is scamming me

Postby Tanoujin » Fri Oct 19, 2018 6:57 am

Hi FinallyWoke, I think it is a bit absurd to continue a couple therapy while the divorce is filed already. Such a therapy should have the goal to get along with each other and find a shared way together. Somehow this obviously changed to the both of you going different ways, while you stay responsible for the mental health for your designated ex-partner in financial terms, and because you have to play a role as psychological „catalyst“, which sounds like utter nonsense to me.
I think it is time to cut the crap.
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Re: I feel like my wife's therapist is scamming me

Postby xdude » Fri Oct 19, 2018 2:51 pm

Tanoujin wrote:Such a therapy should have the goal to get along with each other and find a shared way together.


Personally I agree, there should be some goal to therapy, and ideally the therapist should define that goal from the beginning. But the reality is most therapists don't define a goal, and will gladly take your money endlessly. Sucks, but truth. It is on you then to push for a goal, an outcome. I know that doesn't help given that you are the most responsible member of this family.
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Re: I feel like my wife's therapist is scamming me

Postby Tanoujin » Fri Oct 19, 2018 3:59 pm

Additionally, it looks like your therapist and you agree your wife has a disorder, while your wife thinks that you are the problem? There is no way to help a person that lacks insight in her mental state and has no pressure of suffering to change her ways but brute force: medication.
In germany you can have a private therapy, but that is an exception. The norm is you apply to the health insurance to get a therapy paid. And the insurances define some quality standards and limit the number of sessions.
You might want to do something equal: tell your therapist the budget left and ask her to come to some tangible results within that time frame.
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Re: I feel like my wife's therapist is scamming me

Postby xdude » Sat Oct 20, 2018 12:28 am

Tanoujin wrote:Additionally, it looks like your therapist and you agree your wife has a disorder, while your wife thinks that you are the problem? There is no way to help a person that lacks insight in her mental state and has no pressure of suffering to change her ways...

You might want to do something equal: tell your therapist the budget left and ask her to come to some tangible results within that time frame.


My view is definitely biased, and somewhat jaded, but yea, if she has disordered thinking then nothing is ever due to her own choices, you are going to be blamed for everything.

Your therapist is supposed to be neutral, but the reality is therapists can get sucked into disordered thinking too.

I also agree with the comment above, and I know it's not easy on you, but yea, you need to demand a tangible result in a time frame, otherwise the therapist probably will bleed you for more endlessly. Yea, it shouldn't be that way, but sadly it happens.

I do think you are perceiving clearly what is going on, if that helps.
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