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What does he want from me?

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What does he want from me?

Postby Kara97 » Wed Sep 19, 2018 4:35 am

A few months ago I met this guy in uni.
I’m 21 and he’s 16 (he started at 14).
He used to live in my dorm building and we had mutual friends. He joined me one day while I was sitting to ask me for advice. Anyway we started hanging out. We got close and he was there for me for some hard times I had. At some point I started sleeping over in his room, we’d eat dinner together and then fall asleep holding hands. (Seperate beds)
Then he started acting different. He says age is just a number and gets very angry and defensive if someone calls him a kid.
I noticed he would try to pull me away from friends by talking negatively about them to me and ruining his friendships with guys that would hit on me.

He had a habit of getting angry/petty over trivial things. (e.g: if I had a guy over at my room) he would actually kick him out of my room. Tell others “I was only his.” He was kicking a dog once that I used to pet to which I got angry. He threw food on the floor once because I didn’t pay attention to him. He would get involved in my problems without my consent (e.g: deleting a chat on my phone between me and an ex friend behind my back, sending a voice note insulting a friend I had problems with.) A thing that really shocked me was when he said “I can go to the cops and get that girl in trouble by saying she molested me”. Anyway he would say if I liked a guy I should tell him first so he can research him. The day before I traveled he slept with me in my bed even though I asked him not to. And he took a photo of my head on his chest (while I was asleep) He also had bought me an expensive perfume as a “thankyou gift”.

After I travelled back he was telling me he felt depressed. I was there for him, then he confessed that he likes me. Now I had made it pretty clear that nothing would ever happen between us because 1) the age difference and 2) I only saw him as a friend. He knew that I had a history of volatile relationships and friendships (and was almost raped by my best friend) so I didn’t like to date.
After that he said he doesn’t want to be friends and blocked me. However he came back an hour later blowing up my phone with calls and texts. He sent one of his friends to convince me to reply. He said he understands and would settle to just being my friend. Everything was fine. He’d speak to me daily and send me photos/videos of his adventures and whatnot and would ask for me to do the same. (We’re in different countries) Then he planned with my one of my friends a surprise for me. He asked her to buy me a necklace with a flower and print his letter. Then he wired her the money. He knows that I don’t usually accept gifts from men but he told me I should as it was an early birthday gift. I sent him a long message thanking him. Then he would bring it up in our conversations. Once telling me the price, second telling me how much effort and time it cost him to buy it.

However I got busy with a summer job and I would reply once a day. He would send long voice notes of his day and I’d reply. Then he would force me into calling him but I’d say I wasn’t in the mood. He started getting desperate, so one day he told me he had cut his wrists because of me. I felt depressed and asked him for time and space. He didn’t respect it. He started contacting my best friends and asking them for help to fix us. I kept talking to him and trying to pretend like everything was fine. Recently one of his friends contacted me saying he has changed. That he couldn’t stop crying and wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. He also advised me to block him. Then after I spoke to him today he sent me photos of his cuts.
I don’t understand what is going on with him? I don’t think this behavior is acceptable. And I don’t know what to do
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Re: What does he want from me?

Postby Tanoujin » Thu Sep 20, 2018 3:44 pm

Time to go no contact after explaining to him why, in my humble opinion. He tries to backmail you with self harm. That is inacceptable. Moreover he tried to manipulate you before and did not respect your limits. This boy is in love with you. But he lacks the maturity to take into account what *you* want. His strategy is primitive, the typical egoism of an infant. Tell him to learn adult behavior before trying again.
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Re: What does he want from me?

Postby xdude » Fri Sep 21, 2018 12:40 pm

I admit I am a bit on the fence...

21 vs 16 is not entirely about 4-5 years, it's about a very significant change in emotional maturity.

Agree though he has fallen for you, and he is immature, and being manipulative, but at that age, it is to be expected too.

I think there might be some room here for kindness, but also to set boundaries now, and a learning experience here as well... the boundaries slipped earlier, but to be clearer going forward.
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