Our partner

NPD BF privately compares me to past sex partners

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

Moderators: mark1958, xdude

NPD BF privately compares me to past sex partners

Postby littlefears » Fri Sep 14, 2018 5:30 pm

Unbeknown to me, my (presumably) covert narc partner of two years has been looking up former Tinder flames on social media to reminisce about ######6 them and compare me to them. I learned this by accident, recently. What drives this behavior? He won't open up about it.

Background:
My boyfriend has a lot of NPD traits. In passing, he's mentioned he's personality disordered, but refuses to discuss this. All I know is what I see, and that he's been in therapy for years (in the past). We have, for the most part, a good relationship. We rarely have conflict, but there were a few bad fights in the beginning (he's raged, insulted me, threatened to break up, threatened to withdraw sex, etc.) After some early discussions about boundaries and healthy arguments (no name calling, no yelling, no threats or manipulations), we handle conflict much better. We get along quite well, day to day.

One theme that continues to arise, however, is other women. BF has never cheated, but seems to be privately preoccupied with women he met on dating sites (before we became a couple). He rarely, if ever, mentions his exes. When he has, it was to say something unfavorable about them. He's never tried to triangulate me with anyone. That said, I learned he looks up former flames, weekly, to imagine ######6 them and compare them to me. He says he wouldn't call it a fixation on them, so much as just a "habit."

The incidents:
Six months into our relationship, I noticed BF liked photos of certain women on IG and FB who live nearby, with regularity. They kept appearing in my newsfeed. I asked him about them. He said they're women he met on hook-up apps, in the past. I asked if he's hung up on them, or if he's still pursuing them. He said no. His exes mean nothing to him. He rarely talks to them or even thinks of them. He never thinks, "oh, that one really got away." But, his "liking" their photos is borderline digital flirting, which he knows is wrong, so he will stop. He deleted 2-3 women (those he's never actually met, but used to talk to online).

Here we are, two years later. I was using a shared device to search for a party invite on FB, not realizing it was still logged into BF's account. The first items that popped up in the search bar were the names of women he met on Tinder, including those he has a history of "digitally flirting" with, and those women he deleted from IG. I expanded his search history (yes, I snooped, and it was wrong) and saw he regularly searches for these women and lurks on their profiles. Weekly.

So, I tell him what happened and asked him, again, if he has lingering feelings for his exes. He said no. Asked him if he is still pursuing women online. He said no. Asked him why he feels so compelled still to look up certain women he met on dating sites years ago. He said it's part curiosity, part boredom. Oh, and partly a way to "remain uncommitted" to me and "not go deeper." He said he didn't realize he did it so often. I asked what he means by that ("uncommitted"). (We've talked about marriage, and we live together, so this "uncommitted" thing is news to me...). He said I knew what I needed to know, and I don't need to know anything more. That he is going to stop doing this, and that's the end of it.

As I'm trying to wrap my head around this, he gets upset and tells me he looks at them to imagine ######6 them. (No $#%^. Why else would a man ritually cyber-stalk women from Tinder?) He said one woman, in particular, is "bad news" and "shouldn't be in his life." He said he had great sex with her, so he likes to imagine ######6 her, and he compares me to her. Ouch.

This is also a woman I asked about before, with regards to the IG flirting. He did not delete her then. He continued to post to her FB wall, like her IG photos (with less frequency, though), b/c she was still showing up in my news feeds. At one point, about a year ago, I tried to revisit our IG discussion. He got angry and shut me down, saying that he said he would stop (with the IG "flirting") and he did, so I need to drop it. I dropped it and trusted his word. Lo and behold, this is the woman he now specifically said is "bad news," who he habitually seeks out to imagine ######6 and compare me to.

Again, he said he knew his behavior was "wrong", just like with IG years ago, insofar as he knows it would upset me if I knew. But he did it anyway because it was a "habit," and he thought it was "mostly harmless," and "passive" (just searching for them and lurking on them) compared with the IG "flirting" (power-liking every single photo). Plus, he didn't think I would find out. Then he also blamed me for being hurt because I “pressed” him, by asking him why he’s always looking them up. He said it's a smaller deal than I'm making it out to be and these thoughts and behaviors are "fleeting."

He said he will stop trolling these women's pages and he wants us to work on our relationship. He also said his behavior is merely a symptom of our sexual issues. We aren't very in tune in bed. We haven't been since the beginning. But we've been working on it. I feel like I can't connect with him. That he's always somewhere else. He also feels like he can't connect with me. We both find each other attractive, we're affectionate, and otherwise compatible, which is why we've been working on the sex part.

But sex occurs only a few times per month, and it's boring. I wonder if I can't connect (and rightfully so now) because he's been fantasizing about his Tinder harem since the very beginning. As a way to stay "uncommitted" due to his intimacy issues, or whatever. Don't get me wrong. I have my hang-ups, too. But prior to dating BF, I was banging (my ex) twice a day, with 6- to 10-hour sessions on the weekends. Even when there was nothing else left in that relationship, the sex was great. We were banging up until the day I dumped him. I know I can be intimate and vulnerable with men... if I trust they can care for me in the way I want to be cared for, and vice versa.

Apparently, BF also had great sex with other partners. But he said he lost interest in them within 2-3 months, and didn't want to have sex with them anymore. To our credit, he said, he hasn't lost interest in me, and he wants to work on sex. He also acknowledged that instead of looking up and imagining these other women, he should have been investing in connecting with me. (Duh).

Anyhow, are we doomed? Can narcs truly connect with a partner? What exactly is this "comparison" behavior about? I have an appointment with a relationship therapist. I don't know if this is something I can or want to "work on" with him.
littlefears
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:39 am
Local time: Wed Nov 21, 2018 1:29 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: NPD BF privately compares me to past sex partners

Postby xdude » Sat Sep 15, 2018 3:27 pm

Hi littlefears,

If he really has NPD, then triangulation is a common theme for them. Triangulation meaning - it's you, him, and someone else he is idealizing. If he does have NPD, then he thinks he gets multiple benefits out of it including -

You really can't win. If you react in jealousy, he can claim you are the one with a problem, plus he gets the ego/validation boost of having hurt your self-esteem to temporarily boost his (for NPD types, everything is an ego battle, even when others are not at war with them). If you don't react, then it affirms you are not loyal (or don't care if he is more of the BPD/HPD type).

He gets to maintain a degree of keeping you at a distance, the 10 foot pole.

He may believe you are going to betray him anyway, so keeping his options open (because people with NPD often do betray those who care about them, so projection).

Of course triangulation really does nothing but damage the relationship. For all the perceived short-term wins he is pursuing in the moment, the cost adds up.

But a question though...

I am assuming he does have NPD, so if at any point you brought up, even in casual joking manner, your sexual relationship with your EX with him, that could be a fatal blow for someone with NPD. Or did he start this behavior toward you out of the blue? Something else?
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7130
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 21, 2018 2:29 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: NPD BF privately compares me to past sex partners

Postby littlefears » Tue Sep 18, 2018 2:43 pm

xdude wrote:Or did he start this behavior toward you out of the blue? Something else?


He's been doing this (cyber-stalking former sex partners) since the day we began dating, two years ago. I only learned how pervasive it is, recently, when I saw his search history. It's not like he was rubbing them in my face, talking about them, etc. Just lurking on them habitually for years.

I asked him if he keeps these women superficially in his life to keep his options open, which he denies. Also asked him if he's still pursuing them, or what. The only thing he would say about it is: "I look at them to imagine ######6 them and to compare them to you." As well as, "it's a way to remain uncommitted to you." Which, again, is news to me since he was the one who initiated the "what are we?" conversation and wanted "exclusivity" very early (after the first date), as well as pushed me to move in with him.

Is this a common among covert narcs? Obsessing over past sex partners (in your head) and maintaining superficial connections to people you met on dating sites (some of whom you've never actually met)? By superficial, I mean he doesn't talk to these women or see them, as far as I know. He's just constantly lurking on their FB/IG profiles and photos and fantasizing about them. Most of them don't even follow him back or like anything he posts.
littlefears
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2018 4:39 am
Local time: Wed Nov 21, 2018 1:29 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: NPD BF privately compares me to past sex partners

Postby xdude » Wed Sep 19, 2018 10:05 am

I have no idea if this specifically is common, but if he does have NPD, then as I wrote above, some of the pattern is common including -

Avoiding emotional intimacy.

Triangulation.

Grandiose thinking (e.g., he may believe these other women want him).
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7130
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Nov 21, 2018 2:29 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 17 guests