Our partner

PTSD afraid to love ever again

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

Moderators: mark1958, xdude

PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby themissingme » Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:20 pm

PTSD does not necessarily have to fit into all the diagnostic criteria of PTSD..
I know that I have PTSD of love since my 6-7 years commited relationship ended...
I am no longer trusting..
no longer believing in love
no longer letting myself to let people in for real
not letting people to enter my world
not letting others to see the vulnerable me
no longer believe in love can last forever
no longer trust that people would stay and always be ready for people to leave or do things to scare them away so they wil leave me eventually

I don't know what to do.. I no longer want to break like I did .. no longer want to take any risk in love..
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
User avatar
themissingme
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 169
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:04 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby xdude » Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:02 am

Hi themissingme,

I know that at this point in time, these are just words, and will not change how you feel today, but ...

How you feel will change, for the better. It won't happen over night, but it will happen. It may happen in small steps, just flashes or moments of having forgotten your ex, a moment of feeling okay, but even those short moments are something, and then... those last a little longer, and longer, until one day you feel okay for an hour... then two hours... time really does heal such wounds.

But in the mean time, please find someone to speak with, and if it's possible for you, a therapist/counselor to share what you are feeling with.

The next time you love, and I hope for you that you do, because it is worth it, you will be wiser. Wiser about love, about you, and the type of person you chose to love.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7060
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 1:13 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby themissingme » Fri Jul 13, 2018 2:33 pm

Thanks for responding to my post.. I really appreciate that :-)

the part that I was stuck, was not because of I loved my ex a lot..
it was more like I broke into pieces when my ex left, I was so dependent on her and she took on the parental role back then.
the pain comes from having to grow up
having to learn to live in the world alone
not having someone to depend on..
the fear of love being so unpredictable and I had no ways to control love,
no ways to control how much I like someone,
or how or who I would choose to love..
or when would love end.. <- this is the scariest part
what if I let someone in and then all of a sudden he left me without a sign?
what if I trusted that someone would be here with me for life, let him into my emotional world.. but then we didn't work out and I would have to detach from him again..

I know that nothing is forever and nothing is "certain" in this world.. not even my health, not even my body, my life, my job, my friends, my parents..
but this is so helpless.. and scary..
love is unpredicable
uncontrollable
risky and dangerous
we never know when the love would end.. and we would just go with the flow.. go with the up and down..

it's okay to be afraid (I am telling myself)
and I know that I will never break like I used to because I am no longer depending on someone like I used to depend on my ex (I have BPD and dependency trait)
if we are taking a long time to know someone as a friend, then it will be much less scary because we would have more time to really get to know someone instead of rushing in without any data

:-/ thanks for reading.. it really helps for me to type it out so I can process it alittle better.. it's a little less intense now..
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
User avatar
themissingme
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 169
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:04 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby xdude » Fri Jul 13, 2018 3:45 pm

Hi themissingme,

I struggle with NPD and BPD too. I'm male so as a male, my preferred coping mechanism tends toward the NPD side, but wanted to comment on this...

themissingme wrote:love is unpredicable
uncontrollable


Yes uncontrollable, but both BPD and NPD types share this, the want/need to control outcomes.

Also yes, people may leave, or they may not, or they may choose something in the middle.

Do you have someone you are able to speak with in a counselor/therapist role?
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7060
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 1:13 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby themissingme » Sun Jul 15, 2018 9:56 am

xdude wrote:Hi themissingme,

I struggle with NPD and BPD too. I'm male so as a male, my preferred coping mechanism tends toward the NPD side, but wanted to comment on this...

themissingme wrote:love is unpredicable
uncontrollable


Yes uncontrollable, but both BPD and NPD types share this, the want/need to control outcomes.

Also yes, people may leave, or they may not, or they may choose something in the middle.

Do you have someone you are able to speak with in a counselor/therapist role?


I am not ready to pay couple hundred USD to go into therapy yet.. where I am at right now, therapy is very expensive.. and it's not something I can afford right now.. that's why I am reaching out to the forum as my support and outlet :-)

Yes love is uncontrollable.. and maybe I will have more courage to believe in love.. slowly, steps by steps.. you are right.. we never know what the outcome is.. and when I am terrified.. when I can no longer stand my fear.. I would end it by pushing people away..

maybe it's better for me to take things slow.. instead of putting myself in an intensive states.. :-)
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
User avatar
themissingme
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 169
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:04 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby xdude » Sun Jul 15, 2018 11:25 am

Understood about the cost of therapy.

themissingme wrote:Yes love is uncontrollable.. and maybe I will have more courage to believe in love.. slowly, steps by steps.. you are right.. we never know what the outcome is.. and when I am terrified.. when I can no longer stand my fear.. I would end it by pushing people away..


Yes, I think this is common for those with BPD. When we go into one of those spiral down moments, feeling very low, if we push them away first, we can believe that is going to hurt less to push them away first, before it happens on terms we have no control over. Sort of like it hurts less to rip off our band-aid versus it happening unexpectedly. Of course later, we then end up regretting doing so.

themissingme wrote:maybe it's better for me to take things slow.. instead of putting myself in an intensive states.. :-)


A really good idea! The best idea ;)
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7060
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 1:13 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby themissingme » Sun Jul 15, 2018 2:07 pm

Sort of like it hurts less to rip off our band-aid versus it happening unexpectedly. Of course later, we then end up regretting doing so.


This is exactly how it feels like.. :-/ yes I would rather taking the control of tearing the wound.. instead of taking the unexpected outcome...
or letting others cut it open again..

it's sad and pathetic.. because what if it didn't happen so bad. maybe there is a chance that people would stay if they had more time to get to know me.. I just didn't want to give them or myself a chance to be disappointed again..
who am I to know that what would happen in the end..
maybe people would leave or maybe some would stay.. or even one is going to stay would be enough.. :-)

thanks xdude for your reply :-)
I don't have hope, so God reaches out and gives me hope.
I don't feel loved, so God found me and shows me His never failling love.
I don't feel happy, so God shows me what happiness can be like..

*The Darkest Night Brings the Brightest Stars*
User avatar
themissingme
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 169
Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2018 3:04 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:13 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: PTSD afraid to love ever again

Postby xdude » Sun Jul 15, 2018 5:34 pm

This is our BPD speaking to us. When we go into that place where we are seeing the worst possible outcomes, worst possible in ourselves, and sometimes others.

It's very real though, and so cannot just be turned off. No matter how much someone else thinks 'just don't think that way', it's not that simple.

themissingme wrote:it's sad and pathetic.. because what if it didn't happen so bad. maybe ...


Yes also this! This is truth too, but it takes practice to really come to believe it enough that it sticks.

I think for many of us who struggle with cluster B, so much of it comes down to letting go of control over what others may or may not do, because we fear being hurt again so badly that we cannot take it if it does happen that way. But it may not.

Letting go of control, hard to do.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 7060
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Wed Sep 19, 2018 1:13 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 22 guests