Our partner

Need male and female imput in this one

Open Discussions about Relationship Issues.

Moderators: xdude, mark1958

Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Wed May 30, 2018 1:19 pm

Sorry for the long post but wanted to explain everything as clear and detailed as I can because I am having difficulty understanding this one. Looking for real imput not sarcasm. I do enough of that.

Her:
She is 42, fairly independent and has a very creative personality. She just recently got out of a few year relationship with her ex-boyfriend as in like two weeks ago. I have been given the impression he wasn't very good to her. Information based on what I have picked up from her talking to me and what others have said that was going on. They evidently had very different personalities.

Me (man):
I am 31, I also am very creative and am fairly good at figuring out problems in everyday situations. I am very handy and can understand most issues better than other people around me. I see things others don't.

Her and I:
This woman and I are co-workers. She started roughly three months ago or so. I have worked here for 13 years. We started out just saying hi or good morning like typical co-workers would. Things with her and I began to become for frequent crossing paths about six or eight weeks ago. We started to text often and would go to lunch together at times. I had a feeling that things weren't great at home. I honestly was/am attracted to her and feel there was attraction from her as well. I knew she had just came oit if a relationship and didn't want to nust jump in his place and have anything to interfere with her healing process/time. We are both Libras and work very well together and can get alot done. I'm positive that we had/have chemistry. There are things we would talk about in text and also in person. I wish people could read the text messages we exchanged because I think it would explain the situation better than what I can.

About three weeks ago, her and I became real tight, close friends. Her and the ex broke up. He had been using her truck to move stuff or go somewhere all last week or 10 days prior to now. He dropped it off yesterday per their arrangement. For the last week to 10 days I was picking her up to take her to work and take her home since she didn't have wheels really and I thought her paying for an Uber was ridiculous. I also, helped her out on several things such as mowing her lawn for her she wasn't having much energy to do so herself and pluss it had been raining a lot so it was hard to do it anyway with the small mower she has. I went and mowed her lawn for her. She initially thought her son had done it but soon figured out it wasn't him. She accused me of mowing her lawn. I just said i didn't know anything about it. She said it looked the best she has ever remembered. Apparrently her mower didn't mow well because it would leave tall spots. My mower is commercial grade and mows very well. I also use to own a mowing business. She had her parents coming in late last week and also had a wedding to go to even tho she was scheduled to work. She was trying to get off really bad. I told her ig she wanted off i would cover her shift for her even tho it was my day off but work was offering overtime so I was cool with it. She was clearly touched when I offered it and told her to go to her bestfriend's wedding and spend time with her parents (who are from out of state) she said I was gonna make her cry. She also was trying to get a hand rail up for her mom before shr arrived which was about three days away at the time. I offered her ideas and offered to come over to measure for her on mounting points and get the correct length layed out. I built the railing out of black iron pipe idea I threw at her (she liked the character of the iron pipe), I also sandblasted it to bare metal, primed it, painted it and hung it for her all in two days (wasn't an easy challenge to do it in that short time frame to get the results that came out). She loved the railing and clearly ment a lot to her. I also the morning of her parents coming over go up early in the morning and came over to her house to assemble a nice porch swing she had bought the day before and I hauled it home for her. Another thing she wanted to get done before her parents came. I also, helped her clean off her back patio the evening we hauled the swing to her house. I also sprayed for ants around her house because she was so frustrated with the ants and they were excessive. Ants are gone. Took a shower at her place and took her to work.

So the day came her parents were coming in. I had helped her accomplish several things in a short period of time to help her out and to make her happy. She admitted at some point she was definitely spoiled. She didn't have anyone help her like that before. I pretty much left her alone for the most part the day of her parents coming in and the wedding because I was sure she was busy and wanted to focus on that. I gave her some space to do her thing.

Since the moring I helped her accomplish several things she has acted differently towards me. Almost alienated me. We considered ourselves pretty close. She has insulted me yesterday on something she would usually respond with a sarcasm or joke. Yesterday her parents left but they stopped by work to say good by to her before she left. She introduce me to them as well. Her mom thanked me for helping her. They are good people. Her ex also sopped by to give her the keys to the truck. (Think that's why her parents hung around for a bit as well so that transaction would go smoothly) Last night I made the attempt text her and stick up a conversation. Her text messages were short and had lengthy time spands between them. She said she was researching information on projects she wants to do but judging by her past messaging habits I felt there was some tention present or she was annoyed by me so i just told her I'd leave her alone.

So i don't habe a clue if I missed something or if she just need some time to try to iron out some things or if I was too available to help her or made too much effort. I believe it has been a long time since a man helped/supported her this much. I'm just not understanding what may be going on or if i did something to cause her to suddenly start looking me the way she started to.

Ask me anything. I tried to be as detailed as I could but like I said before i feel the text message exchanges we've had would likely bring alot of light to the table as well I just don't know how i could do that where people could read them.

Ask anything, I appriecate everyone's time reading this and woukd be thankful for both genders point of views.
Aj86
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 30, 2018 12:14 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby xdude » Wed May 30, 2018 1:59 pm

Hey Aj86,

So I assume you want some honest thoughts -

For me the main thing that stood out is the emphasis you've placed on 'supporting her', doing things for her, etc., and while you no doubt have good intentions, it can be hard to see why this can backfire.

I don't know where her head/heart is at, but there are many reasons helping her to this extent could leave her uncomfortable such as -

* She has already been in a relationship that started this way, and turned out for the worse.
* The understandable mixed feelings people can have about receiving 'charity'
* A not so positive reason, but possible, she has deep issues and she has already started testing you.
* Other reasons.

I do understand the beliefs behind why we may buy love and appreciation by the things we do for others, but also it can be step #1 toward an imbalanced, and ultimately toxic, relationship.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 6710
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Wed May 30, 2018 2:59 pm

So you're saying I was too nice and did too much?

She was the one who actually initiated the text messaging increase. We had been texting some but out of the blue one night she just started to go on and on and on. I think we texted till almost 1 am that night. Since then she has made very suggestive remarks and implications to really really enjoying texting me and hanging around me.

So should I just let her be and see if she comes around or am I thinking too much into this and she is just overwhelmed right now with emotions. Any thought if she will come around or should I just forget about her and move on. I kinda feel she needs some support regardless if it is me. I just "took her in" because there was chemistry and we got along really well and there seemed to be alot of attraction and desire between the two of us. I'd hate to see our relationship just tank like this.
Aj86
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 30, 2018 12:14 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Dahliaa » Thu May 31, 2018 6:34 am

Hello,

I think you have to give her more space. I understand you want to help and it is a good thing but it is too much too soon. She probably feels you intervene in her life because you two have known each other only a short time. People also do value their personal space a lot in general. I suggest you try to focus on yourself and wait some time. She probably will catch you later.

Dahlia
User avatar
Dahliaa
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 391
Joined: Tue Jan 02, 2018 2:21 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 4:08 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby xdude » Thu May 31, 2018 12:38 pm

Ambivalence can be confusing, for the person feeling that way, and for others, but yes, in short it's possible to do too much to do quick.

I don't think there is any need to choose any absolutes yet. Give her some space, wait and see what happens. Going forward, adjust. Everyone has their own pace at which they move from friendly to something more, and there is going to be some two steps forwards, one step back, moments.

Related, being supportive is an overall positive, but it is possible to be overly supportive. It's not good for us to buy/earn love, and not good for others to love us for what we do for them. Again, no need for any absolutes, just make some adjustments.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 6710
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Thu May 31, 2018 1:32 pm

Last night I did some praying for her and telling myself to try to leave her be for now. If felt like I needed to say something to validate my concern to her just so she knows. I sent her a text:
It is pretty clear you are bothered by something. I'm truely sorry if I said or did something to upset you. Hope you are well. I'm here if you wish to talk.

I didn't get a response nor did I really expect one but mainly just wanted to know that I'm still here. Hopefully in due time she'll come around and we can discuss what's going on or what's happening and get this friendship back on track
Aj86
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 30, 2018 12:14 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby xdude » Thu May 31, 2018 5:31 pm

Hey Aj86,

So I want to suggest something...

Not sure you should have sent that text, but for your sake, do not send any more follow-up messages like that.

The balls is her court, and whatever she does with the ball, let her have her turn to act/react. She may not, and then you know what you need to know, but sometimes when we are too supportive it's because we are trying to control/steer others, and for another reason (more on that below). We can be blind, thinking we are just being 'supportive', but it really is possible to be overly supportive, because... others do know on some level that we are doing that for us, for something we want.

A hard question to ponder, and this is for you, to grow, was all that support really for her, or for something you were wanting back in return? This level of honesty with ourselves is tough to do, but by doing it we can also end up seeing much clearer what others pick up on intuitively.
We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
xdude
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 6710
Joined: Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Thu May 31, 2018 11:20 pm

Well the good news is she has talked/texted me some today. First thing I noticed this morning she said good mornimg. That is a lot more than the last few days. Through out the day she asked me for help with some things. Then a short while ago she texted me after work thanking me for all the help I for her today. She also messaged me about how she was almost in tears today at a point becausr the other lady that is suppose to be working in her department was elsewhere in the building doing some of her own stuff for wuite a while. I worked in the department (like I usually do most days even tho is isn't mine but with my job and my abilities I am able to help out often) but kept my distance and was somewhat out of site much of the time. We haven't discussed anything yet but the fact she asked me for help today twice in fact and thanked me later and opened up about the other lady almost putting her in tears I think is progress. Definitely more than the last few days anyway. I'm just gonna continue to lay low i think and be supportive from a distance for a while and let her come to me about what's going on.
Aj86
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 30, 2018 12:14 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Fri Jun 01, 2018 3:44 am

Another thing I want to add is the way she looks at me. I'm pretty observant and can see things others can't I feel. The prior few days I noticed the way she looked at me had changed and not in a good way. Wednesday I don't believe she wanted to look at me. But today there were a couple moments where it seemed the way she looked at me hinted simular to before but wouldn't carve that in stone either.

Wednesday I worked my ass off that day. Pushed myself to the point I felt a few times of weakness and may collapse. No I didn't do it for her (mustly). I was in a "zone" and when I get there I'm like a mule that won't quit. I did the work of what takes four people do in 4-6 hours in about 4 hours by myself. When I was done and started to finish I could tell I was struggling to carry myself. I did it because one, I wanted to see what I could do and how good I could do it. Two, they were short handed anyway and wasn't likely gonna get done if I didn't step up. So yes, I partially did it for her I suppose so she could focus on her job more. The intent/reason wasn't the same as it was when I did things for her in my opinion.

Her and I have discussed in the past that we seem to feed off one another we've noticed (at least at work). She says when I'm around her she feels an atmosphere and presents that no one else brings that she senses . She has said she feels relaxed and like someone has her back during this time. She has also saud she hates it when I'm not working, she said she finds herself "looking for me" through out the day. I feel very simular and she knows this. I will admit since her and I have started to work closely I have found a whole new gear I can become and there are days that I even have a supercharger in me. It's always when we know we aren't far from each other. So like I said there is some chemistry there that seems to help one another in a way as well.

I feel she has a lot going on in her head right now and I'm trying to respect her space more. Hopefully she will open up to me in the future and talk about what's going on. Sucks not talking to her like we were but clearly I musta done something to effect her. It's a hurry up and wait thing now.
Aj86
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 30, 2018 12:14 pm
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby perejil » Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:32 pm

Aj86 wrote:Her and I have discussed in the past that we seem to feed off one another we've noticed (at least at work). She says when I'm around her she feels an atmosphere and presents that no one else brings that she senses . She has said she feels relaxed and like someone has her back during this time. She has also saud she hates it when I'm not working, she said she finds herself "looking for me" through out the day. I feel very simular and she knows this. I will admit since her and I have started to work closely I have found a whole new gear I can become and there are days that I even have a supercharger in me. It's always when we know we aren't far from each other. So like I said there is some chemistry there that seems to help one another in a way as well.


She sounds selfish, manipulative, and passive aggressive.

You sound obsessed and needy, with self esteem/boundary issues.

I think a relationship is a bad idea. In fact, I would consider cutting all contact with this person. I think she's really bad news.

That was female input, if you're curious.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.

—Walt Whitman
User avatar
perejil
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 738
Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 2:43 am
Local time: Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:08 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Next

Return to Relationship Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 34 guests