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Need male and female imput in this one

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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby perejil » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:31 pm

Aj86 wrote:Ment to post I CAN take constructive criticism in my last post


We got what you meant. Or ment.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.

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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Jun 14, 2018 9:40 pm

Aj86 wrote:Ment to post I CAN take constructive criticism in my last post

... fix-et-vous-ed.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Dahliaa » Fri Jun 15, 2018 9:16 am

shock_the_monkey wrote:
Dahliaa wrote:Shock_the_monkey: I think we are talking about different things. He is able to be himself and ask for help at the same time. Everybody does need help sometimes and friends are expected to help each other mutually. It is better to make clear those things from the very beginning because all relationships between adult people should be equal. I think now their friendship is not equal because he does serve her all the time in many ways.

I agree it probably would be better if he just focus on himself and live his own life but because he obviously can not do that it is better to do something to solve the situation.

Dahlia

... the issue here, for me, is him asking for help in order to achieve a hidden agenda ...

Dahliaa wrote:You need to find out if she is willing to invest in your friendship.


... namely finding out if she is willing to invest in his friendship (by which i assume you mean romantically, though that's something of an irrelevance to the argument that i'm going to set out here). to me, that's playing games. to me, anything with a hidden agenda is a game. now, i know that people do this sort of stuff all the time. and i'm even sure that you meant no harm by it. but i'm autistic. i just don't play games. i like to keep things nice and simple. and i have a very good reason for this: it avoids all sorts of confusion. and that's the bottom line of my advice to this poster: be open and honest with both yourself and her and ultimately this situation will become clear to you.

now, i'll tell you a little story. back when i had a relationship, things hadn't been going well for a long time. i'd been feeling used. and, worse than that, i was getting lots of advice from friends telling me to get out. so, i eventually plucked up the courage to ask her if she loved me. initially, she ducked the question. however, i persisted. where upon i got a flats "no". needless to say, i was heartbroken. i'd give the relationship my all. i desperately wanted someone special in my life. and, not surprisingly, the relationship spiralled downwards to its inevitable demise from there. anyway, i've thought long and hard about this over the years. and, whilst i haven't reached a hard conclusion, i think that my asking her if she loved me might have backed her into a corner. i think there might have been something there but she just couldn't admit it for some reason. possibly she was too afraid of the commitment involved. possibly it was the bad relationships that she'd had in the past. i just don't know and i probably never will.

so, perhaps within that context you can see why i'm giving the advice here that i am, namely not to force things in any way.


Thank you for explaining. I understand your point of view now. I also feel sad you have experienced all that. And you are right, people should be totally honest and straightforward in their relationships. It is better to keep things clear. People also should be honest for themselves which sometimes is very difficult.

Dahlia
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby shimtie » Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:58 am

Just a basic point. We don't have to construct tests to find out whether someone easily flows into our lives, takes interest in what we're up to, and kind of participates in the give/take of mutual activities.

I've spontaneously asked a gal I was dating if she'd like to join in on a thing or two or three, and eventually felt she looked at it as a buffet where we did what she wanted to do, and she kind of rudely said "no" to whatever didn't interest her or gave an insincere "next time" which never seemed to happen. It became rather off-putting. In the end I guess I wanted it more than she did. You don't want to be just someone's source of entertainment.
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby pamelaperejil » Fri Jul 13, 2018 8:07 pm

shimtie wrote:Just a basic point. We don't have to construct tests to find out whether someone easily flows into our lives, takes interest in what we're up to, and kind of participates in the give/take of mutual activities.

I've spontaneously asked a gal I was dating if she'd like to join in on a thing or two or three, and eventually felt she looked at it as a buffet where we did what she wanted to do, and she kind of rudely said "no" to whatever didn't interest her or gave an insincere "next time" which never seemed to happen. It became rather off-putting. In the end I guess I wanted it more than she did. You don't want to be just someone's source of entertainment.


How is that not a test?
previously: pleasnpetrichor, perejil

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby xdude » Sat Jul 14, 2018 12:18 pm

pamelaperejil wrote:How is that not a test?


I think this is a fair question.

Us giver/fixer types can be blind too. By not being clear what it is we want/need upfront, by putting our wants second, there is the very real possibility that we are testing too. Will this other person reciprocate?

Whether or not that is uncool, I have no strong opinion. If someone is hoping to meet someone with a similar 'I scratch your back, you scratch mine' approach to life, that's fine. Sort of a extend the first olive branch, and find out if the other has the same belief (after all just asking may not lead to a truthful answer), but yea, it could be a test.
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