Need male and female imput in this one

perejil

In all fairness, I'm sure any number of people would consider me a "red flag".

You have my vote :O)

Shock_the_monkey: I think we are talking about different things. He is able to be himself and ask for help at the same time. Everybody does need help sometimes and friends are expected to help each other mutually. It is better to make clear those things from the very beginning because all relationships between adult people should be equal. I think now their friendship is not equal because he does serve her all the time in many ways.

I agree it probably would be better if he just focus on himself and live his own life but because he obviously can not do that it is better to do something to solve the situation.

Dahlia

OP, I think you were a bit bullied on this thread. It's obvious you're not an idiot or a child. I'm sorry if I treated you that way or if I was callous, condescending, or spoke to hear the sound of my own voice.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

perejil wrote:OP, I think you were a bit bullied on this thread.

I disagree, I think everyone is trying to help him. I can not see any bullying.

Dahlia

It may be I'm overly sensitive, and I didn't mean you, at any rate. I mostly meant me.

Dahliaa wrote:Shock_the_monkey: I think we are talking about different things. He is able to be himself and ask for help at the same time. Everybody does need help sometimes and friends are expected to help each other mutually. It is better to make clear those things from the very beginning because all relationships between adult people should be equal. I think now their friendship is not equal because he does serve her all the time in many ways.

I agree it probably would be better if he just focus on himself and live his own life but because he obviously can not do that it is better to do something to solve the situation.

Dahlia

... the issue here, for me, is him asking for help in order to achieve a hidden agenda ...

Dahliaa wrote:You need to find out if she is willing to invest in your friendship.

... namely finding out if she is willing to invest in his friendship (by which i assume you mean romantically, though that's something of an irrelevance to the argument that i'm going to set out here). to me, that's playing games. to me, anything with a hidden agenda is a game. now, i know that people do this sort of stuff all the time. and i'm even sure that you meant no harm by it. but i'm autistic. i just don't play games. i like to keep things nice and simple. and i have a very good reason for this: it avoids all sorts of confusion. and that's the bottom line of my advice to this poster: be open and honest with both yourself and her and ultimately this situation will become clear to you.

now, i'll tell you a little story. back when i had a relationship, things hadn't been going well for a long time. i'd been feeling used. and, worse than that, i was getting lots of advice from friends telling me to get out. so, i eventually plucked up the courage to ask her if she loved me. initially, she ducked the question. however, i persisted. where upon i got a flats "no". needless to say, i was heartbroken. i'd give the relationship my all. i desperately wanted someone special in my life. and, not surprisingly, the relationship spiralled downwards to its inevitable demise from there. anyway, i've thought long and hard about this over the years. and, whilst i haven't reached a hard conclusion, i think that my asking her if she loved me might have backed her into a corner. i think there might have been something there but she just couldn't admit it for some reason. possibly she was too afraid of the commitment involved. possibly it was the bad relationships that she'd had in the past. i just don't know and i probably never will.

so, perhaps within that context you can see why i'm giving the advice here that i am, namely not to force things in any way.

perejil wrote:OP, I think you were a bit bullied on this thread.

Just to be clear: that wasn't a covert dig at any one poster or other.

I'm a bit all over the place now, so I'm not sure how much weight you should really place on my remarks about bullying.

Very good points guys that's what I'm looking for. I can take constructive criticism and with a grain of salt. I realise this relationship whatever it may or may not be needs some discovery done and i believe with a little time that will play out. I do love her, I love her as a person and respect her as a human. I don't mind doing things for her but I have stopped all the bigger favors. I hope with time she might understand the situation more if she don't know exactly what this is herself. If she blew me off for the next couple years and suddenly called me up for help woth something I'd be there. I'd do that for all my friends. While in some circumstances it may not be a healthy habit I just like for people to know that in a bad situation there is someone they can call. I have a tendency to be that person because of my own fault and nature. In the younger life durning some really back events in my life my friends were the ones who were there for me. I'm the guy who people think of at 2am in the morning when they need a sober chauffeur or car trouble or such. Good or bad some of these people and i don't communicate often but when they are in a tight spot they think of me and know I'll be there. They know I'm reliable.

I think it's awesome you are a good guy. I also think the advice here was/is meant well; that you not get hurt, used, etc.

Ment to post I CAN take constructive criticism in my last post