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Need male and female imput in this one

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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby xdude » Wed Jun 06, 2018 11:11 am

Aj86,

I do hope you at least consider this ...

perejil wrote:She sounds selfish, manipulative, and passive aggressive.


Based on your other thread here - relationship/topic206768.html, and as I wrote there, I also see red-flags.

Please be careful for your own sake. Also it's easy to forget, what happens at the office can rapidly devolve into accusations of inappropriate behavior. Be careful.
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Sun Jun 10, 2018 3:15 am

I appriecate the input. I have backed off drastically on communication with her. Still do some but no where to the level it was. She did call me today while she was on break at work and was worked up over a coworker who has sexually harassed her a few months back was working in her department, unclear why. Anyway something i noticed that she called me and not her bf, seemed odd. Guess her bf isn't very supportive maybe? After a little conversing with me she said she was feeling better and really needed to hear my voice. I calmed her down and told her to go do something else to get away from him and she should be fine.

A little later I had to go in to get a drill bit i needed (fixing my mower) that I didn't have. I asked her to check on something in the store ahead of me getting there. She didn'trespond till I was in the parking lot a while later. She said she sorry she didn't see the text and had gotten busy. I told her it's ok because I was already there. She messaged me back saying to come see her. I was talking to some other coworkers for a bit. Eventually made it up to see her. She gave me a huge hug. Not gonna lie it was nice and it seemed she enjoyed it too. I kept things simple and just asked if she was better. She said she was and I had helped her. She thanked me. I soon left to go back home.

-- Sat Jun 09, 2018 9:20 pm --

xdude wrote:Aj86,

I do hope you at least consider this ...

perejil wrote:She sounds selfish, manipulative, and passive aggressive.


Based on your other thread here - relationship/topic206768.html, and as I wrote there, I also see red-flags.

Please be careful for your own sake. Also it's easy to forget, what happens at the office can rapidly devolve into accusations of inappropriate behavior. Be careful.



I have backed off drastically. I talk to her and act toward her differently now. I am also seeing a therapists (for other reasons besides this) so that I feel is helping as well. While it is tough makikg these changes I am taking everyone's posts in consideration. While I like to have friends I am being cautious.
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby perejil » Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:05 am

Aj86 wrote:I have backed off drastically. I talk to her and act toward her differently now. I am also seeing a therapists (for other reasons besides this) so that I feel is helping as well. While it is tough makikg these changes I am taking everyone's posts in consideration. While I like to have friends I am being cautious.


Good luck to you. I hope I'm wrong about the woman. It may be that she's nothing more than a little selfish. But whether she's deliberately manipulating you or not, she's behaving badly, I think. Some people can cause harm to others without even meaning to. I think you're right to be cautious.
Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.

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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby xdude » Mon Jun 11, 2018 11:22 am

I also am just going on my gut from what bits and pieces you write here, but see even this...

Aj86 wrote:I appriecate the input. I have backed off drastically on communication with her. Still do some but no where to the level it was. She did call me today while she was on break at work and was worked up over a coworker who has sexually harassed her a few months back was working in her department, unclear why.


A good example of how what happens at the office can turn ugly fast. It is a reminder she could come to see you as harassing her too, and it won't matter whether or not you believe you have, if she perceives it that way, then you may lose your job (or worse) over it.

You want to see the best in her, and that's fine, but just keep in mind that nobody who is manipulative warns others in advance. Sucks that we can't simply be trusting, but the onus is on us to protect ourselves.
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:44 pm

We have discussed via text and verbally as of recent that we are good friends. We both have a lot going on in our lives and I believe it is best that way for now, especially with the unknowns of current. I am a little confused of why she call or reached out to me rather her bf with the issue at work. I mean I'm glad she reached out to someone to talk about it because holding stuff like that in isn't healthy. My guess is because i have been there a while and know most of the ins and outs of things. She was clearly upset the last two days especially yesterday she was in tears. I went and picked her up on her break and we drove around and i let her vent and get all the stuff off her chest. The guy who has be doing the bad stuff really is a bad person. He has a past history with it. I told told her I'm happy to help if needed. I honestly don't feel like she gets much support at home from her bf but I'm choosing to stay out of that unless she needs to talk to someome about it. I'm happy to help anyone in need but I try not to get too involved in their problems unless warrent.
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby perejil » Mon Jun 11, 2018 5:13 pm

Aj86 wrote:We have discussed via text and verbally as of recent that we are good friends. We both have a lot going on in our lives and I believe it is best that way for now, especially with the unknowns of current. I am a little confused of why she call or reached out to me rather her bf with the issue at work. I mean I'm glad she reached out to someone to talk about it because holding stuff like that in isn't healthy. My guess is because i have been there a while and know most of the ins and outs of things. She was clearly upset the last two days especially yesterday she was in tears.

She seems to be in tears a lot.

I went and picked her up on her break and we drove around and i let her vent and get all the stuff off her chest. The guy who has be doing the bad stuff really is a bad person. He has a past history with it...

Stop there. Look, if you want this person in your life, it's your business, but this girl is one red flag after another. I'll say for the last time, you should run not walk. There is no good reason for a woman to ever act this way.

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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby shock_the_monkey » Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:45 pm

i just plain think that you're over-investing in and over-analysing this situation. in other words, i don't think it's her. i think it's you. i think you're wanting too much and playing too hard to get it, and then when you don't you're left wondering why.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby realityhere » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:36 pm

I'm a woman, and this is just my 2 cents' worth.

She is playing the damsel-in-distress role to the hilt. She's played tears over an ex-bf and over a couple of ppl at work who are either harassing or giving her a bad time. Looks like a pattern with her and gosh, only in three months' time?

Odds are, the stories she's telling may not be what they seem. The ex-bf and the harassers at work probably have a different story. She blames others, but doesn't account for her own behavior.

Such a woman attracts the white knight who saves her from herself. Problem is, at some point she'll devalue and blame the white knight for all her problems. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I'd keep your distance, she spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e.
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby Aj86 » Mon Jun 11, 2018 9:51 pm

Thank you for the input guys (and gals). It is much appriecated. I do believe I am trying too hard and I see that now. I believe her on the sexual harassment stuff because the guy has done stuff to three other women prior. It is to my understanding he has been written up several times now and working towards the process of termination.

Now you all might be write about the bf deal. I don't know alot about it and we haven't had hardly any conversations involving him. I don't pry because I don't feel its my business. I am distancing myself from her drastically. I'll still help her at work (part of my job anyway) and still text, call, whatever but I'm making myself start to not try so hard. That part is my fault and I know it. I like to help people too much. I am finding out from resent trips to my therapist (doing therapy for other non-related things) that my process and habits stem from earlier in life. All this time I had no idea but its all starting to make sence. I am currently trying to fix many of those issues and focus on stuff for my own well being. I do plan to remain her friend however I'm gonna put a wide space between us for both our sake.
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Re: Need male and female imput in this one

Postby avatar123 » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:26 pm

Just please keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship work. Even a person as resourceful & helpful & motivated as you obviously are, can't do it alone.

When you really like someone, the relationship becomes very important to you, and it can be hard to create and/or leave space for the other person to reciprocate. It's also a bit devastating if they don't. But you have to let that play out naturally, in order to learn the truth about the other person, and whether there is potential for a healthy relationship.

Sometimes with a person as willing to help as yourself, the other person may take advantage, maybe without realizing or intending that as the outcome. So again leaving them space to reciprocate willingly and voluntarily, without a sense of obligation, is the key. That's how you'll know for sure how they feel.

If they don't reciprocate, then the relationship is, and would likely always be, unbalanced and not really fair to you. Most of us are willing to put up with a lot from someone we care about, but you shouldn't really have to do that, and it doesn't really work in the long term. You deserve someone who is as motivated and committed as you. That's what will make things work.
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