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Biggest regret of my life

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Biggest regret of my life

Postby Kaden95 » Tue May 15, 2018 9:28 pm

I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I’ll start from the very beginning even before the relationship. I grew up with a neglectiful, abusive, unurturing and drug addict/ alcoholic mother. My childhood is pretty much blank but at 12 years old my brother who is 8 years older had to come and take my other brother who is 6 years older then us away. We moved in with my grandparents which wasn’t a very nurturing environment. My brother who I grew up with (6 years older) left quickly to join the navy. So I lost my mother and my brother at 12. My father I never lived with. He left when I was a baby but he lived in the next town over and we had some contact but our relationship was very hateful and toxic. He is a bipolar alcoholic. Eventually my sophomore year of high school comes along and I come out as female to male transgender. That made everything worse with my grandparents and eventually led to me being kicked out. I lived with my aunt who is also bipolar and does meth and graduated high school under her roof(just did my senior year there) then I went and stayed with my friend for a bit until he left to boot camp. I found another place to live with my friend and her parents. They gave me the stability I needed. During this all time of living with them I became less angry and was able to live my life as who I truly was. I worked a part time job, paid rent and tried to go to school but eventually I became stagnant. I while there in August I meant someone online. His name was Vincent. Before Vincent I was never affectionate or cared about relationships or anything intimate. I lived in California he lived in Ohio. For some reason he dropped my walls (just from only text and Skype). He made me happy and motivated to live life. I started to care. We started dating in August and made plans for him to come visit me in October. Well i eventually got a one month notice from the family I was living with. Vincent offered for me to come live with him, offered to help me become successful. I am not the type of person I must stress to just up and leave for just any person, but every thing in my heart and soul told me to go so I did. Vincent was 28. I was 22. Things were great and we bonded and fell deeply in love. Our problems rose from the fact that I was not as independent as him and h had to teach me a lot and it took a toll on him because he began to feel like he was finishing raising me. On top of that, I had some emotional and abandonment issues. I was needing him to constantly reassure me that he loved me. But as these issues were happening it drove a hole between us and I didn’t receive the affection I got in the beginning so because of this it made it harder for me emotionally. We had sex every couple of days though, but there was no hand holding or cuddling. He would kiss me goodbye and stuff but that’s all. Things were getting better I thought. I was handling my emotions better and trusting him more and developing my independence a bit more. He kept telling my pace didn’t matter as long as there was results but it did take its toll on him emotionally. He was too worried about my needs then his own. One day he told me he was playing with the idea of me getting my own apartment, that he would help me and that it would be good for both of us because I can learn to find myself and be independent on my own. He said it wasn’t anything that was solid and it wasn’t going to happen any time soon and that we would still be together. I understood his reasoning logically but emotionally I freaked out and panicked. I really don’t know what happened. In one night I made the decision to leave. I left *mod edit* to live with my brother. Vincent took me to security and I told him he could leave me here. We didn’t hug. I immediately regretted it and called him but he didn’t answer. I ran after him but couldn’t reach him in time. He ended up calling back and I told him I needed to hug him before I left. He said he was still here but I was already going through security. At my gate he called me and said he was there. He came back from his car went through security and came to my gate to hug me and tell me he loved me and that we would see each other again. Now I’ve been here for 5 days and every day is worse. I wish I hadn’t done this. I don’t understand what happened or why I freaked out like I did. He didn’t want me to leave but I felt like it was the best thing for him. But now he feels abandoned and I hate myself for it. I just need some guidance. I need someone to help me understand my actions because I can’t. Did I have some sort of manic moment?
Last edited by shock_the_monkey on Tue May 15, 2018 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: removed location.
Kaden95
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Re: Biggest regret of my life

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue May 15, 2018 9:49 pm

that sounds like a fairly classic flight response to me. your anxiety got the better of you and you panicked and ran.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Re: Biggest regret of my life

Postby Kaden95 » Tue May 15, 2018 10:03 pm

Thank you for the response. And my ex and I were taking. He asked if I was bipolar and said I think so and he thinks I’m just leaving a manic period in my mood swing. I asked him if he said does this mean I have no chance with you and he said “No but your dedication to balance and stability will determine my willingness to stay with you. I won't dedicate my life to someone who is okay with being out of control” i feel horrible...and part of me thinks he may be saying this just for my benefit. I know there isn’t really enough information to truly get an understanding but do you think he’s telling the truth?
Kaden95
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Re: Biggest regret of my life

Postby shock_the_monkey » Tue May 15, 2018 11:48 pm

Kaden95 wrote:Thank you for the response. And my ex and I were taking. He asked if I was bipolar and said I think so and he thinks I’m just leaving a manic period in my mood swing. I asked him if he said does this mean I have no chance with you and he said “No but your dedication to balance and stability will determine my willingness to stay with you. I won't dedicate my life to someone who is okay with being out of control”

... this isn't about you being bipolar. this is about him appearing to want to easy you out of his life. that's why you got anxious, panicked, and ran. for him to blame this on you being bipolar is for him to fundamentally fail to understand what he did. and i, candidly, don't believe that.

Kaden95 wrote:i feel horrible...and part of me thinks he may be saying this just for my benefit. I know there isn’t really enough information to truly get an understanding but do you think he’s telling the truth?

... i think he's saying he only want you if you can get your bipolar disorder under control. and, of course, that's not entirely within your gift. mental illness doesn't work like that. as such, he's giving himself an out here, as he was before. so, no, i don't think he's being entirely honest with you, in as much as he's putting the blame on you when he's making all the choices.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Posts: 4906
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:42 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


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