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"It'll happen when you least expect it."

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"It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby Markness » Sun Feb 25, 2018 7:49 am

I am sometimes told this when I tell others I want a girlfriend but haven't been able to get one. Just what do people mean when they make that statement? It just doesn't make sense to me, especially since men are commonly expected to make the first move while women generally can just wait. I am almost 30 and I feel like my time is either running out or maybe it ran out and whatever hope I get is just false hope. I suffer from extreme loneliness and it gets worse the older I get. :cry:
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby ImWeird » Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:50 am

So you're just waiting for a girlfriend to drop out of the sky? Is that working for the other parts of your life? (money/job/friends) That rarely happens, not even in girls (exclude the hot ones).
I know a girl that is not hot (she is a decent 5 on a scale of 10) and she constantly whines about not being able to find a man to settle with (she is 25). What she can't realize is that the guy she is looking for is not gonna just magically appear in her bedroom one night, she has to get out of her comfort zone and try searching for him. She needs to break her routine (work/uni-gym-home), meet new people and socialize in general.She also needs to show some signs when she is into someone (which she DOESNT do cuz she is too shy) so the guy can approach her, because like i said, she isn't hot, just decent looking. You see, that happens to both men and women.

I also think you misunderstood this phrase. It doesn't mean that you should stand and do nothing, take action, do stuff, try things and hobbies, meet people. That's when it's gonna happen. You also need to take your mind off of it because it makes you look desperate for women's approval and love and will just drive them away. Just be yourself, approach them like they don't matter to you, don't act like your inferior to them, flirt with them and be witty. I've also noticed that if you "disregard" them just a little bit (be careful not to cross the line and disrespect them) you gain their attention and then they are the ones trying to get to know you. Atleast that happens to me quite often.

I've seen it on myself (i'm 23 btw), all the girls that i've dated came from university/gym and some of them were friends of a friend of a friend. Never have i ever dated a girl that i met at a club or randomly on the street. Im not saying its a bad thing, its just not MY thing. I have friends that act better outside, meeting random girls, but that's not how it works for me. I can be good at hanging out with people and winning them over but only after i've met them/went out with them for a few times.You can say that im kind of lucky too because some of them actually asked me out.Also, try finding your weak points/mistakes or have a good friend of yours point them out for you so you can fix them and improve. 2 years ago i didn't have the balls to ask a girl out or express myself, but ive noticed that because of it, i was losing things that i would have taken pleasure in doing (like teasing people -especially girls- in a good way, be myself and more relaxed, not caring about what others might think or say).It was until i messed up with a hot girl that was into me because i was such a chicken and a good friend of mine told me what he believed that i was doing wrong. And he was right.
Try asking yourself "why would a girl date ME?". What qualities do you have to offer that can make you unique in some person's mind (im sure u got plenty) and so she would be with you? Acknowledge your strong points and project them, be yourself but also find out your weaknesses and try improving them. I know its difficult, i still have a long way to go but i have made progress in some weak areas of mine i believe.

I hope i helped a bit :)
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby EluBelRaTemHarihara » Wed Feb 28, 2018 12:35 pm

I think part of the purport of that phrase is that when you are ready and have resolved any issues, like codependency, insecurity, low self-esteem, etc., that it is then that you will be able to see clearly enough to connect with someone genuinely good for you in the long-term. Many women can be very alluring but they are heavily disordered, undiagnosed, and won't ever change, for example, and those women tend to lure in codependents (often part of their mask involves claiming they're not interested in anyone codependent, but that's largely so reduce their guilt, that's exactly what they need); in those cases the allure and charm is fake. It's woven into the fibres of their beings so tightly that they think it's real, but it's all been developed to lure in men like prey. Those women aren't able to keep a confident and self-aware man who isn't codependent for long. They need someone who needs/wants to fix them. A guy who has decided that his partner must own herself and be the engineer of her own destiny won't be malleable to them. Similarly there are abusive women (or men, obviously, I'm just referring to women in this context for obvious reasons) who are attractive to people with guilt complexes themselves, as being abused or mistreated reduces one's personal guilt because they are able to then posit themselves as the victims, for a change. Again, once those people resolve their guilt or self worth issues they won't tolerate predators for long once the mask comes off. Thus, to simplify and summarise, I believe we are best able to see a romantic partner as they really are once we see ourselves as we really are, and until then we are prone to attracting people who aren't good for us, and who may not even be particularly good for anyone (as in not capable of maintaining a healthy relationship and/or caring for another person in a healthy way). The answer, then, my friend, is to work on, get to know, and fall in love with yourself first and foremost, then all the rest happens.
Much love.
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby xdude » Thu Mar 01, 2018 2:46 pm

Hey Markness,

Yea, well it just means that for some people find a relationship when they are in a mental/emotional state that they are not looking for one.

Sometimes we people are just looking for others who match our image of what we want, where sexual attraction is a big factor, but it's not the only factor, and to EluBelRaTemHarihara's point... if you are attracted to 'alluring' women, I agree, you may be looking for a relationship that is ultimately going to disappoint you. I don't need mean to be hurtful with that comment, because it happens in reverse too. Some women are attracted to 'charming', high levels of 'bravado' males, they are going to be disappointed in too.

For whatever it's worth Markness, when we are younger we tend to make relationship choices based on our hormones, lack of experiences with relationships, and images of an ideal partner we grew up with. Later in life, hopefully, we weigh our choices based more on common core human values, and less on the first 'impressions' that seemed important when we were younger.
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby Markness » Mon Mar 05, 2018 11:15 pm

I am not aiming for the "hot" types of women. They often already have boyfriends or marry early but even if they are single, a lot of guys will be after them and the deck is already stacked against me because I am neither a "pretty boy" or "bad boy". I would be happy with a reserved nerdy or geeky girl or even a gothic girl but they are in the extreme minority where I live, I don't ever encounter them outside of my job, and even they tend to already have boyfriends. This discourages me even more. :(
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby Markness » Wed Mar 07, 2018 9:51 pm

I suppose I can see if my 30's will be better but past that, I don't want to live single anymore.
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby Markness » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:27 pm

I just don't understand how not looking for a relationship will make it happen. I am about to hit 30 and from what I am seeing, people my age are generally already in a long term relationship, married, or are engaged so the pool seems to be getting smaller and smaller. I fell so far behind but I can't catch up because my mind refuses to undergo neuroplasicity. :( I am perpetually stuck in a vicious cycle.
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby Jellybeanery » Fri Mar 09, 2018 10:59 pm

Hello, Markness.

OK so what it basically means is what others have said- when you are not looking, it will happen.

I have had friends in this situation (who were older than you are now) and I always tell them to take this time to work on themselves. If you spend all your time feeling lonely and wanting a relationship, etc., you're going to be miserable, and that is going to show on the outside. Things like not have having confidence; people will pick up on that, and it's not an attractive quality.

My boyfriend never had a girlfriend before me, and he was 36 when we met. My best friend didn't have a girlfriend until he was 33. I had an online friend a few years back who was 31 at the time and never had a girlfriend. With him though, his feelings of loneliness turned into hatred, and I can assure you he is still single with an attitude like that.

Yes, you are getting older, but you are not old. 30 is not old. You have a full life ahead of you full of possibilities.
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby Markness » Sat Mar 10, 2018 1:14 am

But how will someone come into my life? Women generally don't make the first move. Men are commonly expected to do so and it puts a lot of pressure on me. Even feminists wait on men and still want free drinks as well as dinners. I don't think either gender is entitled to free things.
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Re: "It'll happen when you least expect it."

Postby Jellybeanery » Sun Mar 11, 2018 6:53 am

Well, times have changed. I made the first move on my boyfriend! And the last few relationships I've been in, we would split the bill when we went out. Or, "I pay this week, you pay next week". I think it should be 50/50.

You could meet anyone, at any time, under various circumstances. Whether it be a friend of a friend, a friend of a family member, or just someone you run into a lot while out.

I'll tell you a little about my current relationship. Like I mentioned above, my boyfriend was 36 when we met and he had never had a girlfriend before. I met him in a rather strange way- he is the cousin of an old high school friend of mine I hadn't seen in 10 years. It was a complete chance meeting. I was single and quite the recluse for 2 years prior to meeting him. After a few months, we started dating, and we are still together (about 3 years now).

Like I mentioned about your feelings being visible on the outside; there is a lot of truth to that. People pick up on the vibe you give off. With my boyfriend, I had no idea he had never been with a girl. He was very confident, very fun to be around, he was himself. And that's the best way to meet people. To be yourself, and be confident with yourself.

I obviously don't know you personally, so I'm not saying you are doing these things. But if a person is so low about not having a bf/gf, and they start to lose confidence, and are just all around miserable, that person might come off as awkward, fumbling, or even desperate when meeting someone they would like to get to know. That person would likely not want to get to know that person. That's why I always say to take this time to work on yourself. Not that there is anything wrong with you! But I mean, whether it just be learning to love yourself, and get some confidence back. Everyone should do these things, really. Happiness comes from within, and you have to love yourself first. Easier said than done, I know.

I hope this reply makes some sense. I'm a bit tired. I also hope it helps, even if just a tiny bit.
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