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Difficulties with my Mother *long*

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Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby lonelydaydream » Sat Feb 03, 2018 12:47 am

Hello, all. I really wasn't sure where to post this, so if this is the wrong forum, I apologise.

I've always had difficulties in my relationship with my Mum - she has certain narcissistic and histrionic tendencies, and we are very enmeshed. She either ignores me or engulfs me. My having been ill for so long doesn't help, as I haven't had the energy to fight back and have been very dependent on her and my step-dad (who basically behaves like the poster child for NPD). I have a place of my own that I've lived in for years. I've been on my own for 4 years since my lovely husband passed away.

Anyway, Mum's controlling behaviour really escalated today and I'm scared of what will become of our relationship. Yet I am scared to stand up to her.

She phoned yesterday to say she was coming over today to "sort out my jumpers" (that's sweaters to USA chums!) Now I admit I've got a lot of jumpers, most of which have been given to me by my very kind friend who loves to pass clothes onto me. And they really are lovely, but yes, I've got too many now - jumpers in the wardrobe, under the bed, in my chest of drawers - you get the idea!

NMum was in a bad mood when she arrived (she'd had to go into town but couldn't cope with it, so left early). We started on the jumpers. You would think it was the end of the world. She was in despair over my jumpers. I've "got far too many of them", "too many clothes in general - we must go through all my wardrobes", my clothes are "very old-fashioned and didn't suit me", "why so much grey - it does nothing for you!" and (off the subject of jumpers) I've apparently got far too many teaspoons - she makes do with 6 teaspoons, why can't I?

She also took exception to my books "Do you really read them all?" "I'm working through them," was may reply, to which she said, "Oh yeah?" "I'm not getting rid of my books Mum!"

She also took exception - God knows why - to the keys hanging up in my hallway! "Why have you got so many keys? What are they all for?"

She was so edgy, so jumpy, as if it was the end of the world that I eventually snapped, "Calm down, mum, it's just jumpers - no-one has died!"

I got rid of about 10 or so jumpers, which pleased her greatly, and yes, I've got more room now, to be fair, but God knows how she would have reacted if I'd refused to part with any.

Some months ago, when I was recuperating from my last operation, Mum said to me that if I didn't let her "help me" as she saw fit, and didn't take her advice about "helping me", she would wash her hands of me. I was too poorly to argue but when I told my friend she was shocked.

Mum's gone home now, and I feel done in - my head is banging and I feel really jittery. It's like she drained me, basically.

I hope I don't sound really ungrateful, it's just I feel that my jumpers could have been sorted out without the histrionics... I am not a complete failure as a human being because I've got loads of jumpers! Blah. Then again, this may all be normal and I'm the one with the problem - I'm really not sure anymore! I have no idea what "normal conflict" looks like!

I've been feeling shaky all day. In the evening she sent me two slightly bizarre emails telling me that we're going to "sort out my t shirts next". She sent them knowing I was out for the evening, which was weird!

My friend thinks my Mum is having a breakdown & that I need to contact her GP. She says that as I get better (and I have been doing better lately, making more decisions, being more positive etc), Mum will only get worse!

I'll stop there as this is far too long already! Thanks for reading, if you managed to get this far lol!

Here is the picture of my terrible wardrobe which sent Mum into such despair: https://imgur.com/sC2ejpA
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." Mother Juliana of Norwich, 15th century.
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby lonelydaydream » Sun Feb 04, 2018 2:12 pm

Sigh. I know I'm probably really boring but it's hurtful when my posts continually get no response. I don't think this is the forum for me, and I find myself continually checking to see if I've got a response, which I invariably haven't, so I think it's best I bow out. I do wish everyone here well in their search for health and wholeness.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." Mother Juliana of Norwich, 15th century.
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby xdude » Sun Feb 04, 2018 2:37 pm

Hey lonelydaydream,

So my experience is that people may respond to posts if there is something they can relate to, or the really important part, if the post culminates in a question, or questions.

There is actually a kindness at play, because when a post doesn't end with question(s), other's are often left lost as to what is wanted. If they don't know what is wanted, then it can be kind to avoid responding, or to accidentally trigger someone they don't know.
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Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby Holodeck » Sun Feb 04, 2018 4:47 pm

lonelydaydream wrote:I've always had difficulties in my relationship with my Mum - she has certain narcissistic and histrionic tendencies, and we are very enmeshed. She either ignores me or engulfs me.


Mine who is both does this. It's either she wants to use you for attention or ignores becase she doesn't feel she needs it.

Anyway, Mum's controlling behaviour really escalated today and I'm scared of what will become of our relationship. Yet I am scared to stand up to her.


Mine's completely out there. I get it. I moved out of state. Didn't feel it was worth being around her and her abusive drama anymore. If you can I suggest you do the same. If possible like I did where it's some place she'll never move. I haven't seen mine in person since early 2014. It's been heaven.

She phoned yesterday to say she was coming over today to "sort out my jumpers" (that's sweaters to USA chums!) Now I admit I've got a lot of jumpers, most of which have been given to me by my very kind friend who loves to pass clothes onto me. And they really are lovely, but yes, I've got too many now - jumpers in the wardrobe, under the bed, in my chest of drawers - you get the idea!

NMum was in a bad mood when she arrived (she'd had to go into town but couldn't cope with it, so left early). We started on the jumpers. You would think it was the end of the world. She was in despair over my jumpers. I've "got far too many of them", "too many clothes in general - we must go through all my wardrobes", my clothes are "very old-fashioned and didn't suit me", "why so much grey - it does nothing for you!"


"Mum my jumpers and all the clothes you hate caught fire, but thankfully a few were spared and a bag of clothing was left on my doorstep. They all fit"

and (off the subject of jumpers) I've apparently got far too many teaspoons - she makes do with 6 teaspoons, why can't I?


"All but one melted in the fire mum."

She also took exception to my books "Do you really read them all?" "I'm working through them," was may reply, to which she said, "Oh yeah?" "I'm not getting rid of my books Mum!"


"I got amnesia and MUST read every one of them again. I just so happen to conveniently remember you."

She also took exception - God knows why - to the keys hanging up in my hallway! "Why have you got so many keys? What are they all for?"


"They melted into a master key during the fire. They have the power to unlock EVERYTHING!"

Some months ago, when I was recuperating from my last operation, Mum said to me that if I didn't let her "help me" as she saw fit, and didn't take her advice about "helping me", she would wash her hands of me. I was too poorly to argue but when I told my friend she was shocked.


Tell her you're moving, and need a hug. After lock eyes and wash your hands in front of her.

I hope I don't sound really ungrateful


You, but she wants you to. Also she's the ungrateful one.

I have no idea what "normal conflict" looks like!


Not this.

In the evening she sent me two slightly bizarre emails telling me that we're going to "sort out my t shirts next". She sent them knowing I was out for the evening, which was weird!


My mom once sent me two emails when she knew I was out, and filed a missing person's report when I didn't respond after two hours.

Here is the picture of my terrible wardrobe which sent Mum into such despair: https://imgur.com/sC2ejpA


I think you should start a go fund me for a bigger closet with more jumpers. I'll tribute towards it if you do. ^.^
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby anotherfinemess » Sun Feb 04, 2018 11:18 pm

Hi, Holodeck - it's lonelydaydream here. I had to create another account. I feel very embarrassed about my behaviour but I've had an awful few days. To be honest what happened with my Mother traumatised me a bit, and I've been getting memories of various abuses coming thick and fast. Also, someone I was chatting to on Reddit about this blocked me - I guess it all got too much for them. Consequently I felt very alone and upset.

Anyway, thanks so much for replying to my long post. Your replies are so funny! I'm so sorry you've had problems with your Mum too!

Hopefully over the next few days I will calm down & normal service will be resumed.
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby jennasto » Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:08 pm

^ Glad to see you didn't vanish completely from this forum!

Trying to send positive energy there. Take good care of yourself and remember to pamper yourself! :) and to you Holodeck as well.
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby anotherfinemess » Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:29 pm

jennasto wrote:^ Glad to see you didn't vanish completely from this forum!

Trying to send positive energy there. Take good care of yourself and remember to pamper yourself! :) and to you Holodeck as well.


Hi jennasto! Thanks - I was a bit of a twit for which I apologise! I'd had a bit of a traumatic time (which isn't really over as Mother is coming up tomorrow with my NPD step-dad to "do a few jobs" - save me!!)

I will try and be less of a drama queen!
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby Holodeck » Tue Feb 06, 2018 11:40 pm

*hugs to both of you <3

Jenasto is right. For right now you should try to relax. Pamper yourself. Watch a movie... and don't answer your mom's calls. :P
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby anotherfinemess » Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:35 am

Holodeck wrote:*hugs to both of you <3

Jenasto is right. For right now you should try to relax. Pamper yourself. Watch a movie... and don't answer your mom's calls. :P


Thanks Holodeck! I was really worried that today would turn into another day like the Great Jumper Scandal, as I was having a bed delivered & Mum was coming over to give me a hand (which I did need!) The bed was being delivered between 12.30-4 pm. Yesterday afternoon Mother rings up to announce that she's coming over with my Nstep-dad in tow at 11 am - complete with a packed lunch! "But you'll be hanging around for hours!", I squeaked. "No problem," said the Wild Rampaging Mother-Beast. "Your Dad & I have got lots of jobs we can do at your place!" Aarrgh....

I couldn't put them off completely as I really did need help with the bed, so I decided the best thing I could do was take control by at least deciding which jobs I wanted done - not just sit back & give them free rein. Which is what I did and mostly it worked, although even when they're being fairly OK, Mother & step-dad can wear me out pretty quickly. In the end, I said I was tired and could they go now, please - I would ring them when the bed got here. And they went! They did come back though. They're just so... over-powering. Mum said that all they wanted was to get my place straight "for me". I get that, but they've got no sense of boundaries - I caught step-dad looking through my filing cabinet at old bank statements, just to "make sure I wasn't hoarding them". That is not cool!

I'm rying to minimise the enmeshment by building more of a life for myself and not involving them in it unless I really have to! Mum phones me every single day which I feel is a bit much, even if she is concerned about me. I feel like I have to inform her of everywhere I go. Trouble is, without me to "care for", she's got nothing much in her life apart from my NPD-poster-child step-dad who is hell to live with, so she's hyperfocussed on me! I tried to explain to Mum that whilst I really appreciated her help, I did need more autonomy, but she just looked confused...

Apologies for the long post! At least today didn't go as badly as it could have done!

-- Thu Feb 08, 2018 12:37 am --

xdude wrote:Hey lonelydaydream,

So my experience is that people may respond to posts if there is something they can relate to, or the really important part, if the post culminates in a question, or questions.

There is actually a kindness at play, because when a post doesn't end with question(s), other's are often left lost as to what is wanted. If they don't know what is wanted, then it can be kind to avoid responding, or to accidentally trigger someone they don't know.


Thanks! I am actually lonelydaydream. I apologise for behaving like an eejit. Mental health problems - gah! I do appreciate that it was a very long post which might have left some people unsure how to respond. I'm OK - equilibrium has been restored (at least for now!)
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Re: Difficulties with my Mother *long*

Postby Holodeck » Thu Feb 08, 2018 2:31 am

Uuuugh the every day calls. I don't miss those. Yeah if you can't move maybe try to get her a hobby...or pretend you have one that you have to disappear off to for hours every once in the while.

My mom is a writer, so she has these writers group things she goes to where she feeds off attention she gets through public speaking, and feeds more by telling each and every individual to their face that she's actually shy after she's done with reading her work. If your mom has a passion, maybe try to find something like that. Be sure to schedule your hobby to be the same time slot though. You won't want her dragging you along.
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