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I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

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I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby ImWeird » Sat Jan 27, 2018 1:24 pm

Hello, it's been a while since i've posted here. It's a nice place to ask questions because a lot of people could help.Well, here's the story. (LONG post incoming but i think its worth a read, will be like reading a book)

In September i met a girl through friends and i liked her but i didn't make any move cuz her friend told me she has a boyfriend, so i backed off. Later in November she asked me out (after she had vanished for 2 months) and we went out, still, she had a boyfriend so i didn't make any moves, just hugged her during the show we were watching.So, during December we started talking more often and VIA messenger calls, until one night, one thing lead to another and started having phone sex.
The next day we met with our friends and when they left, i grabbed her and kissed her. She really like it but she asked me to have a coffee (just the 2 of us) so she can tell me some things.So, we did.

She told me that she still has that other guy in her life (she is 22, i am 24 and he is 50 or so i've heard :? ) and she can't just cut him off her life like this cuz he had been there for her in difficult times and he supported her a lot (i believe that he is helping her and her family financially or idk what else to think). She also told me that she had cheated on her ex boyfriend and she wanted to become a better person by not playing me and the other guy and that since her father's death (almost 2 years ago) she started liking older guys, like really older. I appreciated the honesty and i told her that i like her a lot and i wanna be with her but she would have to choose, me or him. After that she told me that she will tell him and she needs time, i said ok and we started making out. She invited me to her place but i couldn't go, i really had to leave because i had to pick my little sister up from her friend's house which is far away and she was waiting for me, so i told her that even though i really wanna go to her place i couldn't at that time and that we would have another opportunity, she said ok, we kissed some more and i left.The next morning, she texted me on messenger that she tried to tell him and she can't, then blocked me. I was stunned by this, all of my hopes and thoughts i had with this girl collapsed in one moment and i was devastated. My ego was broken because she chose him over me. After a week of trying to get myself together, she called me and wished me good luck with some exams i had the next day, i was really glad to hear her voice, we spoke for 2 hours and then she unblocked me and we started messaging each other again.

The next day she told me that she would try her best to act as a friend when she is around me and contain herself (even though its pretty hard cause she gets super "excited" when im near her) and that i should do the same. At the time i was okay with that, we went out (with 2 more of our friends) and we were trying to act cool, but it was pretty hard, every night i would feel broken cause i couldnt be with her.Some weeks later, we were still chatting every day till night on facebook, she initiated sexting and phone sex again, so i fell in this loop again but in the end she told me 2 things: "Be patient, someday all of this will be over, i promise". I asked her "what are u talking about" and she said "dont mind me, just mumbling things".And the other thing she said was "I believe that some day (could be months or years idk) i will make you mine, you WILL be mine!" I told her that days and moments pass and they cannot come back, maybe its too late someday and she said "okay but we cant pressure this thing" The next day she was cold and distant and since then we've stopped talking to each other on facebook.I messaged her but her replies were short and not like they were before, just in a group chat we have with the 2 other friends of ours where she is trying to say things "against me" every time so i get mad or she is trying to make fun of me (only me) and tease me but i dont pay attention.

Well, the thing is, my mind is consumed by thoughts for her, i have lost myself and i cannot be happy for more than 2-3 hours a day or focus on things. I cannot attend classes because all i can think of is her, my mind is travelling, i am obsessed and i dont know how to stop it. Every morning i wake up is difficult to get out of bed because i cant have her. There are other girls that want to be with me but i cant do anything because all i can think of is her, damn mind. She also told me that if i had came earlier in her life things would be much different and that we lost some time, that hit me hard too, i cried the whole night.I know that this girl is probably not right for me but she brings out so many things of me and the chemistry we have is on another level. She has everything i look for in a girl (well some negative things aswell) and when im around her the things i feel are stronger than every other girl has ever made me feel. What do you guys suggest for me? I am trying to back off and keep distance from her so i can move on but i feel like i cant do that because i have no actual closure. I feel trapped! :(
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby Holodeck » Sat Jan 27, 2018 2:56 pm

ImWeird wrote:She told me that she still has that other guy in her life (she is 22, i am 24 and he is 50 or so i've heard :? ) and she can't just cut him off her life like this cuz he had been there for her in difficult times and he supported her a lot


Sound off the red flag alarms!

She also told me that she had cheated on her ex boyfriend and she wanted to become a better person by not playing me and the other guy


What a nice person for totally not playing behind one another's back. :roll: Gee father died too. Hmm wonder if she started having daddy issues that made her feel dependent towards older dudes soon after.

and that since her father's death (almost 2 years ago) she started liking older guys, like really older.


Ding ding ding!

After that she told me that she will tell him and she needs time, i said ok and we started making out.


C'mon! Oh right you're in your early 20's. Why is it that people in their 20's do dumb stuff like "Oh you're cheating on me? Well gee if you're really gonna talk to him and work it out...ok let's bone!"

The next morning, she texted me on messenger that she tried to tell him and she can't, then blocked me.


Aww how sweet of him doing something that melted her cold heart and made her want to stick with him for a day or two longer. I wonder how expensive the it was.

we spoke for 2 hours and then she unblocked me and we started messaging each other again.
The next day she told me that she would try her best to act as a friend when she is around me and contain herself (even though its pretty hard cause she gets super "excited" when im near her) and that i should do the same.


Seems like he screwed up, and she needs you as a backup plan again. Still she doesn't want to tell him. Wouldn't it be great if he just caught you guys making out and left her? I mean yeah sure it'd rip his heart out, but I mean it's his fault for dating a girl in her 20's and totally not her's for emotionally catfishing you. Honestly it's both, but meh why keep score?

but in the end she told me 2 things:[i] "Be patient, someday all of this will be over, i promise". I asked her "what are u talking about" and she said "dont mind me, just mumbling things".And the other thing she said was "I believe that some day (could be months or years idk) i will make you mine, you WILL be mine!"


She wants to leave him, doesn't want it to be her fault. The translation of this is "Give me time to find something he does that I think is unforgivable. That or he'll catch me and I'll have no one but you! Then we can live together. It'll be you, me and another dude I'm stringing along for just in case!"

I messaged her but her replies were short and not like they were before, just in a group chat we have with the 2 other friends of ours where she is trying to say things "against me" every time so i get mad or she is trying to make fun of me (only me) and tease me but i dont pay attention.


The other guy did something she really really liked, and now she's trying to get you to leave her.

She also told me that if i had came earlier in her life things would be much different and that we lost some time


Ew.

What do you guys suggest for me? I am trying to back off and keep distance from her so i can move on but i feel like i cant do that because i have no actual closure. I feel trapped! :(


Dump the hell out of her. Ghost her. She's a POS, and she'll do it to you like him IF you even get together at all.
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby Sixoclock0 » Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:10 pm

Having been involved with such myself, why did you get involved in the first place if you knew what the status was?

Nothing good can come out of it.

"Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge"
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby ImWeird » Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:55 pm

First of, thank you very much for your replies guys, it's already helping and appreciated.
Well, to be honest, i've always been good on "not getting too close with the wrong people/girls" but this case just made me drop my defenses and clouded my head for some reason, i guess cuz i really like(d) her and i hoped for some "miracle" ??? Or im just too needy to find some girl i can settle with during this time. After all, i believe that there is always hope for everyone and people can change, depending on the situation they're in.I also know that seeing my situation as a third person is clearer and i might not be able to comprehend some things (yet) cuz im in the middle of it.

I was also thinking of not severing ties with her completely incase i want her as a booty call, but i dont know if that will turn out to be okay (for me). We still hang out as friends sometimes for coffee (me, her, her female friend and my male friend) but that's it. Her "boyfriend" doesn't want her to be alone with me and he's jealous of me, so i guess she told him things about me. That's what her friend (the girl i mentioned above) told me a week ago.
Also, when we talked and i asked her if she has a relationship with the dude she said "no, not exactly", then she asked me "where do u see this going with us?" and i told her that i like her a lot and id like to be with her but she shouldnt make plans so far ahead and just live every day as it comes. She also knows that i am getting bored of girls quickly when i have them (thats true in 90% of my previous relationships) and perhaps thats why she is too afraid to leave the other guy and leap to me (?) But the thing is that if someone wants to be with you, he will be, the rest is BS excuses.
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby Desesperado » Sat Jan 27, 2018 5:28 pm

I've had a friend in such triangle, he like you had huge chemistry and found lots of excuses for her, eventually she dumped him 3 times... Which I told him on many occasions, it won't work you'll get burned !

You're only 24, chill it's just one girl, I'll tell you what I've understood after many disfunctional relationships and my friend's ordeal.

1° you should never begin a sort of relationship, with a cheating woman, because that sets the basis of the relationship on pretty bad stuff and she might think it's okay to do the same to you in a couple of years !
It's maybe cliché, but quality women will never have such attitudes, still you have to draw the line as well to what's not acceptable, or she'll use you, but still I think there's never a justification for such situation.

2° believe actions, not words ! She's constantly going from warm to cold for no real reasons and she told you she's basically cheating, did allready in the past, even with all the big explanations, it screams I'm unable to know what I want and am going to leave a guy if a better one comes along.


Then there is one phrase you said she told you, that is to me very frightening. "I believe that some day i will make you mine, you WILL be mine!" I think a good woman would never phrase it this way, she would rather say, "I believe one day we will be together, I will make a future for us" or something in this vein.
This seems like a very possessive and almost an objectified way to think about someone, but maybe I'm reading too much into her discourse, who knows !
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby ImWeird » Sat Jan 27, 2018 7:29 pm

I too believe that there is no excuse for cheating. She once "offered" to explain to me the whole situation that lead her to cheat on her ex but i stopped her saying that i dont wanna know because there are no excuses for such thing, she agreed. Anyway, forgot to mention that she told me to find a girl that will be worth it and that she will hurt me, but those things made me wanna try even more! Felt like a challenge. I know it sounds stupid and im too young and ill find someone thats worth it blablabla, but until now ive never found that one girl. Ive had mini-relationships and stuff with girls and most of them were proved to be "not good" eventually so i am let down right now. Seeing how most of my friends have found themselves a nice person to be with and im here single, not that i dont like it but it angers me a little bit, also id like to have someone (girl) to hug and spend some time with. Not to mention that it feels like im doing something wrong or that i am a "wrong" human being. Dunno how to put it.

As of her phrase, i think she meant that some day we will be together, not that she will "own" me. It just can't be explained in english very well, see, my native tongue isnt english, so there is some confusion with the idioms of my language, not everything can be said in english. I really dont know, one part of myself is telling me "leave her, she is not worth it" and the other is telling me that there is hope for all people and everyone can change, given the right person and the right situation. Ive seen friends of mine cheating on their partners but after that they are the most loyal people. It's bad choices that we make because we're humans, but i believe there is hope if you understand your wrongs and ure trying to fix them.
Btw, i even thought that this guy is abusive and he doesn't let her leave him. In that case i am going mad so im trying to get this out of my head.
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby Holodeck » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:13 pm

ImWeird wrote:She once "offered" to explain to me the whole situation that lead her to cheat on her ex but i stopped her saying that i dont wanna know because there are no excuses for such thing, she agreed.


Glad you didn't fall for the story time.

Anyway, forgot to mention that she told me to find a girl that will be worth it and that she will hurt me


:shock:

Change your locks. Move. Ya know. Just for fun.

I know it sounds stupid and im too young and ill find someone thats worth it blablabla, but until now ive never found that one girl. Ive had mini-relationships and stuff with girls and most of them were proved to be "not good" eventually so i am let down right now. Seeing how most of my friends have found themselves a nice person to be with and im here single, not that i dont like it but it angers me a little bit, also id like to have someone (girl) to hug and spend some time with. Not to mention that it feels like im doing something wrong or that i am a "wrong" human being. Dunno how to put it.


Hey everyone would like someone around who gets them. Nothing selfish about that. Maybe try going out to group meets with others who aren't her...or friends of her.

As of her phrase, i think she meant that some day we will be together, not that she will "own" me.It just can't be explained in english very well, see, my native tongue isnt english, so there is some confusion with the idioms of my language, not everything can be said in english.


Maybe, but coupled with you saying she said "find a girl that will be worth it and that she will hurt me" (I don't know if you meant this girl or the "worth it" one in the future), either way she said both things in a rather threatening sounding way. For some reason I picture a news story getting out after you start dating someone new. A helicopter showing a field where a mysterious heart with yours and her initials are scorched into the earth with a voodoo doll that looks oddly like your present gf severely burned in the flames. I know I'm taking creative licence here, but I've dated wackos before, and she comes off as one. Keep in mind that many seem normal until you break up and find a condom full of urine in your fridge, dish towel in the sink so when you turn on the disposal it wrecks it and rubber cement down the bath drain making showers that double as baths. Ahhh Andrea how I don't miss thee. If you add another person into the mix to make the wacko jealous and there's a possibility she'll target her.

I really dont know, one part of myself is telling me "leave her, she is not worth it" and the other is telling me that there is hope for all people and everyone can change, given the right person and the right situation.


Stop trying to save her, and trying to gain a girlfriend so fast. It's only going to be worse the longer you stay with her.

Ive seen friends of mine cheating on their partners but after that they are the most loyal people. It's bad choices that we make because we're humans, but i believe there is hope if you understand your wrongs and ure trying to fix them.


Oh? And how many times did those partners continue to cheat while claiming they would talk to the other party to break things off, but never do so?

Btw, i even thought that this guy is abusive and he doesn't let her leave him. In that case i am going mad so im trying to get this out of my head.


He's abusive. I bet she cheated on her ex because he was abusive too. My point is that maybe this guy is, but this could also easily be her trying to convince you to stick with her through damsel in distress guilt.

Once again change your locks. Chances are she's not gonna let go easily.
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby ImWeird » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:47 pm

Holodeck wrote:
ImWeird wrote:She once "offered" to explain to me the whole situation that lead her to cheat on her ex but i stopped her saying that i dont wanna know because there are no excuses for such thing, she agreed.


Glad you didn't fall for the story time.

Yeah, i am not really interested in giving excuses to such things.

Anyway, forgot to mention that she told me to find a girl that will be worth it and that she will hurt me


:shock:

Change your locks. Move. Ya know. Just for fun.

You misunderstood, ill explain below :P

I know it sounds stupid and im too young and ill find someone thats worth it blablabla, but until now ive never found that one girl. Ive had mini-relationships and stuff with girls and most of them were proved to be "not good" eventually so i am let down right now. Seeing how most of my friends have found themselves a nice person to be with and im here single, not that i dont like it but it angers me a little bit, also id like to have someone (girl) to hug and spend some time with. Not to mention that it feels like im doing something wrong or that i am a "wrong" human being. Dunno how to put it.


Hey everyone would like someone around who gets them. Nothing selfish about that. Maybe try going out to group meets with others who aren't her...or friends of her.

I am trying but i find no motivation to do so at the moment...other girls are approaching me but i just cant do what i would usually do because i cannot give myself to them and i dont wanna be an asshole, theyre good people.

As of her phrase, i think she meant that some day we will be together, not that she will "own" me.It just can't be explained in english very well, see, my native tongue isnt english, so there is some confusion with the idioms of my language, not everything can be said in english.


Maybe, but coupled with you saying she said "find a girl that will be worth it and that she will hurt me" (I don't know if you meant this girl or the "worth it" one in the future), either way she said both things in a rather threatening sounding way. For some reason I picture a news story getting out after you start dating someone new. A helicopter showing a field where a mysterious heart with yours and her initials are scorched into the earth with a voodoo doll that looks oddly like your present gf severely burned in the flames. I know I'm taking creative licence here, but I've dated wackos before, and she comes off as one. Keep in mind that many seem normal until you break up and find a condom full of urine in your fridge, dish towel in the sink so when you turn on the disposal it wrecks it and rubber cement down the bath drain making showers that double as baths. Ahhh Andrea how I don't miss thee. If you add another person into the mix to make the wacko jealous and there's a possibility she'll target her.
Hahaha, that cracked me up :D
She meant that if i stay with her she is gonna hurt me eventually and that i should find a girl that will be worth because im a really nice guy (oh what a surprise)

I really dont know, one part of myself is telling me "leave her, she is not worth it" and the other is telling me that there is hope for all people and everyone can change, given the right person and the right situation.


Stop trying to save her, and trying to gain a girlfriend so fast. It's only going to be worse the longer you stay with her.
I don't know, maybe i should stop hoping so much for people cause i tend to do that for others too.

Ive seen friends of mine cheating on their partners but after that they are the most loyal people. It's bad choices that we make because we're humans, but i believe there is hope if you understand your wrongs and ure trying to fix them.


Oh? And how many times did those partners continue to cheat while claiming they would talk to the other party to break things off, but never do so?

As far as i know, they did it once and theyve regretted it ever since, they told their partners too. The guy forgave my female friend and they stayed together for 2 more years, until they eventually broke up for other reasons.

Btw, i even thought that this guy is abusive and he doesn't let her leave him. In that case i am going mad so im trying to get this out of my head.


He's abusive. I bet she cheated on her ex because he was abusive too. My point is that maybe this guy is, but this could also easily be her trying to convince you to stick with her through damsel in distress guilt.
No i mean abusive in an illegal way. Not letting her leave him and threatening or being violent and stuff.Not just paranoid and jealous.

Once again change your locks. Chances are she's not gonna let go easily.


Thats what im thinking, that she will keep coming back and bother me.
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby Holodeck » Sat Jan 27, 2018 8:58 pm

Yup go with that gut instinct. Move change locks. Ghost all of them. Restraining order if you must.
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Re: I don't know what i should do with this girl-it's eating me

Postby ImWeird » Sat Jan 27, 2018 9:55 pm

I am gonna stay away and stop contacting her (not that we talk anymore, she is also ignoring me on the group chat like she is butthurt for some reason, so that makes it even easier)

The thing is, my mind still feels bound to her :|
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