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I'm obsessed with my ex. *may trigger*

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I'm obsessed with my ex. *may trigger*

Postby HomoSapien » Fri Jan 26, 2018 6:38 am

For this I'm gonna have to give context but its kind of weird. Don't ask how but I dated the same boy for roughly ten years, from a fairly young age. We were really good friends. He was sweet and kind and funny, we even had our first kiss together. Everything was great. He had gone to a different school than me since age 8 but we saw each other regularly. When we were moving to secondary school last minute he was going to a different school than me, mainly down to his parents. Despite this it was all good. I started speaking to one of friends via Skype but we didn't talk that often. One day he messaged me asking whether our relationship was going OK. I told him everything was good but he then told me that my boyfriend was apparently seeing a girl at their school. Immediately I started asking him about her (still on Skype). He responded saying he didn't know that we were even in a relationship anymore despite his sexual nature towards me on previous encounters. He responded with memes and 'are we still friends'. I said yes because I didn't want to be without him. That night I cried until I had no tears left.
About week later it was new years eve and I was staying round at his while my mum went to a party. That night we snuggled and he asked to have sex with me. Despite me saying no he began pulling down my pyjama bottoms. I quickly pulled them back and told him I was going to sleep, he was fairly annoyed about this.
One of the next times I would see him it would be with one of his friends. For a few months I doubted that this girlfriend assisted and that the conversation was with one of his friends having a cruel joke. His friend confirmed the relationship that day. After they left I cried again and planned a way to murder the girl. I don't know either.
Every time I saw him afterwards he would act like I was his girlfriend. He would pull me into his arms whilst sat on the floor with me on his lap. It felt amazing. At this point he had broken up with his girlfriend. I was convinced that he had loved me all that time but was just confused and didn't realise it. I thought he wanted to ask me out but didn't have the courage (I didn't either though so I could never ask).
I got Instagram despite how much I hate because I knew he had an account. I made an account unlike any of my others for the sole intent of monitoring him (could be considered stalking?). Every time he would post my heart would race and !y hands wouldn't stop shaking. The same would happen if he ever messaged me. He now knows that the arc until is me because I messaged him trying to contact him (he didn't use Skype anymore and I didn't own a computer). I also planned a route to stalk him on the way back from school with.
Its now been a year since the 'breaking up' and I have never stopped thinking about him. Some days he's all I think about. I imagery he kidnapping him and having him to myself. I think of an apocalyptic world where I can be his protector and have him rely on me. Writing all this down makes me feel even worse about the whole thing. Am I crazy? Right now the only thing stopping me from killing myself is the hope of being with him. To me, him even starting a conversation with no push to do so is the the greatest deep feeling. If something is wrong with me or I could could get some form of diagnosis I would be appreciated because half the time I try to rationalise what I do.
Last edited by seabreezeblue on Fri Jan 26, 2018 8:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added trigger warning to title.. no further changes.
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Re: I'm obsessed with my ex. *may trigger*

Postby xdude » Fri Jan 26, 2018 1:46 pm


HomoSapien wrote:If something is wrong with me or I could could get some form of diagnosis I would be appreciated because half the time I try to rationalise what I do.

We are not mental health professionals here, so are unable to diagnose. That written, there is a word that may match what you are feeling -

We do NOT delete posts

Read the forum rules before posting here. If you are having any doubts about what you are posting, if you are thinking in the back of your mind, "I am going to want to delete this, or these details, later", remove those details, or step back and don't post until you are sure.
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