How to have a relationship with a fearful avoidant?

Hey guys,

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful woman I met 8 months ago, but lately I've been observing her "distancing" behaviors as we've really begun to establish love and intimacy. I've noticed in the past that she always feels safer and more willing to spend time with me if she controls the plans. Anytime I try to make plans, she'll test me by being difficult to please and try to establish control, otherwise she'll get anxious about me potentially trying to control her. For instance, I thought it would be a fun idea to take a weekend trip together a few months back, and while we ended up going and having a wonderful time, she called me the day before with a panic attack that she said was due to "work and not being able to find the right clothes for our outing." Alongside her fears of engulfment, she simultaneously struggles with a fear of abandonment. There was a point where we didn't talk for 3 days, and when she reached out to me I suggested that we not have a sleepover that weekend, but still meet up the next day so we could spend time together. She called me later that night very distressed about me potentially leaving her. Once things were settled, I invited her over to stay the night to assuage her anxieties, and she pulled the "I'm too tired" card. Later that night she called me crying saying that she has never merged schedules with somebody and it was frightening her. She attributed this fear to an emotionally unpredictable mother. Additionally, her father was emotionally unvailable to her throughout her childhood. So, that brings us to recent events. This past month we have had the most amazing, intimate experiences with one another. I've never felt more connected to her, and I can sense the feeling is mutual. However, after each of these times, she immediately shuts down and withdraws herself for a time. After one of these amazing weekends, she came over the following weekend and it was a disaster. She was shy, nervous, and would barely talk. At the end of our weekend she was crying and said she felt like she was boring me the whole weekend. We got past it, and this last weekend we had another wonderful time together. I love this woman dearly, but I'm definitely receiving some friction from her side as we move forward. I sent her a text to get back to me sometime this week to plan our weekend, but have yet to heard back (which isn't completely unheard of from her, so I'm not panicking). I'm planning on giving her time and space until she answers, and then moving slowly once she does. Can anyone offer advice on what to do moving forward with her? I love her, and I'm willing to put in more effort to make this work. The saddest part about all of this is that if she were to just tell me that she was feeling nervous and smothered, I would gladly take my foot off the pedal and lovingly provide her with space.

Hi Tiambo80,,

When you say fearful avoidant, I am going to assume someone who has a fearful attachment style or perhaps an attachment trauma of some sort. Not someone who has avoidant personality disorder or issues along those lines. We would not be able to confirm whether that is the case. So I am going to give you a little bit of info on the attachment issues.

Attachment theory posits that how our significant caregivers nurtured us, cared for us, were available to us when distressed, did not leave us for vast amounts of time, etc forms a relationship "template" that we carry with us as adults and activate whenever we become involved with relationships.

There are three basic "styles." (Note: There are various different interpretations out there, I am going to give you a simple one). The three are secure-anxious (with two sub-types) and fearful. Each type has a set of emotional needs/ wants that they seek in relationships, each has degrees of intimacy needs, and degrees of empathy and ability to attach to others. Each type can also have core sensitivities, fears, traumas, and emotional triggers.

Secure, is exactly what it means. A person who has a balanced view of relationships and has a need for both intimacy and autonomy. These people have had consistent, effective parenting. Anxious types come in two sleeves, anxious-preoccupied and anxious/dismissive/avoidant. These two types are considered anxious because they have had inconsistent parenting. The pre-occupied wants deep emotional closeness, and intimacy. The dismissive/avoidant type fears emotional closeness and intimacy.

Now that leaves fearful, which is probably the most complex. Complex because it has competing forces attached to it. On the one hand, deep intimacy and emotional connectedness, love etc is desired (much like anxious/pre-occupied). On the other, there is an intense fear of it. Fear of hurt, being left behind/abandoned, being engulfed/smothered, etc (much like the dismissive). This type will engage in push/pull behavior that can make a romantic partner feel very emotionally confused.

You will feel loved one minute, and then unloved the next. If you yourself are an anxious/pre-occupied type (one who desires emotional closeness/intimacy and will pursue someone to achieve it) you can be activated yourself. Your own attachment fears can come to the surface, making you anxious and fearful and cause you to try to close the emotional gap between you. Unfortunately that only activates her fearful tendencies and cause her to further push you away.

Even secure people can become anxious with all of the approach/avoidance.

I am afraid the way to deal with this is going to be hard. You have emotional needs. With a partner like this, you will often feel neglected, ignored, and unloved. Your patience and understanding, i.e. not pushing too hard, giving her space, works for awhile. However, your natural style will cause you to try to move closer (whether you are secure or an anxious type). Because you are yearning for the closeness. This will only activate her again, and cause her to run.

My understanding in dealing with this is three fold. 1) Effective and honest communication. Telling her how you feel, telling her about your own emotional needs ( a key), and telling her you understand she needs space and to go slow. 2) she needs to decide for herself if it is worth it to try to manage her fears. This is a tough one. Avoidants have a hard time looking into their fears with out professional help. They will end relationships instead of facing them. But she needs to understand you have needs for closeness and connection. Try to be careful not to give up on your own needs for her. And 3) some type of professional assistance to help deal with her intimacy fears. That she needs to choose. You can not push this on her. She will run.

This will be very, very hard. Your love for her may cause you to continue to sacrifice what you need in order to attempt to make her feel good or secure. You can not change her by doing this or cure her of her avoidant/fearful attachment issues. She will probably need professional help to sort it out. But she needs to take that leap herself.

I hope that somehow you can work this out. But her pushing away constantly may cause you some harm as well. So, as much as it hurts, please take the time to assess whether this will be good for you to do.