I have no where to turn

Hi everyone

I have a diagnoses of BPD - for some time now I've been thinking I no longer 'fit' this diagnosis. I still have some of the thought patterns and even behaviours BUT that doesn't mean I have BPD.

I had my last session with my therapist this week. I asked her outright if she thought I have BPD. She didn't give me a straight answer (!). She said it was unfair I have the diagnosis when my symptoms are a symptom of the past. She then went on to say she thinks I have an attachment disorder.

I have googled this and I understand it. It fits and it doesn't surprise me, given my history. Google doesn't offer any help though.

I feel incredibly sad and desperate at this moment in time.

Age 8 months - both my parents went to prison - I was placed in foster care
Age 4 - returned to my mother
Between ages 4-7 - I continued to go back to the same foster carers at weekends and holidays. I was being sexually abused there.
Age 7 - my mother left. She went out and simply didn't return. I didn't see her again until last year (I am now 31). I was returned back to the same foster family. My siblings went elsewhere (with each other).
Between the ages of 7 and 14 I stayed with the foster family. I was sexually, physically and mentally/emotionally abused. I had no love. I was nobodies child, no-one's daughter.
Age 14 - I disclosed. Moved to a children's home, some people were sent to prison.
Between the ages of 14-16, I lived in many different homes. I had promises from staff members/social workers to always be there for me. Those people left.
Age 16 - I had a baby

My child does not live with me, he has not since he was 4. I have regular contact with him - he seems secure in himself. The people that have him were my old social worker and her husband. Apparently, she didn't give a $#%^ about me, she wanted my baby. Then she ###$ off to Australia with him.

That's a very brief overview of my life. It's no surprise I have attachment issues.

I obsess about older women, want to cling to them. I have a certain type in my head, this 'goddess' type, someone I want to be my mother. It's getting harder because I'm getting older.

I wish I was a little girl with a proper mummy.

This is very raw as well because my therapy has ended. I can't go back to therapy, I can't cope with another goodbye.

I think my partner has an attachment disorder as well but she is different to me - whereas, even though I feel the pain inside, I am quite aloof and appear quite 'hard' and independent, she is very clingy and needy. I do not tolerate this very well. I've stopped reassuring her because there is no point, it doesn't DO anything - I have spoke to her about this and she accepts this. Her mother is around and she [partner] is like 'you can have my mum as well' - er, your mother made you the way you are, I'm good thanks.

I often wonder if I'm in a lesbian relationship because I need a woman, but not in sexual sense. I have no interest in men...or women, for that matter.

I just want a mum.

I feel so lonely, desperate and despairing right now.

I would say your life experiences could most certainly cause RAD.
But I think these diagnoses es all overlap to a certain extent so you can fit one diagnosis whilst in reality suffering from something else.
I could probably just as easily have been diagnoses with Aspergers syndrome as RAD.
I am of the same RAD type as you, seemingly aloof and unapproachable, certainly independent.

Really don't know how I can be of help?
Maybe you need to find a partner who is a lot older than you and wants to give you that sort of Love, the person you are with seems to be the opposite of what you seem to need?

I really relate to your obsessing over older women and how painful that need is as I feel the same. I apparently have BPD with an attachment disorder diagnosis as well. I have attached intensely to older women since I was about 6 and it truly is agonising and feel it has ruined my life as I obsess to the detriment of normal relationships which I now have none (I'm in my 30s ).