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Living with a RAD partner

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Living with a RAD partner

Postby Stakkar » Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:17 am

Hello - I am new here and new to RAD. I hope the topic of this post is Ok - I wasn't sure what to write. Actually, I'm not sure what to ask. I guess what I am looking for here is some support in ways I can be supportive of my girlfriend, who was diagnosed with RAP and PTSD (she also has issues with depression). For purposes of this forum I'll call her Susan.

Mybe the best place to start is with telling a little about us. We are both 40 (or just about 40) and have been together for about 8 years -originally though we were high school sweethearts. We were together for aobut 3 years - and then apart for 15. Here we are again - recycling as we call it :). We are both professionlas - she holds a masters degree - and we are living togehter with my 12 year old sone - we will marry one day - sooner than later.

She had a very hard childhood - both parents were alcoholics - Dad split and mom was abusive. At the age of 7 her older sister was able to get guardianship of her and she and her husband raised her - they are her parents. She had a good life and they provided for her and gave her every advantage they could. It is clear they all love one another - however emotional display is not the families forte.

Recently her mother moved back to the area - she is edlerly and not in good health - she came to be close to the her daughters. She lives on her own but needs some care. She hasn't drank in years and is clearly trying to make up for her past abuse - this event triggered a break down in Susan - she just returned to work from a 6 month mental health leave. She is very good about understanding her issues and seaking treatment - she always has been. However, her therapist recently diagnosed her with RAD - and while I don't think it was a surprise to her, it has thrown her a bit.

She has never been a real emotional person. She has much stronger attachments to our pets than with people - she can handle and does enjoy social settings but avoids them when she can. She and I have a very close emotional connections - there is honest love there and affection, but I would say I am the only person she has this connection too. She is not smothering - she can on occasion be a bit needy (I mean that in no negative way). The only other person she was real close with was her college roomate - who unfortunately died with cancer when they were 23 or 24. She and my son have had a real hard time making a bonding connection - I'd say that they like one another but the relationship is distant to say the least.

In college and most of her 20's she was pretty sexually aggressive that has gone in the opposite direction - I am not sure exactly when that change came about. There was a lso a lot of alochol and minor drung use - but I wouldn't say that reached an abuse level - it was pretty much what I saw from others when we were that age.

Sorry that's all abit of a jumble - I am just trying to cover everything that I have been reading about as it applies to her. What I really need is to hear from others who know more about RAD - specifically what kind of things I can do to support and help her.

I know that this, and her other mental health issues, are not going to "go away" - it is illness and it's something we have to live with. She is doing her part and is in therapy and has been prescribed multiple medications - I have sought my own counselor to get the same kind of advice I am seeking here (he does not know of the RAD diagnosis yet - that's how new it is).

I love her dearly - I have since we met at 14 years old. I am here for the rest of our lives - I just want to be able to do my part and be as supportive as I can be - anything that will help us live the best life that we can together.

I appreciate this forum is here - thank you all.

J
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Re: Living with a RAD partner

Postby blondiegirly22 » Wed Sep 14, 2016 8:47 pm

Hi there I just wanted to post a reply because I too am married to someone with RADS. Although we've only been either we've only been a couple for two and a half years it has been by far the most overwhelming trying experience of my life. For almost the first two years of our relationship my husband (then boyfriend) would create these unnecessary invisible problems once a month like clockwork. These episodes, that we now know are due to his adult attachment disorder, we're just his way of self-sabotaging for no good reason. We never really argue or fight in any way... but his brain would just make up these unrealistic reasons to blow up at me and disappear. each time that's what happened I of course would be devastated and heartbroken left to pick up the pieces I mean he left behind amidst the destruction. 4 weeks sometimes months after these episodes I wouldn't speak to him and I would try and stay away... but eventually his Pursuit of me would always win. After a year of dealing with these episodes and continuing to go back to him I finally got him to agree to start seeing a counselor. Not only did we start to see a couples therapist but he also volunteered to see an individual therapist as well on his own. although the individual counseling he received helped him tremendously and he developed a trust with his counselor unlike anything I've seen before in his working relationships... it was actually our couples counselor who made the diagnosis of RADS (actually during our very first visit with her).

Receiving the diagnosis what is probably more helpful to me than anything else because I felt like I finally had answers as to why he acted the way that he did which made me feel less crazy for continuing to put up with it and constantly going back to him. We only managed to make it through 2 therapy sessions with our couples counselor before he freak out and blew up on her during our session and left me there in the room by myself. Of course after that, the therapist argued with me for the next 30 minutes about whether I was absolutely sure I wanted to continue in a relationship with that person....like I must be out of my mind if I wanted to continue going on living like this with my significant other? After that session my husband insisted on us never going back to see her again.

I will say that since the initial start of this most recent episode of his things have mellowed out significantly. The kids and I came back home a couple days later. Slowly but surely my husband began to communicate with me a little bit of what's been going on inside that head of his. When we spoke on the phone after I returned home he just kept telling me over and over again that he cannot get his brain to stop telling him that he hates me and that he despises me. I asked him if he's prayed about it and he insists that he has continuously ask for God's help. Two seconds later he begins to question his entire face stating that he's not sure if any of that stuff is even real anymore.

At that point I decided to take it upon myself to go pay a visit to his individual therapist with whom he had actually been recommending I go see regarding getting my kids started in therapy with her. Thankfully after dropping by unannounced his amazing counselor freed up her schedule right then and there for me to come in her office and talk with her about things. I must have been in there for over an hour! She actually clued me in on a few different things... such as the fact that if my husband is using marijuana to self medicate... it actually might be hindering his progress and adding to the paranoia and stead of helping him, but it depends on the strain. She told me she recommends that he get a full neurological workup because she fears that there is a whole lot more going on with his brain chemistry besides just the attachment disorder. She told me that she believes strongly that my husband is terrified of going to any doctors because he does not want them to find out anything about him or find anything wrong with him that he might have to deal with or face...he'd rather nobody know. I totally agree with everything she had to say.

I struggle with trying to figure out how we can get him some help if he continues to be so stubborn and regarding treatment or getting support for his condition. He is in total denial about it but not all the time. When he's not going through these episodes he totally knows and agrees with the fact that he's got RADS. However if you try and approach him about it during an episode he will tell you to f*** off and treat you like you're the crazy one. My children and I love him so very much and do not want to give up on him. I'm sorry I cannot offer much as far as advice goes... I did want you to know that there are others out there dealing with the same types of issues with the same types of people as you.

Please forgive me for the grammatical errors or things that may not make sense in this post as I used voice to text from a cell phone and do not have the time to read every word to make sure it is correct LOL
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Re: Living with a RAD partner

Postby Jeducation » Sat Mar 17, 2018 2:49 am

Hi, I see both of your posts are from a year or more. I am going through something similar and wanted to see if we could compare notes. I would like to talk to more people about having a partner with RAD.

It has been extremely challenging and I would like to begin a discussion about how to best approach this.

Have there been any changes for either of you in your relationship?
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Re: Living with a RAD partner

Postby amcook » Sat Apr 14, 2018 4:30 pm

Hi

A RAD person has a long journey to heal. The first step is becoming aware and taking responsibility for oneself, otherwise no matter what road is take blame is placed elsewhere until one takes reponsibility for oneself.
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Re: Living with a RAD partner

Postby blondiegirly22 » Mon Apr 16, 2018 8:21 pm

Actually my husband's symptoms have cotton much better ever since I became pregnant with his child last year. Strange to say but for some reason as soon as I was going to be giving birth to his baby his treatment towards me changed and he has worked really really really hard not to be so explosive and detrimental to the relationship. He is a wonderful father and our baby is now 7 months old. I think having a child is a way for him to really connect and create a lifelong a bond that was missing for him when he was a child.
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