I was raped and got pregnant...

I was raped at a large party by someone I've never met a few years ago, and I got pregnant. Drs always told me I could never have a baby, so it was kind of a miracle that I got pregnant. I kept the baby, and I don't seem to associate him with what happened at all. The only problem is that I'm terrified of men that I don't know. I want to get my life back together, but Im always scared that any guy I meet could do that to me again. My whole life I've always wanted a family and a white picket fence, but I'm scared I'll never get it because im scared to leave my house unless I'm with my parents. I also worry all the time about what I'll tell my son. Ive hardly told anyone about my sons father, because I don't want anyone to judge him. What do I do?

Hi Roots,

Try not to worry too much. It's okay to have fear issues- that is perfectly normal given what you have been through. Have you tried therapy? You need to find a way to overcome your fear issues (so much easier said than done, right?). Maybe take some self defense classes, start carrying pepper spray, learn to shoot a gun, get a concealed weapons permit, or a big dog. You are afraid of something bad happening again- what you want to do is find a way to reassure yourself that you are safe. You need to have the confidence in yourself that 1) you are safe and 2) even if something were to happen you could fight back and get away. Most survivors are too afraid to take self defense, but being able to fight back and feel safe is important in overcoming the fear of being hurt again.

My suggestion is you find a good story to tell your son. There is no need for him to know the truth. So pick out a character from a movie, or tv show and base your description off of that. Just make sure it is someone you will remember so you can keep your story straight. It would probably be a good idea to say the father is dead so he won't go looking later on. If you decide to tell him, wait til he is an adult and able to handle it and understand that it doesn't mean you don't love him. Be sure to discuss the "story" with your parents as well so they will know what to say if he asks.

As for the white picket fence- you can have that if it is what you want. Maybe just stick with a group of close friends and hang out as a group. Meeting/dating someone doesn't always have to mean being alone together.

Take care and be strong!

Hey Roots,

You're not alone. The (almost) same thing happened to me at the beginning of June of this year. I was grabbed off the street by a group of gang members, was raped, burned, and pregnant because only one of them wore a condom. I'm scared of every man I see. The only men I trust are my dad and a guy friend I've known for ten years, who has also been sexually abused. My startle response is still exaggerated and I cry at the drop of a hat. I had an abortion because I thought I wasn't strong enough to have a child. Believe me, I thought long and hard about it. I thought about what I would say to my son or daughter, what I would tell him or her about the dad. My advice: think about what telling what really happened will accomplish. Will it make you feel better? What effect will it have on your son? Will anyone really benefit from that painful knowledge? I'm not a proponent of lying or deceiving those we love, but I do believe in protecting them. The decision is ultimately yours, but what want to keep in mind is what the best course of action is for the well-being of everyone involved, and that includes you. Stay strong, hunny.

-Faye