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How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular basis?

Open Discussions About Rape Trauma Syndrome.

Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular bas

Postby sleeper^ » Fri May 24, 2013 3:29 pm

@Stuck
Terrible position to be in
Would suggest seeing the oncampus counselor ( to have the rape recorded into her / his notes)
if you ever change your mind about reporting the crime against you
The counselor will hold your confidence ( & help you sort through some of what you are feeling right now ) you don't have to say who the guy was ( but just that it happened ) & also now what is happening ( the therapist also will help you with some ideas of what to do now in regards to him ) ..
Therapy wil help you work through some of the trauma you are experiencing right now & give you someone to chat to about it all safely..(& hopefully also a way to maybe change rooms again so YOU don't have to keep seeing him!)

As for seeing him - well that could also be on purpose also ( eg- would also suggest to start to carry some sort of spray )
This guy got away with it !
So unfortunately - :( He might also be playing with your mind ..
or it might just be a quiescence to be seeing him
ON any account eg- would gets some self defense lessons going for you also (if possible)
( it will help to improve your self esteem again also ( - to feel like your doing something to now also control the situation ) & give you a reason to feel abit more safer
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular bas

Postby mbw » Fri Jul 05, 2013 3:25 am

My advice is to tell somebody, or some people that you trust, and you know who care about you. I had similar traumatic experiences (which I won't go into) which disabled my life and kept me in constant confusion and fear, but I am finding that healing comes from talking about your problems, fears etc. The therapy and room change ideas both sound helpful and useful, if they are possible. Perhaps you didn't push charges because you feared what kind of reaction it would stimulate in him? If so, that's understandable, and don't be concerned about some of these people speaking as if it's ridiculous that you didn't push charges. Occurrences like these can force people into seclusion and suicide and self-medication and self-destruction, but they're is always a possible path that you can guide yourself onto which will bring some degree of happiness, contentment and joy. I advise you to be careful around this person and to tell some sort of authority figure, like a school student services person or adviser or the police if you feel it's necessary. A restraining order would probably be useful for you. I completely agree with Jasmin's advice as well. Don't close in. Open up. When you withdraw into yourself it makes it possible for you to eat into yourself, and can make you feel so alienated and bizarre. The fact that you looked here for help with your issues suggests that you are a proactive, willing to look for a solution to your problems, and also that you are resilient and brave in that you're able to ask people for advice. I hope some of what I've said, and what these people have said, helps you. Keep talking. Feel free to PM if you need support.
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular bas

Postby Wisedude » Fri Oct 04, 2013 4:27 pm

Look rape is horrible, and the men that do it should be locked up for at least 25 years for each incident in my opinion (no parole).

But I must admit I get angry that so many women do not fight to get the men charged, go to the hospital to get evidence.

It gets me angry, cause to a degree the women are letting the men get away with it so that they can continue to rape women in the future.

Please women if you are raped, go to the hospital to get evidence, do everything you can to get the person prosecuted. If you don't you may as well give them a card saying "Congratulations, you have gotten away with it, and will suffer no consequences".
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular bas

Postby jilkens » Fri Oct 04, 2013 7:02 pm

Wisedude,

A rape victim does not have a responsibility to report the crime. They are not responsible if someone else gets raped by the same person; that responsibility lies solely with the rapist.

Reporting a sexual assault means undergoing a rape kit (very invasive and traumatizing on its own), being interrogated by police officers (the only crime in which the victim is harshly interrogated before the criminal to determine whether or not the story is strong enough), stigma, lost time at school or work, and often finding themselves without the proper emotional supports in order to carry through the entire criminal process. For some rape victims, this is the most traumatizing aspect of the entire rape.

So no, don't be angry at the rape victims. That's unjust, and it makes you a rape apologist.
Blame it on me, but know that I won't regret one iota.
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular bas

Postby somekindamillie » Sat Oct 05, 2013 8:20 pm

ladyswan wrote:Wisedude,

A rape victim does not have a responsibility to report the crime. They are not responsible if someone else gets raped by the same person; that responsibility lies solely with the rapist.

Reporting a sexual assault means undergoing a rape kit (very invasive and traumatizing on its own), being interrogated by police officers (the only crime in which the victim is harshly interrogated before the criminal to determine whether or not the story is strong enough), stigma, lost time at school or work, and often finding themselves without the proper emotional supports in order to carry through the entire criminal process. For some rape victims, this is the most traumatizing aspect of the entire rape.

So no, don't be angry at the rape victims. That's unjust, and it makes you a rape apologist.



I agree with you totally! couldn't have put it better. Wisedude doesn't understand how difficult going through the courts is. I had to go through it at age 9 just for my abuser to be found innocent which made me feel worse than ever, so I completely understand why Stuck would not want to go through it. sometimes It can be just as traumatic as the rape itself.

To Stuck, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. seeing him must have been awful. I just wondered if you had told anyone, like friends or family? If you haven't I strongly suggest you do. sometimes just saying it out loud to another person really helps, also seeing a counselor will really help too.
I hope you find some healing, take care

millie x
Dx: Borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety
Currently taking: 50mg Quetiapine

“I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.”~ Audre Lorde
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular bas

Postby tatahaputy » Mon Jan 27, 2014 6:52 pm

In one of the previous posts someone said she takes self defence lessons - sounds like a good idea to me. It may help you feel more confident and less vulnerable, or intimidated by this person.
I also think it is a good idea to have a roommate, maybe, or to move to a room that is close to where someone you know and trust lives - this way you can get help if you feel intimidated.
Wisedude, I certainly agree with ladyswan that it's solely the rapist's fault, and I think Stuck really shouldn't be forced into reporting him - it's her decision, and it's surely affected by many aspects of what is going on with her.
Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by. - Cat Stevens
We are accidents waiting to happen. - Radiohead
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular basis?

Postby AndIfISing1992 » Tue Jul 15, 2014 4:01 am

I don't like reading the replies on this about PRESS CHARGES NOW or asking you why you didn't press charges. It's not relevant.
How do I deal with seeing my rapist regularly? I'm in a similar situation being that I'm in college, can't transfer, and it's a relatively small campus so I see him semi-often. Most of my friends are in greek life, and he is in a fraternity, so they all still see each other too. One of my best friends pre-incident is his neighbor and they hang out all the time. Needless to say, my friendship with her did not survive long.

I don't really have a good answer to your question. I carry a knife. I lock my doors and check the windows before I go to sleep. When I see him, it is emotionally and physically overwhelming and I can feel my entire body tense up. I'm sure it's written all over my face, too. It's not pleasant. And I don't think it will ever be pleasant, necessarily.

I don't want to say I'm "healing" correctly. But I'm healing in a way that's good for me. I feel relatively safe. I don't live in constant terror of it happening again. Do whatever you need to do to establish that feeling, because I think that was essential to me (my mom came and stayed with me for a week... it helped) and then the emotional journey of learning how to return to normalcy when nothing is in fact normal anymore becomes a little more feasible.

I would encourage pressing charges, but I also completely understand if you don't. It is such an enormous undertaking, especially on a college campus, and I didn't feel supported enough to go through with that. I wish I had, but only because I wish I had given myself a chance to be angry sooner than now (a year after the fact)... the logic being that if I had been able to be angry I would have taken action. I don't know if that makes sense.

Feel free to message me and we can talk more! And good luck. I know how enormously difficult this is. Hugs hugs hugs
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular basis?

Postby Prairie gal » Mon Aug 11, 2014 4:24 am

Wise Dude obviously isn't so wise. He doesn't have a clue what women like you who
have been raped go through.

Sometimes I wish for the days of my past when this kind of thing could have been
handled by a couple of guy friends. Instant justice and the guy would never bother
you again.

I took a self defense course when I was in college, and it came in handy a couple of times.

I like the idea of flashing a gun. I'm sure there are some that look real but aren't.
Do you need a permit for those? When I was visiting in the USA I was shocked to see a few
guys had guns strapped onto their belts in public (and they weren't police).
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Re: How do you deal with seeing your rapist on a regular basis?

Postby mdenney » Tue Jan 24, 2017 3:19 pm

I work every day with rape victims on a college campus and I have clients like you who are forced to live with their attackers. I have some suggestions for you and then I have some knowledge to pass on to others posting here. Please note that everything I post is just a suggestion. You must do what feels right for you.

1) Does your university have victim advocacy? Its usually an office that's free for students that have become the victim of a crime. Any crime. If so, you could go there and get the services of a victim advocate like me. An advocate can do safety planning with you to help you feel safer in the dorm. Victim advocates are usually confidential. That means if you speak to one, they do not have to report it to the university. But it can help telling someone else and knowing someone else knows. If you do want to report, a victim advocate can help you do that, either to the university or to police. But know this, and this is important, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO REPORT. And if you choose not to, your victim advocate will understand and support your decision. An advocate can also help you process the trauma and begin to heal. An advocate can also help you get accommodations in your classes if you start to fall behind because of the rape.

2) You need to do lots of self-care right now. Living with your attacker is going to take such a huge toll on you, both emotionally and physically. Self-care includes going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning and getting at least 7 hours sleep. Trauma often affects our sleep. It also means eating as healthy as you can and getting outside for some sunshine and exercise. Spend time with your friends and family that make you feel good about yourself. Find someone you trust and tell them what happened. It feels better to not have to go through this alone. Try not to isolate yourself.

3) Take a self-defense class, and if it makes you feel better, carry pepper spray. Stay in groups when you walk around campus and have campus security take you to your car or dorm late at night. Put a bell on your door and put on extra locks. Keep all windows and doors locked. Whatever it is that makes you feel safer, do it and don't care what anyone else thinks. Keep your cell phone on you and well charged at all times.

4) You should get an STI test and a pregnancy test, even if he used a condom.

5) Consider going to your school's counseling center. A counselor is trained to help you get through this and deal with seeing him all the time. Counselors are also confidential. Be careful if you tell anyone else at the university. Ask them first if they are confidential. Many employees, including RAs, TAs, GAs, faculty, staff and admin are mandated reporters. Meaning if you tell them, they have to report it to the university. If you want it reported, that's fine. But if you don't, we don't want that choice taken away from you.

Now I'd like to take this opportunity to address others who have posted here. When someone is raped, what is taken from them is their power, control, and their voice. To help someone heal from rape, the first thing we do is immediately start to give them back their power, choice and voice. With this in mind, please do NOT tell a rape survivor what to do or make choices for them - such as telling them they have to report it or retaliate against their attacker.

It is not helpful to tell survivors what you would have done if you had been raped. What is helpful is allowing them to make their own decisions and do what's right for them - not what would have been right for you. Follow that up with supporting whatever decision they make and don't be judgmental.

Also, NO victim blaming. DO NOT say things like well why did you go out that late or why did you drink that much or what did you expect to happen? All victim blaming does is create a culture that encourages rape and NO ONE has ever done anything to deserve rape. There is only one thing that causes rape. Rapists. Not the clothes you wore or what you had to drink.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: Removed name.
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