by mdenney » Tue Jan 24, 2017 3:19 pm
I work every day with rape victims on a college campus and I have clients like you who are forced to live with their attackers. I have some suggestions for you and then I have some knowledge to pass on to others posting here. Please note that everything I post is just a suggestion. You must do what feels right for you.
1) Does your university have victim advocacy? Its usually an office that's free for students that have become the victim of a crime. Any crime. If so, you could go there and get the services of a victim advocate like me. An advocate can do safety planning with you to help you feel safer in the dorm. Victim advocates are usually confidential. That means if you speak to one, they do not have to report it to the university. But it can help telling someone else and knowing someone else knows. If you do want to report, a victim advocate can help you do that, either to the university or to police. But know this, and this is important, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO REPORT. And if you choose not to, your victim advocate will understand and support your decision. An advocate can also help you process the trauma and begin to heal. An advocate can also help you get accommodations in your classes if you start to fall behind because of the rape.
2) You need to do lots of self-care right now. Living with your attacker is going to take such a huge toll on you, both emotionally and physically. Self-care includes going to bed at the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning and getting at least 7 hours sleep. Trauma often affects our sleep. It also means eating as healthy as you can and getting outside for some sunshine and exercise. Spend time with your friends and family that make you feel good about yourself. Find someone you trust and tell them what happened. It feels better to not have to go through this alone. Try not to isolate yourself.
3) Take a self-defense class, and if it makes you feel better, carry pepper spray. Stay in groups when you walk around campus and have campus security take you to your car or dorm late at night. Put a bell on your door and put on extra locks. Keep all windows and doors locked. Whatever it is that makes you feel safer, do it and don't care what anyone else thinks. Keep your cell phone on you and well charged at all times.
4) You should get an STI test and a pregnancy test, even if he used a condom.
5) Consider going to your school's counseling center. A counselor is trained to help you get through this and deal with seeing him all the time. Counselors are also confidential. Be careful if you tell anyone else at the university. Ask them first if they are confidential. Many employees, including RAs, TAs, GAs, faculty, staff and admin are mandated reporters. Meaning if you tell them, they have to report it to the university. If you want it reported, that's fine. But if you don't, we don't want that choice taken away from you.
Now I'd like to take this opportunity to address others who have posted here. When someone is raped, what is taken from them is their power, control, and their voice. To help someone heal from rape, the first thing we do is immediately start to give them back their power, choice and voice. With this in mind, please do NOT tell a rape survivor what to do or make choices for them - such as telling them they have to report it or retaliate against their attacker.
It is not helpful to tell survivors what you would have done if you had been raped. What is helpful is allowing them to make their own decisions and do what's right for them - not what would have been right for you. Follow that up with supporting whatever decision they make and don't be judgmental.
Also, NO victim blaming. DO NOT say things like well why did you go out that late or why did you drink that much or what did you expect to happen? All victim blaming does is create a culture that encourages rape and NO ONE has ever done anything to deserve rape. There is only one thing that causes rape. Rapists. Not the clothes you wore or what you had to drink.
Last edited by
quietgirl2538 on Tue Jan 24, 2017 9:05 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: Removed name.