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The battle in my head *possible TW*

Open Discussions About Rape Trauma Syndrome.

The battle in my head *possible TW*

Postby KalypsoWolf » Thu Dec 19, 2019 10:12 am

Im not so sure how to start so maybe I'll just get right into it. So it happened 5 years ago, my first boyfriend raped me. I can't really call it a relationship though, because one way he would abuse me was by seeing other girls while i couldn't have other friends. Anyway, he was my lifeline in my abusive family drama (other story ugh) during highschool. I was lovestruck hard for 2 years, never noticing the physical, and emotional abuse. Later it started getting sexual. But he would still be there to hold me when i cried and had panic and PTSD attacks.
Later during the end of my sophomore year (we met as freshmen) i startes having an alter (alternate identity from DID) show up who was very sexual and would take the hit for me. I was starting to finally move on when he raped me. And even afterwards in school he would look at me from a distance. It got so bad i told my friends to help me stay away from him, cause i wanted to go back to him.
When they found out i was talking to him still they dragged me away and raped me as well to "teach me a lesson". It got so bad i had to switch schools because i felt like i was being stalked, i had no one to turn to.
I'm in therapy now, and even after all of that went down, even after the night terrors every night, and a new boyfriend who treats me so well for 3 years now, i still think of my first boyfriend. And how he was sweet and protective. I can remember all the good memories and emotions i had, but i know i can't and shouldn't try to contact him.
Does anyone else feel like this? Guilt, shamd, remorse, but the feeling of longing for your abuser? And then you feel guilty and ashamed for feeling that way towards them.
This is mostly a quick summary of my experience, but i want to know I'm not crazy for having these feelings.
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