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Risky behavior post assault?

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Risky behavior post assault?

Postby Nohone » Fri Jul 06, 2018 9:49 pm

After I was assaulted I started engaging in anything that made me feel alive

Sex with anyone I found attractive enough in the right setting
Had an adderall problem that reached its major peak after the assault,
Because when I was sober I cried about it or drank myself numb .. or had flashbacks where he was on top of me and I would cry saying “get off me” when no one was there for awhile.
Only reason I stopped adderall was because I started homeschooling.
Grades dropped
Started having sex with people in relationships, which is my most recent endeavor
ruining a family of with 2 baby girls with a guy 13 years older than me.
Getting into relationships with guys I knew were bad in hopes of them changing,
most just degraded me
Like so bad one of them told me my pussy was frivolous, & that I’m used by guys because I’m a whore.
I’m still seeing him now for the sex ...

Except the weird thing is I know it’s not me. I’m serious.

When I’m in a relationship I’m the most loyal, nuturing, caring person you have ever met. I do not believe in cheating
Yet when the ambience reaches 25% and r&b slow jams are being played.. I can’t resist. More like I wouldn’t resist even when I should.
Before the assault, my body count was sum of 3 I believe. After, it went into double digits within the matter of a 2 years.
Started drinking everyday pretty much. Some days it was 5 o’clock somewhere. I mean starting at 6 am.
Only really stoppped because I got a job where I was traveling a lot and my morals kicked in. (No withdrawals lucky me)
I just started therapy. But still sleeping around. It’s hard to love & respect yourself when you have your childhood stripped from you. I don’t know how to. And that’s why I find it hard to do for others. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of love, like almost he took my ability to trust myself and my judgment away from me.
i wanted to cry as I wrote that sentence.

Is this my assault untreated because I didn’t tell anyone for over 2 years , or am I just a bad person.
Nohone
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Re: Risky behavior post assault?

Postby Terry E. » Sun Jul 08, 2018 12:49 am

Nohone wrote:
But still sleeping around. It’s hard to love & respect yourself when you have your childhood stripped from you. I don’t know how to. And that’s why I find it hard to do for others. I don’t feel like I’m worthy of love, like almost he took my ability to trust myself and my judgment away from me.
i wanted to cry as I wrote that sentence.

Is this my assault untreated because I didn’t tell anyone for over 2 years , or am I just a bad person.



Dear I wish you could see some of my friends, who I have met here and elsewhere. They could have written what you wrote and still today (one 50 one 46) need reminding that "you did that because of your self esteem being damaged ". You don't need to tell me what happened as I can see from you recent past. I have seen incredibly strong women, who love their partners and children, who to most people have become survivor success stories, at times do what you are doing right now. One after she found her true love kept seeing a guy (married) who called her a slut and whore as that is who she felt she was. She hated it but could not stop until he invited a friend to also abuse her. That was her wake up call.

I hope your therapist can help, give it time and if it is not working for you after a period then maybe try another. Don't think it is you.

I feel for you, I really do, wish I could say more.

Terry
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