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Was I raped?

Open Discussions About Rape Trauma Syndrome.

Was I raped?

Postby Dolly295 » Wed Sep 27, 2017 9:38 pm

About 4 years ago, I was 16 and I got very drunk with friends, a group of friends who I saw every weekend. I had a schoolgirl crush on one of the boys in our group and would regularly just sit to one side with him and talk for hours and have a few kisses. Let's call him *Dylan He was a lot older than me, 24 I think he was.
Anyways, during the night we all got very drunk and everybody started leaving as it was getting late, and Dylan asked me to go to the bedroom, which I was a bit sceptical of because there was still quite a few people around and I didn't want people thinking I was going into the room to have sex with him. I kept saying no at first, because I was very drunk and I know that I Didn't want to end up passing out and falling asleep at someone else's house. But he was saying things like 'why? You would go into the bedroom with your other friends? We're only going to talk'
So I trusted him and went anyways and told myself I'll just keep the bedroom door open so other people know we're just talking. As I stepped into the room, two more of my male 'friends' were already in there and they told me to sit on the bed because I could hardly stand, so they guided me to the bed to which I fell down onto the bed because I was too drunk to stand. I remember laughing because I was embarrassed that I fell down and because I didn't want to seem too drunk in front of them. The next thing I remember is being face down on the bed with my bum raised, and someone was having sex with me from behind and he was physically punching the bottom of my spine, bum cheeks and top of my legs, and then I remember hearing my other 'friend' telling him to stop being so rough with me.
I just lay there because I was too drunk to lift my head and my arms to try and get away and I soon realised that they were taking turns on me. I first thought it was only the two lads that were in the room when I first walked in that we're having Sex with me but when I finally managed to lift myself up a bit I looked behind and the person who was being really rough, penetrating me and punching my behind was *Dylan. I was upset and hurt because I couldn't remember him entering the room which means I must have passed out, and I was upset that he would have sex with me and let two other guys do it too. At this point I started to get up and managed to find my underwear and pants and put them on. Next thing I know, *Dylan poured a a full bottle of vodka all over my head and soaking my whole body with it whilst I was trying to get dressed and the other lads just laughed at me.
I left the house crying and in shock at what just happened, because I know I would not have agreed to
Let three guys have sex with me, who I thought were my friends.
The next morning I woke up black and blue on my behind, and sore and ashamed at myself because back then I truly thought it was my fault and that if I was awake and just lying there frozen, doing nothing to stop it then it wasn't rape and all my hair was matted where he had poured the vodka over me to shame me.

Over the course of the next few weeks, all of my friends had found out and they all blamed me and laughed at me and actually started to hate me because of what happened. I was known to everybody as a slag and everyone threw the accusation around that I had had a 'gangbang'
I hated myself and blamed myself because I had willingly walked into the bedroom thinking all He wanted to do was talk. How could I have been so stupid, I now think that they arranged it behind my back when they saw how drunk I was? Because why would they have been waiting in the room for me? And why would Dylan have walked into the room, saw them having sex with me and not done anything about it and instead started to have sex with me himself.
Only the past two years I have realised that what happened was wrong, I didn't consent to anything happening, but because I was so drunk, and I went into the bedroom willingly to sit with a guy, is it rape?
Every single day I think about it, these past few months especially, I'm depressed and it's ruining my current relationship with the first man I love because I just can not stop thinking about it, I don't want to think about it but the memory is just there all the time. I'm an emotional wreck 24/7 and my partner hates me crying all the time because he doesn't realise the extent of the damage it's causing me. I'm moody, needy and angry all the time.
This is the first time talking about what happened in detail, it's breaking me and i think I need help/therapy but I first need to know, or need advice. Was it rape?
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Re: Was I raped?

Postby avatar123 » Wed Sep 27, 2017 11:43 pm

Dolly, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I think your instincts are right, they did plan it after seeing you were vulnerable, and it was rape because they didn't have your consent. In fact you probably weren't even able to consent, in your condition, and if you passed out.

Also if you were 16 and they were in their 20's, you may not have been legally able to consent, just based on your age alone. It depends on the laws and the age of consent in your area.

Either way, they took advantage of you, and their behavior was inexcusable. They had no regard for your well-being at all, and they made it worse afterwards by blaming and labeling you. You were not to blame, only they are responsible for their actions.

I hope you will consider talking to someone about this, a counselor or therapist. Your instincts are right there as well, you may need some help in dealing with this. Please be sure to look after yourself now, and get the care you need. And please don't blame yourself.
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Re: Was I raped?

Postby delicateinfj24 » Fri Mar 16, 2018 6:46 pm

My dear, thank you for sharing your story, I am so sorry for what happened to you. I went through a similar situation of manipulation that also lead to me being raped. I have not received help for it. My situation also happened when I was 16 and I’ll be 25 this year. So although I do recommend getting help I’m right there with you. I need to do the same. I just want you to know that you are not alone if you ever need to chat I’m here because I too have only shared my story on here and no where else. I don’t think I’ve even fully accepted that it happened. Even all these years later. It’s buried deep. Please keep updating us if you do go to therapy. You deserve to feel peace and to feel love and comfort in your current relationship. I think therapy will help with that. <3
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Re: Was I raped?

Postby mymothersmike » Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:55 pm

I am so sorry to read what happened to you. Bastards!
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Re: Was I raped?

Postby Zippyblue » Thu Oct 25, 2018 7:54 pm

It was rape.
Nothing could dispute that fact.
But why feel shame inside over the past?
This is my problem in the present. Why shoulder blame for predator behavior by three men who should never again stand to urinate.
I applaud your post. I smile in my heart at the battles you've won inside. I fantacize names at the bottom identifying the boys for their turn facing that night again.
But what I ask after attempting to place myself in your place from fhen till now is simple? Why did you blame yourself? This is not rhetorical or aghast for effect. I want to know. If my instinct alone was asked under oath it would answer flatly she was taught young.
Having my best friend survive a similar hell affords me to answer with conviction She was taught early on many lessons and truths most of us never face in a lifetime. Then she learned to forgive everyone except herself. She learned what was taught.
I have lived a similar story and thought of it every day for almost a 10 years. It has not changed or lessened in my heart. I can't imagine yours.
I hope telling this helps. I hope you grow in strength. You need it.
I hope you realize how amazing you are.
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Re: Was I raped?

Postby RottenFish » Fri Dec 28, 2018 5:48 am

Dolly295 wrote:All of my friends had found out and they all blamed me and laughed at me and actually started to hate me because of what happened.

This is just horrible. Friends who make you feel worse, and not better, are not your friends. Toss out any friends who don't support you.
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