What is this feeling I'm having? And am I crazy for it ?

I will try to keep this as short as possible because there's so many keep details it would take forever to get into everything leading up to this situation and what happened afterwards. Pretty much, I was raped then sexually assaulted again by an ex boyfriend a month later. I kept quiet about it until the next time where he pushed me against the wall and tried to put his hand up my dress and was feeling all over me. I tried to get away and he kept pulling me back. That's the day I decided enough was enough. I was tired of him being controlling, tired of him grabbing my wrists and pushing me against the wall. I was fed up of it all. I tried to make excuses for him raping me the previous month. Maybe he "didn't mean it", maybe he "couldn't control himself" or maybe it was even my fault becahse we had sex before and maybe I led him on because I let him touch me but then changed my mind and told him no. I tried getting away, I cried and begged but he didn't stop. He continued to take off my clothes touch me and penetrate me with his fingers. I remember every single feeling I had. That day, up until the next year which was filled with nothing but court dates and meetings with lawyers. I told the story over and over to the point I was sick. From *mod edit*, was nothing but hell. I quit school and started online classes. He got to stay at school. He was found not guilty and the judge completely bashed me. Called me manipulative and a liar pretty much. It kills me because I had a CONFESSION from this guy. He admitted he raped me and I recorded it. I was told he only admitted it because he was in love with me. I went home. *mod edit* nearly a year later he breaks the restraining order and starts liking my photos on instagram. I called the cops and I requested to see a different judge. This one locked him up for a few days. *mod edit* was the last day I stepped foot in a court room. So almost a year ago. A lot has happened since then. I graduated highschool and start college Monday. He got kicked out of his adoptive parents house because apparently he gave his cousin a hickey on vacation and his parents beat the crap out of him and he called child protective services on them. He then moved in with his adoptive brother and his wife, got kicked out of there for unknown reasons. Then he moved back with his birth mother. He hadn't seen her since he was 9. I talked to her on the phone and she was extremely nice. Nothing like this adoptive mother in which she went around calling me a liar and harassing me. His adoptive mother said her son came to her and admitted what he did to me. She kept apologizing. She said she tried to get him help but he wouldn't take it so she had to kick him out. She said his behavior was awful, and he got fired from his job for apparently sexually harassing a girl. Not assault but harassing. I kept in contact with him because in my mind, it's the only thing that made the situation seem not as bad as it was. It made me feel normal in a way, like it wasn't so terrible. All of these events took place around this time of year, August-Christmas. And now I've began having feelings like it's happening all over again. I guess they're flashbacks maybe? A certain smell will have me in tears, or a song. I can't even use certain shampoos I used back then because they remind me too much. I remember how bad I felt over the holidays for the last 2 years and now I hate them. I hate Christmas music I hate decorations I hate anything that reminds me of how I felt. I literally feel like I'm losing it and cracking up. It's not even so much being raped anymore, it's how I was treated by the courts and how awful I felt. I remember wanting nothing more than to die. I feel almost like I'm living in the moment all over again even though I know it's over. Plus I start class Monday and I feel like maybe that's triggering this too since all this stuff happened at a school. I can't enjoy my life. I barely have friends. I just want to sleep and forget everything, I can't go on like this anymore

Sorry you're going through this, and also that your post was not answered earlier. The trauma forum sometimes has not a lot of activity compared to the assault forum.

I think I understand what you're feeling, and you are absolutely not crazy, in fact what you feel is common and not unexpected, given what happened to you.. There is obviously trauma associated from the assault, but that can be assigned to the one assailant, whom you have the power to avoid and thus reduce the possible triggers. But there is an additional trauma associated with your experiences seeking justice, and in some ways that is worse because it involves the justice system and society in general. Far more difficult to live your life in that case, because you can't really avoid society, and to not be believed or be dismissed like you were, is very devastating to your faith in the world. It does a lot of damage and the symptoms of that are just as you describe, everything reminds you of it and you don't feel that things will go well or work out, you just want to withdraw.

You have to resist those urges though, and realize that the world can be a good place where you can be happy again. From your description of the guy's life, it's very clear that he is a dufus and a serial offender, and you were telling the truth from the beginning. So you have to take comfort in the knowledge that he is proving you right with everything he does, even though it didn't help your case.

Then you have to recognize that not everyone is like that, but you can't have good experiences unless you get out there and allow yourself to have them. I know that's really hard when you feel triggered by so many things, but you have to make good memories to replace the bad ones, that's a big part of how you heal.

In dealing with the things that trigger you, there are PTSD grounding techniques that you might look into that would help. I don't know if you've ever had professional or adequate care after your assault, but if you're at school, they should have counseling resources available to you . They can help with the triggering and PTSD as well. I think it wouldn't hurt to have that support system in place, and someone to talk to, while getting back into the school environment again..

You mentioned that you started school this week, I hope that went well and I think it's terrific that you're continuing with your education and your life. It's hard but it's also exactly what you should be doing. If you don't yet feel comfortable with personal relationships, you can still do things in a group setting, and college is an ideal place for that, with so many people around that will share your interests.

Main thing is, don't give up or give in. You did nothing wrong and should not be the one who is suffering. If you start feeling down, are triggered or have flashbacks, talk to someone about it, your counselor or your friends, you don't have to deal with it alone. You had a bad experience with the courts, but not everyone will be like that, I think most people hearing your story would be sympathetic and empathetic.

I really hope you will, and that things go well for you this semester. You can post back here at any time as well, there are some really good people here that will help. And please remember to take care of yourself, you are what's most important!