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My story, I guess ?

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My story, I guess ?

Postby AliceQuinn50 » Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:35 pm

Hello everyone,
I don't really know if this is the right place to post but I'm really starting to loose my mind on this...Let's get things straight, I was raped and physically hurt by a pedophile when I was twelve. Since then things have gotten ugly, and it's only getting worse. I'm obviously traumatized, I'm afraid of grown men, can't talk to strangers anymore, I've got flashbacks etc...I'm treated by a psychiatrist and a psychologist but thisis not really important. After my rape, I started to behave weirdly, my emotions started to fade away and now they're completly gone...I cannot feel a thing. Then I started to have these urges to be violent, to kill things...I know it's awful but I killed 47 chickens only for my own pleasure...I know it's ###$ up but ...I need help because those urges are starting to get more powerful and less bearable...I'm afraid of what I could do and I know it would be messed up...If anyone had the same problem please notify me.. I'm scared, I don't want to become a monster.
Hoping someone can help me,
Alice.
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Re: My story, I guess ?

Postby Terry E. » Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:30 am

Welcome and sorry you are here.

I think for many of us who have not seen justice, have seen how unfair the world can be, there is an element of anger. For some of us it can become overpowering. I am helping a young man who is now serving 33 year non parole for killing his abuser. If anything all it proved was that society does not understand.

Being emotionally dead can be our normal. Hell for some of us we only guess what "normal is" because our world has always been this way. Nose first broken before I was of an age to remember. What was my normal was insane. I am pretty emotionally dead but that is my normal.

Do you have any support?
Is there anyone you can talk to that has been there themselves?
Have you been to any survivor victims workshops?
About how old were you when this became a severe issue ??
What are like at parties crowds weddings etc ??

can you tell us which country you are from?

and my anger is why I am here. I feel that I must do something.
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Re: My story, I guess ?

Postby AliceQuinn50 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 1:27 pm

Hi, and thanks for the fast answer as well,
I'll try to answer your questions with as much details as possible.
First: The support. I've got a lot of support from my best friend, who is surely the greatest person I know, whitout her I'd be dead right now, she's really understanding and she tries her best to help as much as she can. But we live 3 hours away from each other and it's sometimes pretty hard to cope with my urges...
Secondly: Someone who has been there. Fortunately I do not know someone who's been in the same situation, my parents often try to understand the way I think about the events but they don't seem to be really good at it, as for the survivors workshops, I'm living in a small town in France and I'm too young to afford a trip to the nearest survivor group which is nearly 2 hours away from my place. I'm still in highschool so I have a hard time moving...
Thirdly: The way it affects me. I'd say it doesn't really bother me, my social skills are not impaired by the lack of emotions, it's quite the contrary. As for the urges, it's pretty hard to control myself, especially when I see blood or violence before, during and after the urge. In crowds or parties, I'm pretty well, because I like to be around people, it calms me.

Hoping my answers helped you,
Alice.
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Re: My story, I guess ?

Postby Terry E. » Fri Aug 04, 2017 5:59 am

Alice, I really don't know what to say. At your age, the things you can do, are limited. The opportunities to work through them as you get older are much greater.

It is very hard for parents to help in this matter but it sounds like they are trying.

Standard procedure for abuse survivors is to look for joy somewhere in their world. Everything from books to music to sport. Something that absorbs the mind and can bring joy is the goal.

When I first came on these boards there was a Dutch girl Mick, who had a similar back story as your own. She also suffered from anger and dealing with the clash of feelings that such an experience brings. She turned to Judo. It was her path to dealing with it.

I somehow feel I am not offering much. I will however say you have a great life ahead of you, don't let an a@#$ole like that stuff it up by giving into to that anger inappropriately.
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