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TW: Molestation, not sure what else this is called...

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TW: Molestation, not sure what else this is called...

Postby AttemptAtRecovery » Mon May 23, 2016 9:58 am

So...I'm going to attempt to write this out and we'll see how it goes.
I've never blatantly stated this, even through text.
I want to type "I was molested" but it doesn't compute so to speak. I think my brain processes it as "that happened to 13 year old you, not this you." which would make sense since my...as far as I know, right now, she's probably a fragment...Anyway, she holds all the numbness type of feelings when it comes to trauma and that's her only function as far as I know. PTSD symptoms. Anyway...I...She...One of us, was molested. I think (pretty sure) it was actually age 13 or so that it all happened which explains my fragment alter's age and what I'll refer to her as for anonymity here. All I remember is...There was the first incident as far as I know where I was standing near a counter in a kitchen and he brushed his hand against my...backside? I guess is a non vulgar word? I think I gave him a dirty look after. After that, I wouldn't go anywhere alone. I still can't to this day and I'm 19 now. Though I don't feel that way all the time but that's another novel for another forum. But It's been six years?...Wow. Another incident were all those times he'd make suggestive hand signals using his tongue and hands. He'd also walk around with nothing at all but a robe on with his...thing...sticking out or even sit right out in the open and touch it. Then another was when I'd wake up some days with him standing over me or with his hand lightly stroking my chest...Then one time he tried putting his hand...in another area but I pretended to fall back asleep and roll over in my sleep and he laughed to himself and left. I slept really heavily when I was younger whenever I could, possibly because it was rare I felt safe enough to. I remember being too terrified to take a bath because the doors didn't lock and how after awhile, kids at school started noticing and snickering to themselves or make cracks behind my back about me being dirty/unclean. I had my favorite teacher pull me out of class, ask me why my neck was so dirty, then ask if our water wasn't working. I think I told her no, it was fine. But I can't be sure. She told me to go to the bathroom and try to wash my neck. I faintly remember being upset...I think I cried...I'm not sure. I lived in the same house with him until I was about 15. We moved when I was 15 also. I remember practically begging my mom for us to move...faster. I remember desperately wanting out. No one in my family knows about this except my mom and she only knows who, not what. The only people I even tell the full story to are friends and partners. I'm not entirely sure I want anyone to know because I already know of the type of comments and treatment I'm likely to get...Personal questions...Invalidation. Thinking about it, it makes me think I'd literally be putting myself in a situation to be traumatized again...I have frequent nightmares where I'm back in that house that don't stop it seems. I scored 80/85 on a diagnostic thing for PTSD (or specifically C-PTSD) which is 5pts away from being the highest possible score...I just wish this would stop ruining things for me. What more do I have to do? I've talked about it. I'm in therapy. What else needs to happen? Do I need to say it blatantly? Am I not acknowledging it enough? I can't help that though granted the likely DID...I don't know what to do. It's like I'm trapped feeling the effects of something that happened 4-6 years ago...Then there's also not even knowing the cause of my DID entirely/for sure...What do I do...?
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