The indecent proposal I had to accept

I live in Iran, where any relationship between unmarried men and women is banned.

Two years ago, when I was 20, I was walking in a park with my boyfriend, and the religious police ("Moral Security Police" as they call it) arrested us. They took us to the police station. I was afraid not only because of the personal consequences, but also because my family and my boyfriend’s family were very religious and could have punished us harder than the police.

Of course, the officers were not decent people either. Just imagine what kind of person would accept a job like that and arrest innocent boys and girls for a simple friendship.

The officers separated us and made an indecent proposal. I refused at first, but they threatened to beat up and do other things to my boyfriend (the religious police is infamous for raping men as well as women).

I finally accepted, on the condition that they would release both of us, and tell nothing about what I was going to do to my boyfriend.

I did the things they wanted, which were very humiliating. They abused me for about an hour and then finally released us.

When my boyfriend asked me what happened back there, I responded that I just gave them some cash as a bribe. I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

After that I feel dirty and I'm not comfortable with men anymore. I couldn't even continue my relationship with my boyfriend. I just made an excuse and left him, without telling him what had happened.

I am very sorry you had to go through that.

Is any sort of therapy available to you, to help you get over these feelings you have?

Sometimes in life you are in a lose/lose scenario. That appears to be one of them. You were very brave to do what you did. You saved someone you cared about pain and humiliation and took it on yourself.

Lots of respect for you.

As many survivors of rape/sex abuse you may have to carry this yourself, due to the very fundamental views shared by many in your country.

It gets better with time.

Snaga wrote:I am very sorry you had to go through that.

Is any sort of therapy available to you, to help you get over these feelings you have?

No. I haven't told anyone, and I feel that I can't. I can't explain the exact reason, but I wasn't even comfortable writing about it using a pseudonym in Farsi (my country's language), that's why I came to an English forum. Maybe it's because my society blames the victim in such situations.

Terry E. wrote:Sometimes in life you are in a lose/lose scenario. That appears to be one of them. You were very brave to do what you did. You saved someone you cared about pain and humiliation and took it on yourself.

Lots of respect for you.

As many survivors of rape/sex abuse you may have to carry this yourself, due to the very fundamental views shared by many in your country.

It gets better with time.

Thanks. I feel better now that I have wrote about it.

I just can't loose the feeling that I'm a coward for doing it. Maybe those officers were simply bluffing and I could have preserved my dignity by saying no. I may have chosen the easiest solution because of my selfishness (fear of legal punishment and personal consequences if my family found out), cowardice and lack of dignity, not bravery.

Fateme wrote:No. I haven't told anyone, and I feel that I can't. I can't explain the exact reason, but I wasn't even comfortable writing about it using a pseudonym in Farsi (my country's language), that's why I came to an English forum. Maybe it's because my society blames the victim in such situations.

yeah that's what I was afraid of, but I didn't want to automatically assume getting some outside help would be problematical.

Fateme wrote:I just can't loose the feeling that I'm a coward for doing it.

No, I'm with Terry on this. You were in a crap situation and a tight spot, and you had to make a snap decision, and you were scared for your friend. It's far easier to think what you might have done different after the fact, than when you're in the moment. I don't think you were being cowardly.

You had zero time to make a very big decision. If they were not bluffing and from what you know that is not always the case, the consequences were horrendous.

It will not be easy but you will get there. It does get better with time.