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Too much going on in my head

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Too much going on in my head

Postby IDeerInHeadlightsI » Sun Aug 09, 2020 5:38 pm

I've have had substantial trauma including rape.

I have moved past the trauma of my grandfather however I still hold quite a lot of resentment towards my grandmother. Firstly, because she knew it was going on and secondly because she would give us a sermon on how our hearts were black because of original sin. I used to go home crying because I thought God would strike me at any second.

My sister told me to write to her and tell her how I feel, however I am terrified of family backlash. I want her to not pretend to be a saint. To own up to the fact that she knew what was going on and did nothing to prevent it. That did not make her a good wife. That made her a bad mother and a bad grandmother and a terrible human being. But not even half the family believes the four of us it happened to.

Additionally, the gang rape that happened is a recent memory recall and I don't quite know how to handle it. I'm scared of saying anything to anyone due to who the people were for my life and I'm scared to even tell my mom because she will try to take revenge which will only turn out badly for her.

Thirdly, it's hard to distinguish what rape is. One of my ex's had sex with me while I was sleeping after we broke up. Another one of my friends had sex with me when I passed out. I just let these things go.

But I don't feel like I have any case. And they both act normal around me. How do you do these things and just act casual. Like, with my friend, I just pretended I was asleep until it was over. I was so overwhelmed I had no idea what else to do.

I always feel like somehow this is my fault. And it all goes back to the original time it happened when my grandmother in a way blamed us for "seducing" my grandfather.

I always feel like it's my fault. Like, I'm a tease so I deserve it. I'm asking for it.
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Re: Too much going on in my head

Postby Terry E. » Tue Aug 11, 2020 5:47 am

IDeerInHeadlightsI wrote:
My sister told me to write to her and tell her how I feel, however I am terrified of family backlash. I want her to not pretend to be a saint. To own up to the fact that she knew what was going on and did nothing to prevent it. That did not make her a good wife. That made her a bad mother and a bad grandmother and a terrible human being. But not even half the family believes the four of us it happened to.




I am really very sorry that people you trusted treated you that way. I am however not able to advise. Possibly to to someone in a rape crisis centre and they may be able to map out the pros and cons of taking action.

The abuse I can speak about. One of the worst things that happens to a survivor is making them feel that in some way they were responsible for what happened. It damages self esteem, the ability to trust, our childhood sense of fairness. So many things that should become part of our natural matrix of how we live are damaged.

That said I have also seen how families will do whatever they can to preserve the status quo, and pressure the survivor to "get over it", or alienate the survivor if they persist in their claims.

Families should be a wonderful resource for us to lean on through life. For many of us we are better off without them and making contact minimal yet civil. Hate to say it but kind of dissociate when we have to interact.

What is slightly different with you is you said there were four of you. Are they sisters, cousins ? Do you have much contact with them ?
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Re: Too much going on in my head

Postby IDeerInHeadlightsI » Tue Aug 11, 2020 9:33 pm

The one is my mother, the other two are my cousins.

My cousins and I are all in agreement that my grandmother should take responsibility as it was only her, him and one of us in the household more or less.

My mother takes it at a different stance as there were more than 30 people on the farm in her time frame.

We remain in contact. At family gatherings, us cousins bunch together and sort of protect ourselves from the rest. We don't enjoy the pretence and we lean on each other as we find it difficult.

My mother has had a severe impact on my life however over the recent I would say four to five years she made amends and received mental help, however I received a call from her which shocked me to the core where she in a very psychotic manner (similar to how she behaved in the past) demanded a mass amount of money from me.

Off this exact topic but its put me more on edge.

I've been put in touch with free trauma counseling. The lady who is helping me is taking her time though and keeps asking me why the institutional experiences before didn't work.

I was recommended to go back into an institution but due to Covid, my psychiatrist arranged home care but I may need to go if the counseling doesn't work. My clinical psychologists rates are unaffordable at the moment for more than once a month. I need at least twice weekly.
Not A Happy Bunny Syndrome
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Re: Too much going on in my head

Postby Terry E. » Wed Aug 12, 2020 9:44 am

So sorry to hear those details. How one man can damage so any lives. How does a woman lie to herself like your grandmother. That one I have always puzzled at.

I know your mum gives you grief, but how she has not gone quite mad is beyond me. Guilt and pain at so many levels, not much room for unconditional love and support.

Your grandfather deserves a special place in hell.

Support each other, as best you can.
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