Desire to relive rape. How to stop it? *Trigger Warning!*

Hello,

i am a child abuse victim, which happened over 20 years ago. My sexual live was non-existant for most of that time. However, I have had this urge to get raped again, really anything to experience something similar. In my mind the thought is, "if i choose to meet someone who will use me however he wishes too, than my previous rape experience becomes less important, as I am freely choosing to let something happen to my body". There are days, where I feel ok. But on other days, this desire to have no control, to get used by someone and to have to follow their command, whatever that may be, just grows.
From time to time, I do chat online with people on bdsm forums, where I present myself as a sex slave.
One time I did meet with a stranger, who I had only chatted with, under the following conditions: that he can use me however he wants, with the only limits beeing no fire, needle and electricity. I went to his place, without knowing anything about him, not who he was, what he looked like or what was about to happen. I knew it was risky, and I didn't mention to anyone, where I was going. As I had no idea how I would tell the setting to a friend: "hey, I'm going to xxx-street to replay sexual abuse." In any case, it was a bad idea to go and he didn't even use a comdomn, which I disliked, but it wasn't my place to decide.
I had hoped, that this urge to relive these abuse scenes, would stop after doing it once, but it doesn't. And I know that I shouldn't give in again and try it again, as it is risky. I am lucky I didn't get any infections from that last time.

How can I get this to stop and get to a place of leading a more normal sexual life?

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Other than online virtual worlds and chat rooms where you can live this out- which may or may not be enough to keep doing it for real at bay, I'm not sure how to curb the desire to act on this in the real world. Have you talked with a therapist about this? Have you had any partners you've told this to, that might help to role-play these things out with?

Ordinarily, PF has a prohibition against outright paraphilias, but this is fuzzy enough I think we can talk about it in the context of your sexual abuse. It's not unheard of for sexual abuse victims to have conflicting feelings or desires to somehow take control of it. I had... very (stress, 'very') limited (that I can remember- sometimes I wonder about repressed memories) experience at being lightly abused/groomed, and I know it still affects my sexual psyche, as relatively inconsequential (compared to most the stories we see here) as it was. Much less anything that involved some serious sexual abuse.

There are a variety of ways individuals may try to (consciously or not) reenact trauma, you're describing one of them.

It's rare for it to have a positive outcome, and mastery is not going to happen in the form of trying to get yourself raped.

More often, it causes more trauma on top of current trauma.

Rape and genuine disregard is very different than online or in real life sexual role play.

Competent professional help (someone who has a thorough understanding of trauma).

Things like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), etc

Look up those terms as well as complex-PTSD, if you aren't already familiar with them.

It can be trial and error, it is not an overnight process, something will eventually start to help you.

If you're determined to "reenact," I hope you go "harm reduction style" and do something like decide to seek out role play (BDSM / whatever) through someone more professional than a random stranger like what you've described.

^ and use a condom with strangers, the $#%^ show that comes from trauma isn't a life sentence, but some STDs and babies are - and I doubt abortions are too pleasant either.

At times, individuals actively reenact past traumas...

a means of achieving mastery: a traumatized individual reenacts a trauma in order to remember, assimilate, integrate, and heal from the traumatic experience...

... reenactments and reexposure to trauma rarely result in resolution and mastery...

Some of these efforts are adaptive resolutions of earlier traumas; others, however, are reflective of a maladaptive process and can lead to continued revictimization and difficulties...

...reenactments often lead to revictimization and related feelings of shame, helplessness, and hopelessness...

Consequently, an important goal of treatment is facilitating an understanding and control of reenactments.

A Helpful Way to Conceptualize and Understand Reenactments
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articl ... o=0.833333

Snaga wrote:Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Other than online virtual worlds and chat rooms where you can live this out- which may or may not be enough to keep doing it for real at bay, I'm not sure how to curb the desire to act on this in the real world. Have you talked with a therapist about this? Have you had any partners you've told this to, that might help to role-play these things out with?

Hello,

I've tried talking about it with a therapist. The issue was, my therapist just said, that she cannot support and work with me if I were to relive such a scene, as there are too many risks. Therefore that ended up beeing a topic, we didn't talk about anymore in therapy.

So far I have not been brave enough to talk about these experiences and desires with any of my partners. However, in my last 2 year long relationship, I had introduced Shibari, a rope bondage style, into our relationship, which got my partner absolutely hooked. During those times, I would feel safe, could let go and had none of those darker desires.

The other desires got worse again, after I ended that relationship.

Maybe that's the way to go: To try and roleplay with a partner.

I would think that would be the way to go, yes... the safest way, anyway. Also the least damaging- even if you go into virtual worlds and live things out vicariously, via an avatar, can become extremely addicting, costing untold money and hours spend glued to the screen. That's not a way to go, either. Finding a partner that understands, I think is the best option, short of finding a sympathetic therapist.

There are fetish-oriented social networks... that sounds... risky, but mostly because I don't know much about them. I don't know what they entail as far as actually meeting someone to be with, a significant other, rather than just hookups for kinky play. Me suspects Fetlife ain't exactly E-Harmony....

please consult a therapist. I was in therapy for a year n half, n now to some extent I have control over my thoughts.

my fantasies aren't as abusive now as they were earlier.

A safe reenactment might help break the spell that it has on you and answer the terrible questions that you were left with after the trauma occurred.
Violent and stressing events in our past can be internalized in ways we don't understand. It is the mind's defense mechanism to handle things that are too intense or terrible to fathom. They often result later in fancies or fetishes.
I hope that you can eventually make peace with this and move on. It may always be with you and have certain power over you and you might have to integrate it into who you are (to some extent). It may always be a part of you, but it doesn't have to define you.
I was ashamed at having my interest piqued or being aroused by things that are considered distasteful and harming in polite society.
I relived the event and formed a new perspective about it through safe support. I can continue living my life one day at a time. Less haunted by what happened and more at peace with myself and others.
Best of luck to you.