Still struggle with whether it was rape or my own fault.

I drinking at home one night, and one of my guy friends brought me the last one I had. He was not drinking, but he had been making all my drinks. After the last one I blacked out or passed out and came to undressed on my roommate's bed. The guy was there, talking to me like normal, explaining that they had had to put me in the tub because my vitals had crashed and that's why I was undressed, but after a few minutes I suddenly found I couldn't move or speak anymore. As soon as he knew I was unresponsive, he undressed and started repositioning me without another word. I could still blink and produce tears, and when I did that, he looked absolutely enraged and bit me so hard it broke the skin in a few places, presumably to make sure I was still immobilized. When I still didn't move, he relaxed, sort of smirked down at me, and then penetrated me.

The next day when I tried to ask him why the fact that I wasn't moving hadn't clued him that there was something seriously wrong, he again got angry and got in my face, saying that whether I remembered it or not, I had consented earlier, that he hadn't raped me and I better not try to say he had. I was so scared that I backed down and said I knew he wouldn't do that, that I just wasn't clear on what had happened and was trying to understand it from his point of view. I never reported it because I thought if he was right and I did consent, then it didn't matter what he put in that last glass (it was likely ketamine going by the effects it had), and I didn't want to make a false accusation. All I knew for certain was that I never said no, although I had consistently turned down his advances during the months before. This was in the mid-90s and the thinking was even more twisted then than it is now. I wasn't even sure I'd been drugged or what it was until the internet matured enough for me to research it years later.

@Snaga-- Thanks, and I'm sorry for what you and your friend went through. It's terrible how many of us experience things like this, but I'm so glad that now we have ways to come together and support each other this way. The online community can be incredibly helpful. The assault never became part of my fantasy life, it's always been more about denial and self-doubt/blame for me, and driving myself nuts trying to fill in the blanks, etc.

As for him, no rap sheet, but I do know he is no longer hurting anyone else. I don't know if I was a one-off or if there were others before or after me, but I came across his obituary last summer online and it turns out he died in 2016 at the age of 45. I have no idea what happened, it just said he died in a certain hospital on a certain day. I may have been the only person he assaulted, but I am certain there are a myriad of people in his life that he hurt badly in one way or another. I think karma caught up to him where the law couldn't. I feel for his mother, she wrote a lot on the obit and I know she's hurt, it's her child after all, but for me I'm just relieved I never have to worry about seeing him again. I hate to be happy someone's dead, it feels wrong, but in this case I think it's understandable.

Hello,

There is this great little cartoon that you can find on youtube called "tea for consent." It's very light-hearted but it really drives home what consent is. You did not consent. It was rape. It wasn't your fault. That's it, it's not debatable. I highly recommend watching the video. I put the link below. I don't know if that's ok. Sorry if not mods.

https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8

Take care of yorself

Jen, I am only a Blue Mod but I think that says it all very well..