20th anniversary *t*

Trigger warning



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Today is the 20th anniversary of being abducted from a car park and r’d. They recorded the. They stripped me. They tied me to some shelves. I can still see the room. I can smell the room. There was a cardboard box to the left of me. They took turns. They used ‘toys’. They untied me and held me face down on a desk. It hurt so much. They laughed at me. I can hear them laughing. I can feel them touching me. I’m back in that room. I remember it being a sunny, but cool day, a bit like today. I kept checking my watch. I was going to get a parking fine. I didn’t want a fine. I wanted them to stop.

They returned me to my car. I was very distressed and confused. I didn’t know where I was, but I did. I used that car park all of the time.

I wasn’t believed by the police. ‘R’s don’t happen in blah on a busy Saturday afternoon, especially not on a match day’.

It did happen. As did everything else.

I can’t stop crying just now.

I got a phone call from my GP practice to say I have a pelvic infection. All it has done is confirm how disgustingly vile I am. I’m not sure why I’m posting this, but I am. Sorry

Smurf stay strong today. When I joined here years ago I knew nothing really about rape and sex abuse. People like you who are brave enough to tell your story and will not go away will actually change the agenda. It will take time and will not change how terribly you have been treated but you are part of the solution because you have shown people like me that I need to do something. I am and I will.

I didn’t lie then and I have NOT lied about the recent stuff. I didn’t lie.

I feel so vile, disgusting, dirty, humiliated and ashamed. More than anything I HATE myself more than words can ever express.

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