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I think I was sexually assaulted in my childhood?

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I think I was sexually assaulted in my childhood?

Postby puppykins » Sat Jun 23, 2018 6:59 am

Before this event, I'm pretty sure I already had an interest in sexual things like masturbating, but nothing too openly disturbing. But my chronological order of things is a little muddled, since it was so far back, so only like 70% positive. Anyway, I just remembered 3 days ago about this event where this maybe 17 year old looking guy or young adult gave me an oral when I was around 6 years old. It hurt a lot, but I think I didn't end up moving and I'm sure I didn't say anything. And then he hugged me in somewhat of a sexual position. That's all I'm absolutely sure I remembered. I didn't know any of it was wrong. I also think he was wearing green pants. But everything else like my thoughts during that time is questionable. I don't remember anything else, like him coming over again or how we got in the position in the first place or why no one was there. I asked my parents and apparently I had 4-5 nannies sometimes watch over me, but they didn't remember this other guy who watched me for a little bit so it makes me question their memory of those who probably only looked after me a few times. Anyway, I don't think I suppressed this memory because I remembered it a few times in my childhood and pre-teens but disregarded it. And again, I didn't know how truly bad of a situation it was except it hurt for some reason. I finally paid attention to this memory 3 days ago, and knowing more now as a 15 year old, I'm scared. I'm not one to be depressed, so this was the first time I really felt a sinking feeling. It got in the way of my happiness a lot and I haven't had good sleep at all. And now I'm wondering if it could have been a dream? I remember this other dream with my cousin and I thought it was real for a long time and it made me really weary of my cousin, but I finally paid attention to that dream too and decided it definitely did not happen. So could it be in the same situation? But this event is more questionable, being it a stranger and different setting. The pain and event feels so vivid to me sometimes, that I'm convinced it's true at times (and I end up making up thoughts that I'm convinced I thought during the event but I'm not very positive is actually true), especially at night when my sensitivity is off the rockets. Other times, it doesn't sound true, like it pulls away and I just can't feel it being true. Is that me denying it or me being realistic about it? When I feel it's real, am I scaring myself into thinking that it really was real? Is that a possible reason of it being so vivid? I'm so scared. Thoughts please?
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Re: I think I was sexually assaulted in my childhood?

Postby Jen123 » Mon Aug 12, 2019 8:18 pm

I hope I'm not giving you bad advice here but I'll let you in on how I am coming to peace with broken peices of memories that I don't understand and don't even know are true. First, I will say that I had a true repressed memory come back to me. I know that was real because my mom confirmed it. I had another I think was true. It fits with the weird $#%^ that was happening that night but no one saw exactly what I saw. So, those are like " repressed memories" that for me were triggered and came back so vivid and real, like pictures. More often there are memories that I haven't paid attention to for awhile, even a long time. That sounds like what what you're describing. Memories I haven't paid attention to I think of as in the periphery and one has to turn the head to see them. They just aren't in the concious awareness, but they're there. Sometimes it's just pieces. For me not knowing the whole story can ne very upsetting but with my therapist and lots of time ( because I have 20 years on you, lol) this is what I've come to that helps me:

1. If I think something could have happened then it likely speaks to an environment that would have allowed it, which says a lot. It means for me that the environment was so neglectful and dangerous that it led to a situation where something like that could happen otherwise it's unlikely I would think that it might.

2. I have accepted that I will not necessarily ever know what happened. This is because I was so young that I didn't know what sex was. I could not have stored these memories within a context that makes sense to an adult who would know what was happening.

3. I have accepted that I cannot know others intentions. That's pretty much something I've learned in all of life, but knowing abusers motives is important to survivors and it is often beyond our reach.

4. I was likely dissociated at the time. This means that I may not have made memories or they are stored in pieces. I may not be able to put the pieces together into a picture without holes. But you can think about taking a step back and appreciating the whole picture. Then you will likely see the overall picture even if there are gaps.

For me it's hard sometimes not to know things for certain but not knowing IS the truth if you're not sure. I've had the experience that not pushing helps tremendously with accepting what may have happened in the long run. This is because I'm only accepting what I remember in the context I remember it and that makes it easier for me to accept. Also, adults want clear, solid accounts along with details and possibly a motive for a story to be judged to be true. However, our young selves were not adults and will likely not have the ability to provide these things. Also, this is true with rape and assault at all ages which is a big problem for adults as well. But what I'm getting at is that I think of these memories as if they were coming from a child telling me something bad happened. They don't know the details, or why, or what it meant. It was just bad. If it was my child I would believe them even if they didn't know the details. I would not require the same understanding from a child as from an adult. That's what I'm dealing with is a young child say "this happened and that happened. I dont know why." So it's so important for me to be compssionate and not disbelieving to my young self even if they don't know what happened exactly.

So idk if that will help you but that's what I've been working on that has helps me.
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