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Was it rape?

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Was it rape?

Postby Patient2981 » Wed Jun 20, 2018 12:17 pm

Sorry this is kinda long but...

It happened about 3 months ago.
I had been dating this guy that I liked very much but he had a lot of issues and it had not been going too well. He would often disappear on me and the come back and apologize and it was just a vicious cycle.
3 months ago I was alone at home and I had told him he could come over and cuddle with me if he wanted to but at this point I hadn't heard from him in two weeks so I never expected him to come.
He calls me the next morning at 8:30 and tells me to let him in and I was too tired to think so I just did and went back to bed. He came inside and into my bed and we cuddled for a while. He asked me to take my top off which I didn't think was a big deal so I did. I wanted to go to sleep but he didn't so he insisted on us watching a movie in the living room. We go to watch a movie and before you know it we are making out. At some point he asks if he can take is jeans off and I said yes since he was wearing shorts underneath. Then he sits back down and this time he gets more aggressive in the make out session. He starts going down my pants and I tell him to stop. But he just says he is horny and wants me to be horny too.
I was pretty mad at that point and told him that it was not cool not talking to me for two weeks and then this is the first thing he tries.
He stops for a while but then starts again, I try to push his hand away but he tells me to stop messing with his hand. I had always been clear with him that I did not want sex, I wanted to save it for marriage and he said he understood that and would never push me into it. So although he was trying all this stuff I thought at least he won't go as far as sex because we talked about that a few times before.
He asks me to remove my underwear and I say no but then he somehow gets them off of me.
He then stops for a while and we talk a little bit about this and then he asks me to have sex. I say no, he asks again and I say no. He then says he will ask me once again and then never mention it and I tell him he knows I want to wait. He tries to sleep for a while and then stands upp and asks me to come to the bedroom. I say I am only going if we are sleeping and he says "sure".
When we get to the bedroom I lie down and he starts to ask if he can take is shorts off but before I can answer he takes them off and now we are both naked.
He goes on top of me and I become really stressed and tell him this is not happening. I try to reason and say he doesn't even have a condom and he says he will just "pull out". I tell him that doesn't work and I don't want to become pregnant. So he starts saying he has undergone surgery to take care of it so I can't get pregnant but I am not really believing him. He tried to kiss me and I was really stressed about where his penis was at this point and try to push it away to say he is not gonna be putting it in me. He just kisses me and tells me to put my hands around his neck. This keeps going and I have trouble remembering the details of the time sequence of everything but all of a sudden he is rubbing his penis against me and before I know he just pushes it in. I was so shocked and it hurt so much I couldn't think. I told him it hurt but he just kept going and said it was because I am a virgin.
When it stopped hurting so much I remember thinking maybe I should just let him finish but then I decided no and told him to stop and pull it out. After asking two or three times he slows down but doesn't stop and asks me if I am sure and I say yes. Then he finally stops lies down says "I'm sorry" and goes to sleep. I say "it's okay" because I wasn't sure what had just happened.
When he leaves later he was so angry with me and didn't talk to me for another month.

I went and saw a therapist but I still am not sure if this is called rape? I don't know why I didn't just tell him to leave or why I wasn't more angry when he didn't stop feeling me up. And I have no clue why I thought it would be okay to go to my bed naked with him just because he wasn't naked yet. I don't know, a part of me says that I was really clear, I mean I said no a billion times and indicated I didn't want this but maybe my body was giving off different signals which made this unclear?
He knew how sex was a big deal for me and it was like he didn't even care about my comfort, if I was hurting or if this was okay, he wasn't gentle at all in my opinion. And if I had changed my mind last minute would it have been too much trouble for him to just ask me if I was sure this was okay before just going for it?
I just honestly don't know what to think about this whole situation. I don't even know if this qualifies as me losing my virginity or not, or if this was rape or a misunderstanding? Or if it even is rape if he didn't get to finish?
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Re: Was it rape?

Postby avatar123 » Fri Jun 22, 2018 9:27 am

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Yes, it was absolutely rape, you could not have been more clear that you didn't want sex. I think he came over with sex in mind and wasn't going to leave until he got what he wanted. That's why he was so aggressive and disregarded your requests that he stop. But it's your body, and he doesn't get to decide what happens to it. He basically took your virginity without your consent. That is the very definition of rape.

As far as your behavior, please realize that he used pretty common coercive tactics, that were unfortunately effective. You basically ask for something (intercourse) where you know the answer will be no, initially. Then you suggest a lesser thing as a "reasonable" alternative or "compromise" (topless). You leverage the other person's social desire to cooperate or please or avoid conflict. If the lesser goal is successful, then you repeat the process again, asking for something a little more advanced each time. Eventually you create the circumstances that allow you to get what you initially wanted, by converting each objection into a compromise. You also assure the other person each time that you agree to their concerns and requests, and won't do the thing that's objected to, while simultaneously having that as your express goal, and manipulating the other person towards it.

One advantage of this approach is that you can say afterwards that the other person must have wanted it, otherwise they would not have agreed to the series of lesser steps. It's the kind of thing that rape defense attorneys love. You can even convince the other person of this, which gets you off the hook entirely. You've then successfully violated someone without the appearance of doing so (imply that the survivor consented, or is to blame if they didn't).

This doesn't work as well on strong-willed people, or people who have experienced it before. They recognize the escalation game and refuse to play, ending it immediately. But on the inexperienced or trusting, it can be effective. When it comes to sex, the target group overlaps with the desirable group: young, inexperienced, nice, and well-mannered. In other words, vulnerable.

You have every right to be upset about this, it was an assault which he tried to pull off as a normal interaction between boyfriend and girlfriend. But he never cared about you or what you wanted, which would be expected and required in a normal relationship. His anger at you was only because you stopped him before he finished, not because you did anything wrong, or are in any way responsible for his actions.

A person who would do this is bad news, so I hope he is no longer part of your life. I also hope you understand you don't have to put up with that type of behavior, you deserve far better and there are plenty of other people who would value you enough to provide it. You have every right to insist on that, and require it of them. I hope you will.
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