I'm unsure if I was touched inappropriately as a child

I have never written before in this kind of forum, I am writing here because I have no one I can talk to about this and I would really appreciate some input. Please be warned that there are triggers about incest and inappropriate sexual conduct. Please feel free to reply anything you want as long as it is nice and not insulting.

I have suddenly "connected the dots" regarding certain events that started when I was about 6 or 7 years old.

* Memory: I have always remembered an incident where my father fondled my butt (the butt cheeks) when I was 6/7/8. I remember it from two different point of views simultaneously, and I am not sure which one is true: (1) I remember him sitting in a round chair facing the mirror, me standing to his left, and him fondling my butt cheeks gently (he did not touch the butt hole). I remember it as if we were both looking at the mirror while he was doing it. (2) I remember it as if he was sitting in the round chair facing the mirror, but I was standing in front of him facing the wall, and while he was touching me I just kept quiet and looked at the wall.

* Fact: When I was about 11 or 12 years old I touched my younger brother (younger than me by 3 years) inappropriately. I do not remember how we reached this situation but I know for sure he was laying on his stomach on the couch and I was sitting on top of him or kneeling by his side and fondling his butt cheeks. I remember it aroused me sexually. For some reason my father woke up and before he reached the living room we quickly parted, he came and told us to go to sleep I think. I feel very very guilty about this to this day and feel I have hurt my brother very badly, what I did to him was not normal. I don't know if he remembers this or not.

* Fact: When I was about 12 or 13 years old I told one friend at the time that my father touched my butt when I was a child.

* Fact: When I was about 13 or 14 years old my mother told me to stop wearing short shorts, including at home. I am not sure if this is because I was a bit overweight or because of another reason.

* Fact: When I was 14 a friend told me that I told him while severely intoxicated from consuming a lot of alcohol that my father touched me when I was 3 years old. I have no recollection of this, and at the time I remember thinking that it's not true and he did not touch me when I was 3 years old.

* Fact: I remember being very angry about the whole incident where my father fondled my butt and I remember using tennis as a way to let out aggression. From the age of 14 I started drinking very heavily, smoking a LOT of weed, trying other drugs at times, being very very sexual and promiscuous. I was also sexually harassed two times, when I was 14 and when I was 16 (14-an older man gave me weed for the first time and kissed me, wanted to have sex with me but I managed to get away, 16-a cab driver touched my private parts above clothes during the drive, I was severely drunk and very scared) due to circumstances where I was vulnerable because I was intoxicated.

* Fact: Last year, when I was 24, me and my father were standing in the kitchen (a lot of family members where in the living room) and without warning he spanked me on my ass intentionally. I did not respond and we did not talk about it ever.

* Fact: When me and my father went on a short weekend together to London we slept in the same room with separate beds. Later I found out that he did not tell my mother that we shared one room (they are divorced but still talk in a friendly manner especially about the children, my brother and I). A short amount of time after we talked and she discovered we shared only one room and I discovered that he did not tell her about this she threw a sentence during one conversation and said "you don't have to spread yourself all over him" (rough translation from my language. it means being touchy-feely).

Ever since I have connected the dots I am extremely upset and am not sure what to think about all of this and what to do. I have a very complicated personality, am prone to being dramatic, self-destructive, addictions, impulsive and so on. I am not sure if I remember things correctly or not, if I'm unconsciously making a big deal and an issue out of nothing (I also have this tendency).

My mind can't grasp the fact that perhaps this is all true. How can this all be true if my father and I and my brother and I have never ever talked about this? Is it possible that my father has assumed I have forgotten? We have a very GOOD relationship, we talk about a lot of things, also personal things, I seek his advice on major life decisions, I look up to him as he is very intelligent and very successful. He is there for me when I need him, for example he has kindly been giving me money all my life until now, so I can be a student, he pays for everything so I can concentrate on my studies and succeed in life.

I don't understand how to make sense of all of this because if for example we state that my memory of my father touching me is false (I created it based on things other than reality), why did I touch my brother in the same body area? How did I get that idea and notion of being turned on by touching another person's butt? Also with male partners I liked to touch their butts and I liked the fact that they enjoyed it but were also shy and embarrassed about it.
I really don't know what to do because I perceive my father as a very warm, loving and good man and I don't understand how I am supposed to carry on with life as usual if all of this is true. I actually regret connecting the dots and wish I hadn't. Do you think he sexually abused me? Or maybe it's normal for fathers to pet their child's butt when they are little?
P.S. I am a psychology student and thus am very very skeptical of relying on my memories regarding childhood abuse. On the other hand, this memory has been with me since the age of 12 or 13. What do you think?

This is very very personal for me so please be kind in your comments.

hi rebecca789789,

i want to tell you a story. back when i was young there was a village shop that i went to almost every day. there was a lady there that used to serve me. she was one of those very bubbly types. always laughing. always joking. she was the life and soul of the place. anyway, the shop changed hands on a couple of occasions, and the last time it happened the new owners decided that they could run it all by themselves and let her go. and all the regulars that only went there because of her went with her. and the shop eventually closed for good. so, she found another job in town at a café. i don't think she'd been there long when a customer became upset about something. she touched him in an attempt to comfort him. and he claimed that she'd assaulted him and got her sacked.

now, my next little bit of context is about pets. oh yes, pets. people love their pets. and the name is very telling. it derives from the word pet, as in to pet or touch. other apes (and monkeys) still have all their hair. we've lost most of ours. and the way that they form bonds is through grooming. now, as a little aside, we've even managed to put a negative connotation on that word. but i digress. back to pets. the real attraction of pets is that we can touch them without there being any ambiguity about our motives. we've become so phobic about touching each other precisely because it's too easy for such actions to be perceived as sexual. the thing is, we may have lost most of our hair but we certainly haven't lost the desire to touch and be touched.

so, within that context, let's now have a look at your story.

worst case, what your father did was ambiguous. best case it was benign. and it doesn't appear to have been repeated, which one might expect if it were malevolent. as such, i'm very doubtful there was any intent on his behalf to sexually assault you.

perhaps you did copy this with your brother. children explore their environment and relationships. and they explore their sexuality too. but like touching other people, society has made this something to get hung-up about.

honestly, i think that you're getting yourself into a tailspin over nothing. do you really want to potentially ruin your wonderful relationship with your father over something that you're not even sure about, and even if you were was in all likelihood completely innocent. and i imagine that your brother doesn't even remember what you did to him. and if he does, i almost guarantee you that he doesn't think that you sexually assaulted him.

my advice: forget about this. whatever really happened here wasn't that significant, and no good will come of digging it up and raking it over publicly.

and, by the way, i didn't even think that this was worthy of a trigger warning, though i may yet get over-ruled on that.

very best wishes,

shock (the monkey).

Disregard anyone who tries to make you think you can't interpret behaviour as inappropriate or feel upset about it.

At this moment it's not even relevant as to what you described qualified as - what is relevant is that it's upsetting to you.

The way you describe your parents, they've incorporated you into their issues. It's quite unlikely either intended to harm you with the dynamic (I'm not qualified to call it abuse or not) but obviously it's disturbing you
- Go talk to a professional (counsellor therapist etc) about it.
- Present your information the same unbaised way you have here- there's nothing wrong with that.