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Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

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Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby LonelyVictim » Tue Feb 20, 2018 2:42 am

After a lot of thought and talking to some good friends of mine (some who had helped guide me to get help), I think I want to report my rapist. I'm just very scared, because he was a friend of mine from college. He had sexually assaulted me in November, but we continued to be friends, and we actually turned into friends with benefits at one point, which is where it turned bad. I put down below a brief description of my rapes, because I want justice and IM scared that this inst enough to go to court for, especially because we did engage in consensual sex sometimes. HOWEVER, he did threaten me and my other friends with a knife when we tried to tell his new girlfriend what he did to me.

*THE RAPES*
1.
We were fooling around naked and he slipped into me, and as soon as I felt it, I said "no", very firmly. I remember feeling tight, both down there and in my chest. He said "sorry" and kissed me again, but didn't remove himself from me for another few minutes.

2.
This is how I lost my virginity. We were having sex for the first time, we had talked about if I had any uncertainty or was uncomfortable he would stop. He entered me, we went for about 3 minutes, and I felt awkward. I said "stop". He slowed his speed, still pumping, and asked "are you sure?". I said "yes" and he stopped.

3.
This one was the worst. We were having consensual sex one morning and I reached to stroke his torso, and he took my hand and forced it down on the bed above my head. He took my other hand the same way and held both my hands above my head tightly by my wrists. I laid there silent, and when I tried to kiss him he would push my hands back down. When he was "finishing", he released my hands and grabbed my shoulders and forced myself onto him painfully until he was done.
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Re: Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby smurf » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:02 pm

Hi LV.

Only you can make the decision to report or not. Ultimately it will come down to your word against his. He should definitely have stopped when you said ‘stop’ and ‘no’. The police however like evidence and proof. I’m not saying don’t report it, but it is a difficult process. It is very difficult mentally and emotionally. That said he violated you and have rights. Maybe talking to someone from your local SARC (Sexual Assault Referal Centre) could guide and help you with the whole process. Rape crisis might also be able to help guide you on this, as would a specially trained cop. In my area they are called ‘solo’ (sexual offences liasion officer).

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
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Re: Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby avatar123 » Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:23 am

Smurf has given you excellent advice. If you talk to the police, they can advise you on whether he can be charged, and if so, what to realistically expect in terms of the process and outcome. It is a difficult thing to go through. Some people feel violated all over again.

There are only two defenses against a sexual assault charge. One is that the encounter never happened, the other is that it was consensual. So his attorney will choose one of those, and that is how they will go after your story. It helps for you to be prepared for that.

One way to look at it is, at a minimum, the police will become aware of him, which might help someone else down the road. So for that reason alone, it may be worthwhile.

If the police interview him, that might flip a switch in his head, that he can't safely behave like that. But if he threatened you with a knife, you have to think about your welfare too. How will he react? This would be something to make sure the police understand, before they talk to him.

As Smurf said, only you can decide what is best for you. There is no fault in your decision, either way. It's really about your well-being.
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Re: Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby LonelyVictim » Sat Feb 24, 2018 2:02 am

smurf wrote:Ultimately it will come down to your word against his.{/quote]
that's what i'm afraid of, but thank you so much for your reply and help.

-- Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:04 pm --

avatar123 wrote:There are only two defenses against a sexual assault charge. One is that the encounter never happened, the other is that it was consensual. So his attorney will choose one of those, and that is how they will go after your story. It helps for you to be prepared for that.

this is really good to know. they would probably say it was consensual, and that's how the case would go.
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Re: Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby avatar123 » Sat Feb 24, 2018 9:45 am

Sorry that things are like this. Many assaults start out as being consensual, but then become non-consensual during the encounter. Existing law is not written for this, it's written from the perspective of things being entirely non-consensual. The law is technically broken at the onset of sexual activity, for example penetration. So if intercourse is in progress when the assault begins, the law is not clear on that, unfortunately. It becomes subjective and open to interpretation. When that happens in the law, the governing principle is the presumption of innocence. So the burden of proof rests with the survivor.

Maybe this will change as awareness of the problem increases. That's why the current movements to bring this topic to the forefont are worthwhile. The law could be modified to directly state that failure to stop after consent is withdrawn is unlawful, in addition to an unlawful start without consent. So I think telling your story is a good thing, for you and for society, you just have to be cognizant of the above.
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Re: Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby smurf » Sat Feb 24, 2018 10:43 am

Remember this was not your fault. You are not to blame. You said no and stop, he didn't. He is the one in the wrong to blame.

Maybe consider having a chat with a police officer. SARC's canhelp with this. You can also give 'soft intelligence' . This involves naming him, brief outline of what happened. This can also be done through the SARC. The information is past to which ever police force and then they keep an eye on him. They can match his crime to yours if others come forward.

Safe hugs if ok.

I also agree with avatar
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Re: Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby LonelyVictim » Mon Feb 26, 2018 12:06 am

avatar123 wrote:Sorry that things are like this. Many assaults start out as being consensual, but then become non-consensual during the encounter. Existing law is not written for this, it's written from the perspective of things being entirely non-consensual. The law is technically broken at the onset of sexual activity, for example penetration. So if intercourse is in progress when the assault begins, the law is not clear on that, unfortunately. It becomes subjective and open to interpretation. When that happens in the law, the governing principle is the presumption of innocence. So the burden of proof rests with the survivor.

Maybe this will change as awareness of the problem increases. That's why the current movements to bring this topic to the forefont are worthwhile. The law could be modified to directly state that failure to stop after consent is withdrawn is unlawful, in addition to an unlawful start without consent. So I think telling your story is a good thing, for you and for society, you just have to be cognizant of the above.


The problem is there is a law where I live (NC, USA) called State vs. Way which specially says that if a women says no during sex the man can keep going: http://wunc.org/post/no-does-not-necess ... h-carolina
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Re: Should I report my Rapist? (old friend)

Postby avatar123 » Mon Feb 26, 2018 3:32 am

LV, thanks for sharing that, it's pretty incredible. Sounds like the court overstepped in interpreting the law, creating a precedent for something that wasn't actually addressed in the original law. Surprised it has lasted all this time without being challenged and overturned. It's an example of the thinking that needs to be changed. I'm sorry it affects you like this.
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