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*r* *t*

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Re: *r* *t*

Postby smurf » Thu Mar 08, 2018 3:47 pm

Nothing seems real. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. Everything feels so weird today. I don't feel numb as such, just not here.
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby Terry E. » Thu Mar 08, 2018 7:06 pm

Smurf just finished reading Audi Murphy's "to hell and back". (the US most celebrated soldier of WWII) He describes exactly that at one point.
You recognize it for what it is.
It will pass.
Hope you feel better soon.
Hope it all starts to clear up soon.
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby Snaga » Thu Mar 08, 2018 11:18 pm

Never occurred to me there was a book...
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby smurf » Sat Mar 10, 2018 4:26 pm

Why did they choose me?
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby avatar123 » Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:47 pm

Smurf, for them it's about seeking vulnerability. Some people are more vulnerable than others. Some people have less protections and defenses around them than others. You don't have to do anything wrong to be vulnerable, sometimes it's just a condition of life. If you learn to recognize it in yourself, then sometimes you can also take steps to lessen it. I think you've done some of that now.

An important thing to recognize is that being vulnerable is not a crime, whereas what they do is a crime. Another important thing is to recognize that a person's response to vulnerability defines them. Most of us know that to take advantage of someone's vulnerability is morally wrong. They don't have that mental safeguard, moral center, emotional response, or whatever it is. You do, that's why you have not responded to your own abuse by abusing others. That pretty much tells the whole story, about you and them.
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby smurf » Mon Mar 12, 2018 4:48 pm

Avatar thank you for making so much sense.

Terry I might have a look at the book.



I feel overwhelming stupid.

I tried to ask for help today, but then ran away from it. The person rang just rang me back and I couldn't tell her.

I am so stupid.

Stupid beyond words.

I've now had a shower and a bath within a short space of time. I disgust myself.

I just want to hide. I don't want anyone to see me. I need someone to hold me, but I'm pushing people away.

I need to shower again.
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby avatar123 » Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:55 am

Smurf, it's not stupid, just a tough thing for anyone to face. It takes courage and making yourself vulnerable to ask for help. Obviously we as abuse survivors are not comfortable being vulnerable. So we avoid that feeling, but in the absence of abuse, being a little vulnerable is a normal and necessary part of life. It's why you want to be held, that's a perfectly normal & human form of vulnerability. So you have to keep trying, because you have to allow yourself good experiences. Tomorrow is another day, you can try again, help is always there (and here) for you.
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby Snaga » Tue Mar 13, 2018 9:56 pm

Well imagine me, and I reckon several of us, holding you- because that is the impulse we feel.

No, you're not stupid... I mean if someone looks at something in isolation, in a bubble that they're not in, themselves... it might seem that way. It might seem that way, to you. But how long has this been going on? The threats, the intimidation the domination all the rest of it. That's some ###$ up $#%^.... and after so long of it? you have no idea how proud we are of the steps you have taken- it's an incredible amount of courage, Smurf. I think you're doing great, and just want the momentum to keep up. You have a right to live your life free of these people.
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby avatar123 » Wed Mar 14, 2018 2:08 am

Just wanted to thank and to second what Snaga has said. I know that I and several others here give you a really huge amount of credit, Smurf, for the progress that you've made. We may not say that enough in focusing on trying to help, but it's important to point out and I'm grateful Snaga has reminded us.

Whether it feels that way or not, you've done well and we all appreciate how difficult that has been for you. You've also helped many others along the way, which makes you a valuable person to have in the forums. So we're glad you're here, Smurf. Please always remember that.
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Re: *r* *t*

Postby smurf » Wed Mar 14, 2018 3:28 am

Hmm thanks I guess. I don't post seeking praise. I post because I'm struggling. I feel as though..... I dunno. I've let you all down. I suppose at present I'm trying to work out how to tell someone who can help me what is happening. I have managed to say I'm not being entirely honest, because I am withholding information because I'm scared of hypothetical reason that I also told her, but they aren't hypocritical, because I have ###$ up so badly. it happened again on Sunday night. (mods please can we leave that one bit as tiny? I know it's against forum policy, but please)
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