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PTSD from childhood rape

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PTSD from childhood rape

Postby Philliesfandb » Sun Mar 19, 2017 3:49 am

Born in a broken household, divorced hard working parents, and constantly being babysat by family friends was my childhood when school would end each year. I had many friends but a depressing issue that effected me immensely. I born big into a family where all us kids were chubby and I was the youngest by many years to my later sibling. Sister left for college and brother worked 40 hours a week and at 11 I wasn't allowed to be home at night by myself. One friend to my father was a functional alchoholic who lived with his mother he was 45 at the time I was 11. I had been noticing that my weight was going to my chest mostly and my hips and backside. My hormones were not regular and my male breasts were very large for a young chubby boy and it was humiliating for me especially in the summer when jackets and sweets shirts were too hot. I will call my sitter Willy and he was a rugged skin and bones super skinny hunting outdoorsman. He was ex military but would drink a 24 pack throughout the day he was also nice to me infront of my pop but a big bully when pop wasn't there. We had many normal days and his nephew would come by most days and play video games with me he was 18 or so. One day willy's mom was angry with him for not maintaining his 1 acre property so I turn he forced me to mow the huge law trim bushes and pull weeds in her four separate gardens. He was drinking more than usual and was making chest jokes and making fun of my backside also eventually demanding me to remove my shirt while I work because I'm sweating and disgusting. He began smoking weed and when I walked towards the house to pee he told me i am a man and men pee outside he made me pee with him and was making comments about how he has a real mans penis and told me to touch it I said no that's gross! This made him angry he pretended to jokingly push me but he knew what he was doing when he pushed me so hard I hit the side of his man shack head first and fell onto a cement walkeay scrapping my side and bleeding. He laughed at me and I began to cry and walk towards the house. He yelled at me and said if I go in the house he's going to tell my pop I tried stealing stuff and that I hit him. Not thinking that my dad would take my side I was so scared of him I walked back. I walked back over he said let's finish yard work and as I'm walking back to weed he walks behind me leans on me with his very sharp chin into my back and his hands over my shoulders cupping my chest. Saying he's sorry he wants to toughen me up and I have to do what he tells me or he will have to discipline me. I was excited to be picked up because Willy hurt me, he was jokingly touching my chest and buttocks many times that day, pervertedly watched me while I was bending over to pull weeds saying humiliating things, forced me to mow the lawn with my no shirt out front on his corner property which half
the yard was on a busy street across from a park full of people watching me snickering cars beeping. My father had rang to let Willy know he was finishing up at his last stop and would be about 2 hours. I was playing with his mothers dog On the floor throwing a ball and Willy got up stormed out of the room I could hear him coughing and when he walked out of the bathroom smoke was in the air he walked over to me told me to get up and that I effed up big time. He brought me into the smoky bathroom and pointed at pee on the ground which was mine but I reached for the toilet paper and he grabbed my Sides with both hands and forced me to stay bent over. He spit on himself and began to forcefully violate me anally. I was crying from the pain and he was grabbing my sides as hard as he could I was unable to breathe begging him to stop and he said I was being punished and that he's in charge stop moving. He was trying to hurt me pushed as much he could in I tried to run but he was strong pulled my lower half up as he continued brutally I was attempting to scream but had no vocals and became numb as he continued until he let go and I lounged for the door. It seemed like an eternity he let up I ran outside in severe pain collapsed outside unclothed crying from the pain and from the emotional toll. He told me if I told on him he would kill my family and his brother runs the state police and he would get my dad arrested. Truthfully he knew I wouldn't tell exactly what happened because I was already teased for my breasts I didn't want people to know a man was in me. I told my family I fell on my bike and I will not go to a doctor I felt fine. I was never fine after that night. I always loved girls and when I graduated I loved women. I hide myself and my body throughout my life. I was tall for 11 but put on more weight turning to food. My chest took all the weight this time and I developed social anxiety. I was confused and weak living a lie to my family and friends. I am now on a benzo to cope with my ptsd and require marijuana after work to remove stress. How should I go about coping and I am fully ensured should I stop using my physician and open up to a mental health doctor? The story is very embarrassing but I'm finally coping with the truth.
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Re: PTSD from childhood rape

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:32 pm

I have moved this Thread to Rape and Sexual Assault Forum but have left a "shadow" in place, so that it can be viewed on both forums.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: PTSD from childhood rape

Postby quietgirl2538 » Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:36 pm

I am very sorry you went through such a terrible experience. My heart goes out to you. Yes, do go to therapy. Find out what you need to do to get a referral or just to go see a therapist and allow yourself the safety of speaking out about what you have suffered. In a professional therapist session, you are safe and anything you say there, stays there. You deserve this help. I see a therapist for different reasons and it has been a tremendous help to me. Hugs if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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ADD (not the hyperactive kind)
*I take loads of meds, but they keep me stable :D

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