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Can't control it..

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Can't control it..

Postby Kasai » Tue Oct 25, 2011 12:10 pm

So...I'm new on here. I've lurked the forums many times and now I've decided to make an account because i've received little help by just reading. I'm a very loud obnoxious person who jokes around alot and who is, usually, not that serious. And this time i'm trying for what feels like the first time. So bear with me. I really am trying.
But, I digress.
Fire. It wasn't really a problem untill now. I've loved fire ever since I could remember. It's important too me and I can't imagine a life without fire. So..it's a problem now because of everybodys close eye on me. I attempted suicide about 3 weeks ago and was in a psyche ward for about a week. Thats when my family and all my friends found out that I cut myself, too.
I don't think anything is triggering my love for fire and what I do with it. I am stressed out and probably angry when I do mess with fire, but if my life were perfect I'd probably still have that tense-ness for it. When I was young, about, 7 until 9 or so, I'd light a piece of paper on fire in my hands and watch it burn until it hit my hand and burned it, and then I'd let it burn my hand for a while, that continued like I said, untill 9, which was when I couldn't help it anymore and lit bigger things on fire, I'd rake up a bunch of leafs and burn them untill I set on fire a whole bunch and got in pretty bad trouble. It didn't look bad, though. My Grandma had died recently so it just looked like acting out.

Whenever I see fire..it's something else..something amazing. I'd shake and tremble at even just a picture of fire. There is no sexual arousal from it. But I start to sweat and get anxious, within minutes I wouldn't be able to help myself and light something on fire, then, when something is on fire infront of me, all my stress seems to burn with it. I feel relivead. Better. The crackling noises of it, the heat of it, the stuff burning under it and banishing it. I can't explain. And nobody seems to understand. Whoever I seem to tell (Which has been like, 2 people now.) Are mortified. Disgusted. They call me weird and a freak and that they're scared of me. I would never harm somebody with fire on purpose.
I know theres no quick tips to recovery, I don't want recovery to be perfectly honest, I just want to be able to control it a little bit, even if the rush of it all is amazing.
Recently, i've been training to be an Alter Server at my Church, And as a ceremony before the Mass you have to light candles. Now. Since I can only do Masses during the weekdays cause i'm in the choir on Sunday, It would be just me and the Priest. And the Priest does not light the candles. The server has too. I cant let all this practice go to waste. I most certainly cannot carry a flame with me and light candles like that. I will most likely burn myself or just stand there and watch it then get anxious and light something on fire.
Whenever I'm not around fire, I get stressed, overworked, angry, frustrated, upset. I'm an artist and a writer, if I got bored with a painting i'd light it on fire. If I ran out of ideas on my writing, I'd light it on fire. If I couldn't do that when I got bored with my paintings, or lost ideas with my writings, I would more then likely get angry to the point of doing something very, very stupid.

I usually get triggered by the sight of fire. Like a Cigarette, or a picture of fire. And by now I know it's impossible to escape fire in your life. It's just impossible.
So I guess what I'm trying to ask is..Tips to remain calm and at ease for a 30 minute mass? Ways to clear my mind and focus on what i'm suppose to be doing instead of starring at the fire the entire time? Thanks for any help given.
If I have your child, I will definitely give birth to it!- Grell Sutcliff
Kasai
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Re: Can't control it..

Postby DontKnowWhoIAm » Thu Aug 30, 2018 4:22 am

OMG there for the Grace of God, go I.

You just described me to a T (except for the church part)...I get anxious around fire and I just have to have it. See it. Feel it. Smell it. I am forced to keep it all under wraps because my family knows NOTHING about this. They would flip out and bad things would happen if they find out.

I am here. I understand. I hear you.
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