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I think often of fire but I've never done much...

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I think often of fire but I've never done much...

Postby Phlaze » Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:06 pm

Okay, so I wouldn't say I am a maniac but I definitely have some urges involving fire and I just have to share my situation to be sure I'm not too weird or anything.

I was always fascinated by fire but when I was a child I thought kids shouldn't even be near any flames. My Parents divorced shortly before I first went to school. I was living with my horrible mother. I never talked about anything with her and I was to embarrassed to talk about things with my father. Also I never had any friends, so I couldn't talk to anyone.

So my interest for fire was a secret I wouldn't tell for a long time. I just fantasized about fire, I didn't dare to actually try to take a lighter out of fear that I got punished. My mother already did beat me up just to relieve her own frustration.

One day I was visiting a firefighter station in a group of other kids (I don't remember the context, maybe it was a school trip?). Anyway we were shown a video where two kids played with matches and the house burned down. The kids in the video were terrified and a lot of people where endangered. It was really dramatic and gave me the impression that fire must be pure evil and from this point on I definitely didn't tell anyone about my admiration for fire.

Then in 2nd grade we had the topic fire. And our teacher wanted to teach us how to light a candle with a match. Everyone in class stroke a match and lit a candle... except for me. I dreamed of this moment that someone would offer me to light a fire but still I refused. I still regret this moment. Back than I just thought kids and fire do not match. Even tough everyone else was lighting the candle I was still traumatized from the video and generally people always saying children shouldn't play with fire. I was never afraid of fire. But I was afraid that people thought I am a monster...



Well then, when I was 12 I was put into a foster family because my mother wasn't allowed to raise me any longer. No one was hurting me any longer and the family was relatively nice so I loosened up a bit but still didn't tell anyone. The foster family was taking care of me, my sister and another girl unrelated to us. The girl owned a lighter and was one time telling me to hold a candle while she lit it. This was the first time I held something on fire. But she blew the candle instantly out because she got scared. We never mentioned that moment again...

Once or twice every year my foster family made a campfire in the garden but of course I stayed inside out of fear my secret curiosity for fire got exposed. Plus I was very quiet and introvert so my foster parents didn't want me on social events anyway...

Finally after a year in my new home I got used to my new life. And after being left alone at home for more than an hour for the first time in my life I was sure no one could possibly spy on me. So I took the matches from the kitchen and went to the toilet so nothing bad would happen and the burning matches would just fall into the toilet. I was 13 at that point and it was the first time in my life lighting a match. My heart never pounded so fast. I was so excited that I actually lit a match! After that I felt extremely guilty as if I killed someone or something like that but at the same time I was also proud and my curiosity for fire turned into love/hate.

From this point forward I used every opportunity to secretly play with matches. I once lit the entire box at once and than I realized that it wasn't enough anymore. So I stole one match box and kept it in my room. I was so insanely afraid someone would find it even though my foster parents never did search my room. Then after school I went into the woods as far from the path as I could so no one could see me and started to burn paper. It was way hotter than I imagined and I was so happy. I came often to this place and played with fire. But every time only a few minutes out of fear to get spotted. I also continued to play more at home when I was alone. I often used deodorant as a flamethrower. Or I sprayed it on my clothes and lit myself on fire.



I was already 16 and still didn't tell anyone. But I went into a supermarket far away from where I live and bought lighters and candles. I was so nervous in front of the cashier especially when he asked for my ID to confirm my age; even though lighters are generally allowed to be sold to anyone aged 12+ here in Germany (I live in Germany by the way).

So you can get lighters with 12 and I was 16 and still secretly played with fire. It's something I'm extremely ashamed of. Well after I got candles I lit them even when I wasn't alone at home but only during the night when no one would come into my room. At first I was nervous as hell but after a while I got used to it. Before I just played a few minutes at a time with fire but then I watched the candles for like half an hour and got to experience in a more relaxed way.



One day, I was 17 soon 18, I accidentally triggered the smoke detector. I was in a really bad mood and just didn't payed attention. What happened is that I just wanted to distract myself and relax so I dripped molten wax onto some tissues and lit them, the tissues now functioning as a huge wick. Too huge in fact. The alarm went off and I didn't manage to extinguish the fire. So I took the metal box I contained the fire in in and ran into the bath to douse the flames with water. Of course that made even bigger flames because is was burning wax. But then I finally archived to put out the fire. My hands were pretty burned tough and multiple rooms were fairly smokey. So my foster parents noticed and after all this time now I had to confess my pyromaniac obsession.

First they were mad because they were afraid I would burn the house down. But ultimately they told me it's okay the like fire. So I was allowed to light candles in my room. So after not needing to hide it anymore I got a lot more comfortable handling fire. But I still was ashamed and awkward about it and can't really talk with others about it, even to this day...

Anyway with my new found freedom I could experience fire a lot better without constant stress. So once I got used to it I lit over a hundred candles at once and really enjoyed myself. It was just a shame my foster parents didn't really made fires in the garden since quite a while but they allowed me to make one on my own once. I had no Idea how to get wood burning though and I was watched from them and too embarrassed to really enjoy it anyways so I just burned some papers at first but than I managed to light the wood. But I wasn't allowed to make it really that big. It was still the biggest fire I've ever made (which doesn't mean much, the flames just reached my knees).

This was the only time I got so far to make a fire though. Because when I turned 18 I was kicked out (I wasn't allowed to stay longer than 18 by the foster family).



Now I'm 22 and live in my own home. So I can do what I want. Well I don't have a garden or anything and live in the city. So to this day I had no more chances to make campfires. So I never experiences a bigger fire. But I really, really need to.

But I don't have friends and even if I had I don't know how to approach them about this. I mean it sounds a bit weird to suggest making a fire. But maybe it's just me because I'm still uncomfortable talking about fire.

But luckily I don't have constant urges to play with it any more since I'm now used to it; I light candles every single evening, I can't let pass a day without it. But that's about it.

Well, okay, rarely I do light some paper or ethanol out of boredom and I do dream to finally get a chance to make a big bonfire with friends who understand me and may also like fire as much as I do...

Thank you really much for reading!
What do you think?
Phlaze
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Re: I think often of fire but I've never done much...

Postby DontKnowWhoIAm » Sun Oct 07, 2018 3:18 am

MMMMM...I would say yah. You definitely show pyromaniac tendencies. Not all of us are destructive or wild. I can't be...I can't afford to get in trouble with the law, so I keep mine under control.

I am definitely a pyromaniac. Got diagnosed as such, so I guess the pros see it...it must be true.

Welcome to the club.
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