Hi?

I am an oddity. I am old (relatively so compared to the "normal" age for this behavior) and a Mama to 5 kids. I had a very troubled childhood with lots of suicide attempts, hospitalizations, etc. Then as an adult, those behaviors continued and I was hospitalized twice more in 2015 for 2 more attempts. I got out and slipped into alcoholism. I quit that and have been sober for almost 2 years exactly now. I love an online game on Steam that is a 1st-Person Shooter and the one character uses a flamethrower as a weapon. I fell in love with this game years ago now, and I always have been drawn to this character in particular over every other one. He appeals to me...which kind of makes sense now. Now, for myself, I have always loved fires and if I hear a fire engine, I am rushing out to see them go by. If I am close enough to the fire, you can bet I will be jogging there. If I have to get a ride, I beg my hubby to take me. Campfires send me into rapture.

This all started when I was writing fanfiction for this character in this game, but I was writing it in 1st Person POV, which effectively put me INTO the story. I had to think about fire more (remember, his weapon is a flamethrower) and how he would be feeling, thinking, etc. and the end was quite tragic. This totally triggered this thing inside me where just thinking about fires wasn't enough anymore. I had to light one. I have a safe place I can do that, so I started with burning candles. I had gone through 10 candles in 3 days. That wasn't enough. I started burning scraps of paper, still safely. Just lighting a match will calm me if I am getting too stressed. It is like this building pressure in my head. It builds and builds and all I can think about is smelling that sulphur from the match...seeing that flame. I get excited to no end and my chest actually feels tight up to the time I light that match. Then I feel a total calm, satisfaction, release, and just happiness inside. This happens several times all day, but I can contain the urges if I have to, and I do have to control them often as my family is around all day and I can't let any of them know what I am doing, especially our 8 year old who is Autistic and will imitate anything he sees. This kills me inside and I get quite cranky...but I hide that too. I push the feelings down deep and just imagine fire in my mind, and that helps.

Now, I don't think this is actually anything, and I think this might just be something that I am interested in...but will drop once I get tired of it. I don't know. It feels different than other things that have just been passing fancies for me. This feels so much different--like an old friend and a deep desire instead of just something I want to do. I had an urge this evening, and it hurt my head and chest so much that I had to light a match, just to calm the feeling of restlessness and longing.

Please be nice...I know I don't fit the DSM criteria for anything, but I have been officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (Suicidal) and a person with a history of both Alcoholism and Anorexia Nervosa. I am no longer depressed, and for sure I am not suicidal. I also don't want to burn a building or anything like that, but I do fear that I will need bigger fires eventually. It scares me.

Can someone help me ease my mind that I am not alone?

Welcome DontKnowWhoIAm ,

You are not alone . This is a rather quiet forum though . Have you spoken to anyone about your impulse ? Maybe if you talked to a therapist or had a safe outlet of discussion , it would help you .

Impulsive behavior can be managed . Giving in to an impulse every time often creates a cycle of urge-reward-increased urges . Have you explored other ways to reduce stress ? They may seem ineffective at first but if you give them a chance , you may find that you aren't trapped with " fire is the only option " .

It's a long term process and it can be hard work . It's not comfortable but if you consistently make small changes , it usually gets easier with time .

NewSunRising wrote:Welcome DontKnowWhoIAm ,

You are not alone . This is a rather quiet forum though . Have you spoken to anyone about your impulse ? Maybe if you talked to a therapist or had a safe outlet of discussion , it would help you .

Impulsive behavior can be managed . Giving in to an impulse every time often creates a cycle of urge-reward-increased urges . Have you explored other ways to reduce stress ? They may seem ineffective at first but if you give them a chance , you may find that you aren't trapped with " fire is the only option " .

It's a long term process and it can be hard work . It's not comfortable but if you consistently make small changes , it usually gets easier with time .

Well....never mind about not knowing. The urges HAD grown and gotten bigger and more frequent and now I need to start fires every couple hours or else my head feels like it will explode and I get really REALLY irritable. The pleasure I derive from fire is much greater and now feels like an orgasm in my head (sorry!) and the relief is just overwhelming.

I talked to a psychologist. Guess what she said?

Her: "(my name) Well...I think you know what this is."
Me: "(mumbles) I dunno...I guess I do.
Her: "You're suffering from Pyromania and you need treatment."
Me: (I start crying) No. It can't be that...(though I knew it all along, but hearing it hurt).
And it went on from there...

So I have the official diagnosis, and I have learned to accept it somewhat. I need to burn now, but the urge isn't all that strong and there are cops everywhere because of the stupid Fall Festival that is going on by my house (literally down the street)...so I can't risk going up by the railroad tracks because I don't know if they are patrolling. Nobody is supposed to be up there...but people use it as a go-between the neighborhood and the shopping center which is 5 minutes by car, but only a couple minutes' walk if you take the tracks. Fricking heck I knew it...I knew that this was something that was much deeper. I actually remembered a time (I have few memories from my childhood) where I would burn things as a teenager just to calm myself. There is the origin of the Pyromania right there, hidden until recently.

So, I guess I belong here after all. I am a pyromaniac and I am dealing with it the best I can.