I am an oddity. I am old (relatively so compared to the "normal" age for this behavior) and a Mama to 5 kids. I had a very troubled childhood with lots of suicide attempts, hospitalizations, etc. Then as an adult, those behaviors continued and I was hospitalized twice more in 2015 for 2 more attempts. I got out and slipped into alcoholism. I quit that and have been sober for almost 2 years exactly now. I love an online game on Steam that is a 1st-Person Shooter and the one character uses a flamethrower as a weapon. I fell in love with this game years ago now, and I always have been drawn to this character in particular over every other one. He appeals to me...which kind of makes sense now. Now, for myself, I have always loved fires and if I hear a fire engine, I am rushing out to see them go by. If I am close enough to the fire, you can bet I will be jogging there. If I have to get a ride, I beg my hubby to take me. Campfires send me into rapture.
This all started when I was writing fanfiction for this character in this game, but I was writing it in 1st Person POV, which effectively put me INTO the story. I had to think about fire more (remember, his weapon is a flamethrower) and how he would be feeling, thinking, etc. and the end was quite tragic. This totally triggered this thing inside me where just thinking about fires wasn't enough anymore. I had to light one. I have a safe place I can do that, so I started with burning candles. I had gone through 10 candles in 3 days. That wasn't enough. I started burning scraps of paper, still safely. Just lighting a match will calm me if I am getting too stressed. It is like this building pressure in my head. It builds and builds and all I can think about is smelling that sulphur from the match...seeing that flame. I get excited to no end and my chest actually feels tight up to the time I light that match. Then I feel a total calm, satisfaction, release, and just happiness inside. This happens several times all day, but I can contain the urges if I have to, and I do have to control them often as my family is around all day and I can't let any of them know what I am doing, especially our 8 year old who is Autistic and will imitate anything he sees. This kills me inside and I get quite cranky...but I hide that too. I push the feelings down deep and just imagine fire in my mind, and that helps.
Now, I don't think this is actually anything, and I think this might just be something that I am interested in...but will drop once I get tired of it. I don't know. It feels different than other things that have just been passing fancies for me. This feels so much different--like an old friend and a deep desire instead of just something I want to do. I had an urge this evening, and it hurt my head and chest so much that I had to light a match, just to calm the feeling of restlessness and longing.
Please be nice...I know I don't fit the DSM criteria for anything, but I have been officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (Suicidal) and a person with a history of both Alcoholism and Anorexia Nervosa. I am no longer depressed, and for sure I am not suicidal. I also don't want to burn a building or anything like that, but I do fear that I will need bigger fires eventually. It scares me.
Can someone help me ease my mind that I am not alone?