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Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

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Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby mariele » Tue Jun 13, 2017 8:09 pm

Hello.
I hope I can find some peer support from here, if someone has similar experiences etc. I have huge problems with committing to therapy - not rationally though, I have done everything I can think of to "power through" my emotional resistance. But it is just too much.

This is very long, you can skip the background stuff if you wish to.

I have a history of mental illnesses starting from adolescence, depression mostly and OCD. These days I also have a personality disorder, a somatoform disorder, and probably something i can't remember. Well, I was "post-diagnosed" with unspecified childhood emotional disorder basically meaning I had not grown up quite normally. Generally this means I had no peer groups, no socialisation through my adolescent years. Anyhow, I tried starting psychotherapy two times; with bad results. I completely got angry at the first therapist for something miniscule and managed to provoke the other one for a reaction you wouldn't expect from a therapist - this is understandable because I have years of experience of provoking people who ought to be quite "immune" to this; I am the child of a psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

Then years later I got to a full assessment in a university hospital and basically I was told I had extreme issues with emotion regulation, trust and stuff like that. I started therapy - again. I saw the therapist for 6 months forming no bond whatsoever, but from the start I had a very childlike trust in the doctor, who I saw infrequently. I can not explain this in any way - I just had none of those issues I have had and continue to have with other psychosocial workers. Then they had to change the therapist and I thought it was my chance to really really try this time. Then for unfortunate circumstances just 1 month later they also changed the doctor (! bureaucracy), and the very little trust I had managed to form (okay, VERY little) in the new therapist went out the window. How could I imagine to trust someone when that one time I for whatever reason did, I was mistreated like that? (I had every right to believe I would continue with that psychiatrist; geez, she thought so too!)


----------------------------------
I was told by the psychiatrist, psychologist and therapist during my assessment that I was barely treatable; if treatable, at all, and that it couldn't be put off at all anymore, so I decided to really try with the new therapist. But now few months later I have absolutely no trust in her. I do think she probably knows how to do her job, I think she probably is a nice person, but I have no interest in seeing her or talking to her. When I go to visit two times a week, well, I just sit and feel nothing (or a little bit annoyed?) and don't answer to anything or say "I don't know" to everything or whatever. I recognise this behaviour from when I was 13 and this whole thing started, and I am very surprised that after more than a decade later I feel the need to revert to this behaviour. The problem is I can't tell them, WHY I don't want to co-operate, because I do not know myself. I know being let down by the system and emotionwise I guess by the doctor must play a part in it, but I'm confused because this reaction wasn't immediate.. it has been months. Even when, during session, I think "be an adult for god's sakes, just try to distance from your childlike premise, and try to say what is happening" , it has no bearing because I quite literally cannot form any words, I have no way of verbally communicating my experience. It is like everything I've thought about prior the session just vanishes from my brain. It feels like I'm giving them very much a hard time with my cold shoulder and one problem is that I am, due to my personality disorder and unique inner features, very quick to recognise what others feel or how they position themselves in relation to me. This means that when a therapist/doctor/whoever I'm seeing feels helpless or unsure of how they grasp what I mean, I notice this in a heartbeat, and get irritated. I am very altruistic and like to help others in my own life but I can not take help from a person who feels helpless because my immature brain is telling me this means they are lower down the hierarchy scale than I am. I am not searching for someone who always knows everything seeing how it is impossible, but what seems to be common that I somehow make therapists feel like they SHOULD know what I mean, which means that instead of asking me straight, they often try to guess or fumble. In this therapist-patient aspect I get very irritated at verbal, bodily etc signals that indicate that they are not only unsure about something, but also unsure about how they should approach the situation.

Well that's the gist of it I think, the irony of the situation is that when this happens and I distance myself, I also become unable to communicate why. It almost feels like I am punishing them for being unsure. The more I just sit emotionless and expressionless the more they fumble. I cannot be the first patient to not co-operate that willingly, but I guess the fact that I can be quite the talkative, expressive and generally nice adult and then turn into an adolescent monster is unsettling.

Thanks if you managed to read the whole thing. If it's not obvious, I have trouble stating things shortly.
In so many ways I'm somebody else
I'm trying so hard to be myself.
I just need to hear somebody say
That this will all make sense one day.
Well it's getting late, I'd better go
I made it this far.. as far as I know.
mariele
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby mariele » Tue Jun 27, 2017 2:01 pm

Seriously, I would appreciate any comment on this! Whatever it may be.
In so many ways I'm somebody else
I'm trying so hard to be myself.
I just need to hear somebody say
That this will all make sense one day.
Well it's getting late, I'd better go
I made it this far.. as far as I know.
mariele
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby PsychoJerk » Fri May 18, 2018 8:41 pm

Hi! English is not my first language, so sorry for my en : wink:

I think that you should talk about this feeling with your therapist. Maybe this is one of problem you should try to solve through relationships with therapist. I encourage you to try. If after this conversation you still will feel far from therapist, try another one :)


Good luck!
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby mariele » Mon Jun 04, 2018 5:44 pm

Thank you for your comment!

Almost a year has passed, and things've changed. As it turned out, I got into a little fit with the new doctor, and got so fed up with the whole organisation that I quit there completely; meaning I no longer see this therapist either. I did not bring this whole thing up with her.

As a product I was left looking for a new doctor, or therapist, or both, or whatever. I immediately contacted my earlier doctor, the one I trusted. I found out she worked in another city but not too far away to visit biweekly. So I've been going there for like 6 months now. And yeah let's face it, I do have some of the same trouble, but it's not directed at her.. or it is, but I guess I trust her more and I feel like I have the best chances with her to talk about the phenomenon. And I have once. So it's not smooth sailing and seeing how I already knew I trusted her unlike others, I'm surprised I do face the same problems. Difference is I have faith now that they can be overcome.
In so many ways I'm somebody else
I'm trying so hard to be myself.
I just need to hear somebody say
That this will all make sense one day.
Well it's getting late, I'd better go
I made it this far.. as far as I know.
mariele
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Posts: 29
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby Wally58 » Sat Jun 09, 2018 7:19 pm

I'm glad that you were able to re-establish ties with your previous therapist and work on things together again.
Best of luck to you. :D
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby mariele » Thu Jun 28, 2018 3:12 pm

Thank you Wally! Sometimes I wake up and I can't believe it either. I don't know how long it can last and I don't want to know either. Of course I was worried I couldn't trust the stability of our "relationship" seeing as how it has already once ended abruptly. But I don't have that problem now, at least I don't feel like it. She really is what is best for me and I'm glad I took some extra steps to get the chance to start seeing her again!
In so many ways I'm somebody else
I'm trying so hard to be myself.
I just need to hear somebody say
That this will all make sense one day.
Well it's getting late, I'd better go
I made it this far.. as far as I know.
mariele
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 29
Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2017 6:44 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 02, 2020 1:59 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby Wally58 » Fri Jun 29, 2018 1:13 pm

It is one day at a time.
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby Jolly jo » Sat Oct 20, 2018 5:33 pm

I realise this thread was some time ago but I was wondering how you are doing now. I too struggle to truly trust my therapist and can't say I feel what I should towards her . I have been seeing her many years and I am still struggling to find the bond that should be there.
Diagnosed DID with a few other states.
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Oct 21, 2018 1:18 am

Jolly jo wrote:I realise this thread was some time ago but I was wondering how you are doing now. I too struggle to truly trust my therapist and can't say I feel what I should towards her . I have been seeing her many years and I am still struggling to find the bond that should be there.


Hi Jolly jo,

(I regularly check this forum and the abuse one, especially when I've read everything new on the DID forum)

Do you talk to your therapist about the trust issue and about not feeling the bond that you think should be there? Because without trust and a solid attachment, it's hard to truly process any past experience. Phase 1 is all about stability and attachment.

Because of a very damaging past experience in therapy and waiting over 25 years to really try to tackle these issues (therapy trauma on top of childhood trauma), I'm approaching things as directly as I can, with someone who is an expert in dissociative disorders. We spend a lot of time talking about how hard it is for me (us) to be seen--how hard it is to make eye contact and see him seeing us. How hard it is to be really present in the room, in the moment, and take in the connection--really feel it so that we can hang onto it for the whole week. Almost everything we talk about has to do with the relationship and sometimes how my reactions relate to past experiences with relationships.

I'm very lucky to have found someone who has a lot of experience and skill, and sets boundaries in a way that is able to keep me close--to create an environment that FEELS like I'm being held, but without any physical contact. I have parts that rebel against that, of course, and fight it, and disbelieve it. It's hard to believe that someone wants to help me because of MY needs, and not to meet some unhealthy need of their own. I've been seeing him for 16 months, and can definitely see progress.

Anyway, I'm not sure this is helpful--sorry if I'm blathering on. My main point is just that this needs to be talked about and the reasons need to be understood. Maybe it's really not a good fit, which would be difficult and sad after so many years, or maybe you are keeping yourself closed off in some way and perhaps you and she can figure out what she can do to help you feel closer and more connected.
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Re: Extreme issues committing and forming alliance

Postby Jolly jo » Sun Oct 21, 2018 8:29 am

hI
I am glad to here you are persisting.
You asked 'Do you talk to your therapist about the trust issue and about not feeling the bond that you think should be there? Because without trust and a solid attachment, it's hard to truly process any past experience. Phase 1 is all about stability and attachment.'

Yes, we talk about it often and you are right, the failure to get over it is slowing stuff down. However, whilst I know its a phase 1 thing, in reality we move backwards and forwards so therapy has progressed, albeit with problems and barriers.
However, this is one of my biggest problems and I don't feel that I am capable of more than I can manage at the moment.I have been through periods when I thought it was about the fit with the therapist but its not. It would be no better with anyone else and my limited attachment with her is the best I have managed with anyone.
I have only been able to stay in therapy because she has managed to stick with me through the storms, mistrust and being able to hear how much I don't trust her....she is one tough women!
I can relate to most of what you said in your post - including trying to hang onto the feelings from one session to the next. How do people manage that?
I often say to my therapist, when we are getting deeper into how attachment works, that I feel she is trying to explain brain surgery or something - I really have no idea what she is getting at or trying to make me think about. It has changed over the years but even so, there is a long way to go and who knows if I will ever really get it.

Good luck with your therapy - and keep at it!
Diagnosed DID with a few other states.
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