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I think my therapist wants to have sex with me

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I think my therapist wants to have sex with me

Postby Laine4 » Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:24 pm

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here so I am rather new, but I have a problem and I am not sure if I am making it up in my head or not. So here is the situation.

I have been seeing my therapist for about five months now. I went through a very severe bipolar depression and required three hospitalizations for it. I went in February, March, and April of this year. I was in for about eight days this last one. My therapist stuck by me, seeing me at my absolute worst. He saw me crying, ugly, paranoid, psychotic, and delusional. He has really seen me through it all, so I feel close to him.

I would have to say things started right away. In our second session, he threw out a rather off hand remark about his wife not giving him enough sex. I thought it odd at the time but I wasn't in a very good frame of mind, so I just let it roll off of me. But then he kept saying other things to me, complimentary things.

I am being seen for being raped at 13, sexual and physical abuse by the men in my life, as well as low self esteem. I am bipolar and have been told I have borderline personality disorder, as well as PTSD.

So, knowing all of this, he starts telling me things like he is the only man in my life to truly understand me. I am overweight, but he tells me that he sees me as beautiful. He has stated that he thinks I look fine. Every time I would mention some sort of abuse, he would say, "I'd never do that." What ever I say, he always refers to it personally. I found this odd.

He tells me he likes me..a lot. He said he cannot help his feelings for me. This last session he told me he was very fond of me. If it were all just this, I would say, Okay..he is just being nice and trying to bond, but it didn't stop at that.

He touches me. It started early on as a pat on the back. Then one session he asked if he could hug me. I said ok, so he pulled me close and squeezed me very tight. I was okay with that. Then, after awhile, after he hugged me he kissed my neck. Gradually the kiss on the neck turned into a kiss on the cheek. This last session the kiss was off to the right of my lips just a hair. If he had moved his head slightly, it would have been on the lips. After this he held me tight. He hugged me and I pulled back. He then pulled me close again and just kept holding me. As I left he put his hand on my back and patted, then began to rub my back.

This touch comes with all sorts of words. He tells me he finds me attractive and that he looks forward to our sessions. He has gone over in time for me at least three times, then lets me know he went over for me. This last session he said he should wear shorts for me so I can see his legs. He said at his other office the woman that works there said he had nice legs, and a nice butt.

I have gotten nervous a couple of times. He picked up on this once and then blurted out of nowhere, "I don't have sex with patients. I could lose my license. I only have sex with my wife." I was like WTH!! He then added, "Unless a patient comes to me and tells me they want to have sex with me." He wouldn't look at me the whole time he said this.

I am 55 and he is 72. I have always been with older men, so I don't see the age gap as a problem, but he is married and my therapist. Is he crossing a line somewhere? I am not good at boundaries and he knows this, as I have told him. He also knows that I have crossed boundaries in a couple of my last relationships. It seems as though he targeted me from the very beginning. Is this because he knows with my personality and bipolar that I will allow the abuse? Is it even abuse? I am just so confused. My therapy has pretty much come to standstill. I told him a lot a couple of weeks ago about physical abuse I have taken, my daughter trying to be molested by my then husband, my father being killed, being homeless and broken..he says, "That's sad." Is that what they are supposed to say? I asked him this last week what a therapist is supposed to do when you tell them upsetting things. He answered my question with a question. He said, "Do you think we have a standard rule of treatment?" I said, "Well..I think there should be a plan, like validation, support, discussing the feelings that go with it. Do you just listen, or put up a wall and let it all go?" He deflected, saying," A therapist shouldn't ever put a wall up. That would be the worst thing you can do." So, he never answered my question.

I don't feel better after five months. What should I be feeling? This last session we just made small talk. He told me he likes that, the small talk. I get the impression he would rather NOT hear my problems. He knows I wont leave because we discussed it. He said if I ever left him it would mean that I WOULD have borderline personality disorder. (He thinks I don't have it, and he knows I am very sensitive to being told I DO have it.)

I just feel frozen. I feel confused by all of this and I'm not sure what to do. I think he plays off of this. So I guess I need to know, is he crossing boundaries here? Should I run? I feel bonded to him because of going through all the depression stuff with him. He reminded me that he has seen me at my worst. He said he has seen me in all sorts of moods, good and bad, and he is still with me. He said he isn't going anywhere. He knows I have abandonment issues too. I just need some good advice.

Thank you,
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Re: I think my therapist wants to have sex with me

Postby Saigal » Wed Nov 02, 2016 3:36 am

Dear Laine4,
Sorry nobody has replied to your post. Of course you should have left him. He had given enough clues about his bad intentions. What did you do? How have you been doing?
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Re: I think my therapist wants to have sex with me

Postby LonesomeTraveller » Sat Mar 23, 2019 12:50 pm

His behaviour is NOT at all appropriate. Do not go back to him. His touching and comments are Extremely inappropriate. He is definitely crossing boundaries. Therapists do NOT make remarks like his and definitely do not touch you. The kissing is sexual abuse.
You don’t owe him any explanations as to why you won’t be continuing your sessions with him. In fact you don’t even have tell him that you’re not going back. If anything I would have him reported. He is taking advantage of a vulnerable person and goodness knows what he may be doing to other vulnerable clients, especially if they are children or under age. If YOU feel you want give him an explanation just tell him (over the phone) that you don’t feel this is helping or that you feel better now and don’t wish to continue. Stick to your guns, or ask a trusted friend or family member to be there or to make the call for you.
Please seek the support of someone else and research into them and make sure they are fully liscenced and have genuine testimonials. Maybe ask your gp to recommend a suitable therapist.
I’m so sorry you have experienced this. Please take care of yourself and don’t let yourself be intimidated or threatened by him. You have not done anything wrong. You have got every right to leave and report his harassment and abuse. You can even use this post as evidence id you do to the police as you were expressing your genuine concern about his behaviour. I wish you all the best xo
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Re: I think my therapist wants to have sex with me

Postby mariele » Thu Jun 06, 2019 3:57 pm

Oh good lord. I hope you have left him by now. If not, please do. Right now. And report him. I don't know what the process is like wherever you live in, but find out. If you don't have the energy, at least terminate with him. Please.
If you feel at all like it, report him so he can't target others.

Im saying there is so many things off in what you are saying that it is loud and clear what his intentions are. But I don't even care about his intentions, he has abused you as it is! In some psychotherapies touching and self-disclosure is more allowed than it traditionally has been, but always, ALWAYS it should be because it has therapeutic value to the patient. I do not see how his sex life or a ffing KISS has anything to do with therapy. I don't see it, because it does not.

Please just leave him, why would you care if he were to think "right, told you you had BPD"? Who cares what he thinks? He's a criminal for crying out loud!

To put in short:

-some of those are ethically in a grey area: light touching, self-disclosure
->but not really in this case because there is no way to spin those incidents so that they will offer therapeutic insight
-some of these things are downright criminal: the comment about him wearing shorts, the kissing, they are abuse/harassment. No question about it.
In so many ways I'm somebody else
I'm trying so hard to be myself.
I just need to hear somebody say
That this will all make sense one day.
Well it's getting late, I'd better go
I made it this far.. as far as I know.
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