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This week in therapy... (kinda long)

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This week in therapy... (kinda long)

Postby WantToEscapeIt » Sun Aug 04, 2013 11:05 pm

Hey all, I'm new here!

For a little background: I saw this T for 2 years while in high school. I usually went in and we sat in silence. I was there because my mother told me to be there. I did have issues with depression and self-harm, but I didn't discuss them. I stopped seeing her when I graduated high school.

Flash forward two years: I have been struggling with pushing my feelings aside since leaving therapy. It eventually got to be too much and I started to self-harm again. I also decided to start seeing the same therapist again. I was teary the minute I sat down in the chair. She again diagnosed me with depression with OCD tendencies, anxiety, etc. etc. We met 6 times and then she went on a 2.5 week vacation.

During her vacation I met with one of her coworkers in the office. My second appointment with her, I was having a rough week. I had self-harmed at least 7 times in a week. I curled up and started to dissociate, as I often do in therapy. The stand in T had me create a collage. It was dark. It was deep. As soon as I looked at the finished product I broke down.

This past Wednesday my T was back and when things weren't really going anywhere, she asked if we could look at the collage. I was afraid, but I said yes. She sat next to me and I looked at it and immediately started to dissociate. She tried to pull me back, kept asking me where I was (she often does this when I dissociate). It was bad. I completely lost it. I started crying. I told her how suicidal I've been and how much I've been cutting. She left the room to change some things around so I could see my pdoc earlier to change my meds. When she came back I was in a complete breakdown. She asked if she could hold me and I let her. It was the best thing I have ever experience in my life. I have always had a hard time believing she cared, believing she wanted to help me and here she was, holding me while I broke down. Session ran overtime and she just kept holding me. She made me promise to call and check in with her later that night.

And now I feel so guilty about it. I took up so much time. And I don't deserve any of what she gave to me. I don't deserve that sort of comfort and love and tenderness. And I feel guilty for liking it. I feel guilty for wanting it again. I didn't deserve it. I believe I am less than human and less than human doesn't deserve to be loved like that. I don't deserve to feel the love and compassion and kindness she gave me when she held me. And I hate myself for it.
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Re: This week in therapy... (kinda long)

Postby TryingToFigureitOut » Sat Jan 30, 2016 11:36 pm

Sorry so late. I just found this site and was looking around.

Please watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9fHCrP ... redirect=1

You deserve love and you're not wrong for wanting it. It's evolutionarily programmed in us to want it, and every should have access to it.

I hope you are doing well.
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