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Having a 30-year old crisis or not ever want to have kids?

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Having a 30-year old crisis or not ever want to have kids?

Postby Asadgirl » Wed Oct 10, 2018 2:37 am

I dont know where to put this but im guessing here.

Im soon 30 and i dont have any serious health problems but i never had a long relationship, ive met narcissist and "badboys" leaving me heartbroken many times, and when i try to date a more nice guy i just dont feel anything.. now i just took a bachelor´s degree and applying for jobs.. I came out of a terrible narcissistic relationship a few months ago im recovering from. i dont even find any guy interesting at this point.. and other friends my age are having kids getting married etc.. while my life isnt starting really..

I feel like i havent travelled enough, worked/earned money anough, or had the romantic relationship enough.. even if i find the man of my dreams now it would take years till id be ready.. in best case 35 but health issues might creep in at that point.

kids are such a big responsibility, im scared of being pregnant, that something happens to me or the baby.. i might bleed to death or the baby might die inside the womb due to ambilical cord around the neck or something.. feeling the baby grow in me seems ailien... and newborns are usually so ugly i cant help but feel that way. i think animal´s babies are cuter...

i have a nephew of 3 years old i play with sometimes.. its fun for a few minutes the im getting bored.. he is only interested in car-toys.. thats all. and even if he was a girl instead i dont know what id feel. im feeling uncomfortable anyway. but last time i took care of him my sister-in-law told me my nephew asked if i could come and play with him the next day too cause he liked it, it kind of warmed my heart but he screams and seems messy, i can imagine him growing up being hard to tame.

And all those neves it will take to be okey with if the marriage wont hold if one gets into that.. its nervwracking! I dont want to split the household and divorce.. its devastating.. for the kid to grow up withouth both parents.. as if it was a mistake to give birth to that kid. I grew up withouth my father and its taken a toll on me.. i got daddy issues for example. And my mother is narcissistic and raised me into not being so independent, i struggle to embrace adulthood. I have my own flat my parents gave me so im a bit spoiled that way but i never got emotional support.. so i basically got the fish but didnt learn to fish it. Im thankful for having my own space but when im trying to apply and take a job my mother turns me down - saying its not good enough of a job after my long education... but its not so easy to get a super-job instantly. ive worked in saled but wish to have something more stable and secure now.

I just feel like i need to take care of myself first and it might take forever.. its a sorrow too, because when i get into menopause i might regret never having kids, but at the same time.. nobody knows if the kid would be healthy.. perhaps i´ll die in som accident or being invalid or not function properly.. having desease or some psychotic diagnos.. cancer.. who knows.. all the nerves it would take to be ready for that.. and upbring the kid into a decent human being.. i dont want it to experience bullying, getting herpes accidently and have it ruin its life for years (as for me), getting depressions, heartbreak..

life might be good if you´re rich but i can barely take care of my own so im not confident i can give a baby a good life... i know though i could teach it quite a lot i learned on my own journey but i dont feel like im good enough anyway.. since i cant even have a boyfriend for a long time for example, and struggle to take responsibility, im quite lazy at times.. i just want to eat well, excersise, have some fun with friends.. travel.. and experience love! Love is above everything on the list, but having babies is not love for me, it rather feels that then im not in the centre and will just have to give my all to them. only if id love them i could, but what if im not? what if I would become a narcissist? im so confused about allt his. its not imminent anyway to talk about now but im still pounding on it.

i just dont want to spill my time on it.. but at the same time im very lonely.. havin a child would give life more meaning.. but i dont know..

I live in Scandinavia by the way but i still hope you could give me some encouraging words and advice, thank you!
Asadgirl
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