What to do?

After having my baby I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and given prozac.... which I didn't take. I went back to work the next week and aside from anxiety, didn't 'feel sad'. Fast forward 5 months later, I still feel 'off' and I think it's getting worse. I do not feel suicidal like I did earlier. Mostly I just feel numb and like I'm dreaming all the time. Things look weird. When I see my reflection don't always recognize it as my own. The lights seem dimmer than normal, noises seem way louder. When I come home from work the sound of the washer and the t.v is horrible.
I can't think very well either. It's impacting m work. I forget things all the time. Can't remember where things are in the grocery store. I drove up the wrong street to go home. I'm having trouble making eye contact with people.

Recently I've been havin more 'nighttime hallucinations'. I've always had those, but they've gotten bad and scary over the past week. Maybe I had a night terror? I woke up and felt someone pushing me down to the bed, everytime I tried to sit up they were covering my eyes, mouth and holding me down. I tried to scream but couldn't. Then I thought to myself it must not be real, after a few more minutes the feelings went away. I usually see people or other objects (dragons etc.) Woke up seeing a demonic face a couple weeks ago.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I feel stupid going back to my OB since he wanted me to take meds and I never did. I also work closely with the mental health community and do NOT want them knowing my personal issues. Will thiseventually go away? I just don't want it getting worse. I already feel like I've lost it and I feel like reality is slowly slipping away. I just can't even make a decision on how to handle it.

Um, usually untreated mental health problems get worse. They don't normally just "go away". I think you really need to go see a therapist about all of what is happening for you, it is very important to prioritise your mental health and to take the action you need. The sooner you take action, the more easily this will be treated. Whereas delaying your actions may lead to the problems escalating.

I think you need to see a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist rather than a OB. What you have written here doesn't necessarily sound related to the postpartum depression and so it will be easier to work out what is going on for you with someone who is more schooled in the various types of mental health conditions. A therapist will be able to diagnose you properly.

Anyway, I thought I would give you my two cents in relation to what you have said even though obviously you need a professional to help diagnose you. I just think it might help you to have some avenues to start looking into to see if you can relate...

MommyinTrouble wrote:Mostly I just feel numb and like I'm dreaming all the time. Things look weird. When I see my reflection don't always recognize it as my own. The lights seem dimmer than normal, noises seem way louder.

This sounds like depersonalization/derealization which is a specific type of dissociation. Depersonalization and derealization are common symptoms of lots of different types of mental health conditions so it's probably that you have this as a symptom within some other type of mental illness.

MommyinTrouble wrote:I can't think very well either. It's impacting m work. I forget things all the time. Can't remember where things are in the grocery store. I drove up the wrong street to go home.

These things are common symptoms of dissociation too. Forgetting things, particularly things you know like which street to drive up, is a strong indicator of dissociation and is generally regarded as being a slightly more severe form of dissociation than just depersonalization/derealization.

MommyinTrouble wrote:Recently I've been havin more 'nighttime hallucinations'. I've always had those, but they've gotten bad and scary over the past week. Maybe I had a night terror? I woke up and felt someone pushing me down to the bed, everytime I tried to sit up they were covering my eyes, mouth and holding me down. I tried to scream but couldn't.

What you have written here makes me wonder if you've maybe suffered some sort of trauma in the past perhaps that you have dissociated (ie pushed out of your conscious memory and hence forgotten). Feeling like you were being pushed down on the bed and being held down seems to be suggestive of a body memory maybe. Like if something traumatic happens to a person and they can't remember it consciously sometimes they may have 'flashbacks' that happen in a physical feeling of the memory. But I don't know, it might not be that at all. It's just what I thought of given that you are also experiencing anxiety and dissociation also...

Anyway, just get yourself to a therapist and talk to them about this stuff that you are experiencing. It will really help you to get some assistance from someone...