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Husband concerned about wife's PPD

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Husband concerned about wife's PPD

Postby NY Dad » Thu Feb 09, 2012 5:46 pm

Hi, I need to reach out here since any mention of the topic to my wife just causes more anger. I feel if I bring it up to a family member of her's (none of which are strong enough to address), it will again come back as anger towards myself for getting others involved.

My wife and I had our second boy three weeks ago. It was a scheduled c-section, after an IVF pregnancy (same as the first born.) Nothing has been easy, for either of the births. My wife is 38 years old, and is having major issues with the fact that she's "stuck" being a stay at home mom for years to come.

She used to have a great job in the city, but was laid off before our first son. Since then, she has had a feeling of worthlessness, and that she'd much rather be at work than taking care of kids.

There were some signs of PPD after the first child, but they retracted somewhat over time, although the general anger of being a stay at home mom never went away. Then we planned for our second child (I felt at the time that she was torn on having another baby.... but now I wonder why she wanted to, considering her current feelings.) The pregnancy was rough going, but all turned out great.

So, over the last three weeks, she gets angry at the slightest things. I would never say that she had patience with my 2 year old before, but now it is even worse, and he is beginning to react to her tirades. She tells me that she curses and screams at the 3 week old, as if he understands.

My wife actually told me that she didn't know what she was thinking having any kids, and that she can not deal with it. She hates it.

I don't think she means that she hates the kids, but she definately hates everything else about our lives, "our house is too small", "we don't have enough money" and the kids "don't listen, nap when they're supposed to, cry/scream, etc..." (all things typical infants/toddlers do.) And if I remind her of that, it is a war for stating the obvious.

She also has lashed out some things that didn't make sense. When just looking at her while holding the baby, I got a "don't stare at me like that and judge me" outburst. I've also gotten some irrational responses of anger during conversations, where I asked, "what are you talking about?" I call her from work to ask her how she's feeling, and her first words are, "you calling to see if your kids are alive?" That scares me. And if I did say that her comment worries me, her reply would be an angry, "I know that's what you think, I would never..."

I know she's angry at life, and at the fact that I'm in the office, and she's home. She doesn't want help from family or friends (doesn't help that her side doesn't offer the help up, and it's almost a curse that my family wants to help, because all she feels then is that my family is making her family look bad.)

What steps can I take without her flying off the handle? She actually told me today that I should be prepared for at least 5 years of misery (when the youngest is in school), because that's how long it will be before she can go out and do something other than caring for two kids.

I won't be able to handle it, and my children's welfare is my first priority.

Help!
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Re: Husband concerned about wife's PPD

Postby jasmin » Sun Feb 12, 2012 5:39 pm

Hi, NY Dad! How about asking your doctor what could be done for her? Maybe they'll know a way to convince her to take some antidepressants and/or get some therapy or something. Could you hire a babysitter and take her out a bit to see if it softens her up and maybe makes her give treatment a shot? You could take her out a few times, to make her feel better and maybe mention it then.
Could you afford therapy for her?
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Re: Husband concerned about wife's PPD

Postby NY Dad » Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:34 pm

The mood swings really come and go now.... but it is long and hard when they are bad, and short when they are good. I have tried numerous times to get her out for dinner, and her reply would be that "it's only for 2 hours, then I got to come back here." I have tried to get her to go out with her family or friends, and the reply is that "she's not ready to g out", or that "she doesn't feel like going anywhere." It is really frustrating, but I am trying my best to accomodate her, doing chores, taking the infant when I can.... but I can't be home all day. I will try to get a nanny, at least make the offer.
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Re: Husband concerned about wife's PPD

Postby jasmin » Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:59 pm

You could also explain that she has to make an effort to get better too because you can't do it for her and that your relationship is really suffering... Try to get her to take some responsibility, maybe it'll work.
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Re: Husband concerned about wife's PPD

Postby Laine » Mon Jul 09, 2012 11:53 am

This sounds so much like me and my husband at times. I really don't know what to say though, it took me YEARS to finally consent to getting help, and now that I'm nursing I can't take meds. My husband would say the same things to me when I would go off like your wife and none of it really got through. It was like I had a need to be angry and upset, and nothing could change that. I still get like that sometimes. I don't know your wife's case, and I'm in no way trying to diagnose, but I myself have Bipolar II. Does she ever seem to have high phases? Not full blown manic episodes even, but any sort of hypomania? It can present itself in many ways, including irritability. I would suggest reading up on it at least before going to a doctor if she allows it. If she is misdiagnosed it'll be all that much worse for that much longer. I know it's hard, and I'm sorry :( I wish I could be of more help.
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Re: Husband concerned about wife's PPD

Postby NY Dad » Mon Jul 09, 2012 1:49 pm

Thank you all... your insight does help. We haven't gotten any help, and we still hit some bad weeks. I still think there is a need for some help, and I'm trying to figure out the best way to approach it.
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Re: Husband concerned about wife's PPD

Postby PhoenixRising2009 » Fri Dec 28, 2012 6:21 pm

Update? I'm hoping for good news.
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